A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am totally in love with my girlfriend of two years and we are both 35. The only problem is that when we go out she watches me like a hawk and if she sees me looking an attractive woman then she has a go at me. If a scantily dressed attractive woman walks in front of me of course I am going to notice her for a few seconds but I dont think I am aware that I openly stare or start panting. Once or twice I admit I have unintentionally followed a woman with my eyes but not consciously or to hurt my partner and I have soon stopped when I realised what I was doing and that was months ago. I feel as if I am treading on egg shells because she says she thinks I am being disrespectful and should only have eyes for her. She has dyed her hair blonde and lost over 2 stones and completely changed the way she dresses. She says this is because I always look at the same type of woman, small with blonde hair. Now she goes out without me at the week-end and gets lots of attention from men and seems to enjoy this. She would never be unfaithful she has told me but she says she feels more confident than ever but not when she is with me. She doesn't even want to go shopping with me as she says it makes her feel awful that women will have one over on her because of the way I am. I am always reassuring her and telling her I love her and she is amazing so how can I prove that I am not consciously ogling women and I am sure if a fit man walked in front of her she would notice him and I have seen her look at men but not for long, she just notices them.I am getting paranoid that there is something wrong with me and when I talked to my sister about this she laughed and said she is always nudging her husband for looking in his wing mirrors at young women on the side of the road. My best friend says all women are paranoid and I should stare at the floor. They think it's funny, I don't. My partner says I am destroying her confidence and she has never had issues with other boyfriends or her ex husband so it must be me. I think it might be her hormones but she goes mad at me for suggesting that. I feel I just cannot win whatever I say. I would appreciate male and female advice.
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best friend, confidence, her ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I know where she's coming from. My guy ogles only one type of woman: curvy, even slightly chubby, somewhat large behind and never anyone over the age of 30. I am none of those. It would be easier on the self esteem if it was a range of types that he stared at - then I would know he just likes women in general. When it's a certain type they ogle - a type that we're not it's disconcerting and makes me wonder why he doesn't just go after his type already and be satisfied finally? Maybe if he had his "type" next to him he'd stop ogling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): She needs to be told that ogling is a lesser offence than cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): She is us,you are her.She is beautiful,repeat after me beautiful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): She sounds very very wrapped up in her own interests and her head may be too far up her own bottom to see anything beyond number 1 (herself). Do a belated new years resolution and kick the habitual whinger out and you tend to find out a lot more after you break up. She is taking advantage of your calm and reasonable nature. Dont be so gullible.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): I have been through very similar to this,was wondering just what i could do to reasuure her. It turned out she was two timing me and had been for some time. She was possessive from the start,if any girl looked at me it was my fault for encouraging them too. She never told anyone the real reason why we split up and has resorted to damage to my car. The woman is nowhere near insecure,she believes everyone has got their eyes on her,which I believe is exactly where you are right now. Might even be the same woman by the way you explain it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): If what she`s telling you is true, your past relatioships would have told you and you would not be asking.I would not put up with her double standards. She is 1 or more of these things,either sneaky,selfish,immature beyond reason,cheating,manipulating by way of guilt,putting you on hold or insecure. Whatever it is,nothing is to your advantage.I hope you see sense.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): If you are an ogler, point it out to her that guys who look at her are, and so is she. At the moment instead of questioning yourself I would keep a closer eye on her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): She has got you eating out of her hand. If she goes out without you because guys look at her ,do the same in hope that a normal girl looks at you and you may find life becomes a bit more balanced. You are the one who is on the receiving end, not her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): Look, she seems okay about looking herself, goes out without you and so on. You are trying to reason with someone who is unreasonable. Youre going to end up with a negative opinion of females and you will only do what you choose to. It will be you who ends up with no confidence. You will end up saying sorry no matter what she does. You will end up screwed up. If this woman ever tells you how amazing she is, you wont do better then its all part of her manipulation. She isnt bothered how you feel and any tears are for herself. It sounds very much like you should maybe move on now. You are getting punished for her own character. If you are a thief your eyes are watching everyone elses hands. Think about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): It could be one day you will ask yourself "why didnt i see it?" Because you have been blinded by her. Side tracked by your willingness to question yourself. You are already half way to blaming yourself now. Ask yourself, if she could get someone who compliments her more,and offered her a relationship,would you still be there? If things have got that bad,she would dump you. I think you need to take your blinkers off and secretly watch this one. Your eyes are looking in the opposite direction. I question the sincerety of this female and so should you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): Why does she go out without you? Open your eyes. She has been a very clever one and you are a bit off guard by her complaining. Oldest trick in the book.
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female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (21 January 2011):
If you are looking and going too far then she will object. The other things you say I`m afraid look very unbalanced and to her own advantage. If there is nothing else that you havent mentioned then you may have to accept that she is all about herself and its unlikely she has it in her to think about it from your side of it too.. I would check up on the internet on the types of cheating partners and it may fall into place.. Maybe she doesnt cheat and she is spoiled,but it comes to me as she is or will do. Its the hardest to fix because in her eyes you are to blame. I dont think she is insecure,i think conveniently decietful is a better label.These females are in it for themselves and believe if she is alright then everything else is too.It wont even occur to her until you leave her and then its unlikely she will ever tell the full story. She has not the making of a balanced relationship and if you cant get it into her one way head that it cuts both ways it wont get any better. She may even believe you have no right to question her as you should trust her,if so then you need to go,as that sums it up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): dont blame yourself. she will be the same no matter who she is with,she`s demanding and nothing will ever be quite good enough. she will eventualy ware you to the floor and have your ex`s been like her? she is blaming you for her own madness and its so wrong and is mental cruelty. she is in love with herself and you dont even matter. i would think about if it is all worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I don't think there's anything wrong with looking but you also have to stop wondering, hey why is she going out without me and other guys looking at her. It goes both ways. She's not insecure and no one here that's posted is insecure. No one has the right to label anyone. It's how you feel inside that determines whether you are feeling suspicious or doubtful. If you think she's being petty and has a low self esteem, then you have to look deep within and ask yourself are you the same way too and why are you thinking that way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): why do you want to be with someone who cares about nothing than but how beautiful they look,how good they feeling and so on. she isnt on the world,she believes she is the center. she needs to grow up. is she called me me me me me me?
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female
reader, Amouramour  +, writes (20 January 2011):
You actually sound like a pretty decent, well educated dude. And thank you for not bashing your girlfriend. It shows character. I too am in a VERY similar predicament. In fact, your entire question is practically an exact reflection of my relationship with my husband...
When I go out with my friends, I never invite my husband due to the other women at the bar or club...I am super uncomfortable with that...if he didn't look at other chicks then I would LOVE to include him in my social life. Something to think about...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I am taken back at what i read not only by you op but the extremely insecure comments,i make no personal attack,although i dont care if it is taken as one "past ex`s never took there eyes off me they admired everything about me and never felt the need to look at others as i was the beauty they wanted to look at and enjoy," This is unsettling,as she even knows how to feed her own ego by herself and wonder why they are ex? A cross between a date me ad promotion on late night tv and jeckyl and hyde alias insecure and the beauty. A total contradiction.Sorry to single this one out but goes to show you can`t win em all. not trying to offend. eezy
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I have a very funny feeling there is something going on behind the scenes. If she looks,likes to be admired and then reacts as she does,this is the to be taken as a warning. You are a human being with opinions,feelings,and you have a right to feel good too. You are not put on this earth as a pillow or to dedicate yourself to making sure you dont look anywhere but her. Dont look at the floor as you may be looking at the reflection of a woman and cant bare to think she isnt more beautiful. She is showing you now that you are no longer yourself. To keep this brief and as i think will come out,as the truth often does,She sounds like she is in the early stage of an affair. I would like to mention something you will soon hear. "it is your fault for making me feel unattractive". You enjoy it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Wow, this has been an eye opener. There are some seriously insecure people on here. As an older male with a wonderful marriage in which we both occasionally admire attractive people I absolutely do not see ANY harm to looking. My wife even points out women to me and I men to her. We are extremely honest and secure in our relationship and would never cheat. She is my soul mate. But if ANY women EVER gave me an ultimatum about noticing other women I would be gone in a flash as this is a sign of some serious character issues on HER part. It amazes me how often people get this backwards. This is a relationship you need to RUN from. Do not walk away RUN for your life, jealous insecure people are impossible to fulfill or live with. She will drain the life out of you and there are so many wonderful sweet honest women out there. Saying you do not ever notice the opposite sex is a lie. Hiding the fact that you do is also a form of lie. Be honest and treat each other with understanding friendship and love and don't expect your partner to "fullfill you". You will thank me some day if you listen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): My ex was the same an it caused problems,past ex`s never took there eyes off me they admired everything about me and never felt the need to look at others as i was the beauty they wanted to look at and enjoy,he is worthless and does not apppreciate you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): If you are able to change for her, will she be happy? I'm not so sure who has the problem here as she seems to be over the top about this, but I cannot see how hard/long you actuallt stare at women.
If you do wish to change, there are things you can do that help....eye 'bouncing' and thinking of every person as a human with feelings and family rather than just a body will help. To do eye bouncing, practice counting to two and moving on....with every 'body' so that when your eyes land on an attractive female, you will automatically 'bounce' and not linger. Good luck to you, it sounds like you truly love her and be prepared to have another'issue' surface after you successfully learn to avert your eyes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is a sign of a person who has made it your job to boost her low self esteem. You are now responsible in making her feel good about herself,when she doesnt,its then you who is to blame for driving her to cheat because you made her feel unattractive. I would at this moment be tempted to speak to her ex husband and boyfriend rather than believe her. This is the early stages of your soul being taken away from you. You are now there to make her feel good about herself,and when that ego drops a notch you are the one who should have not been eyeing up talent. I would find out more about her background if I was you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I know how your gf feels cause I've also been there. It's not a good feeling. Even though my bf says he's not looking or didn't know what she was doing when she touched his hand and allowed it to linger there, he could have said something or pulled away but didn't. It's enough to make a gf like myself to re-think twice whether this is someone I want to be with. Honestly, it's upsetting when my guy looks. He says there's no harm....but I say otherwise, because the more you look, the more it adds up on my end. He knows how I feel, and just like you, he looks the other way or looks down. I'm not telling him to not look, because he does it on his own out of respect to me. He has said he looks if there's a cute or hot girl but he never takes it to the next level cause he wants me. But when you've got a guy who does that in front of his gf, that's a sign of disrespect. I don't look at other guys when i'm with my bf. I respect him and our relationship. So when your gf wants to go out, let her. She realizes that with you looking, why not other guys looking at her too? it makes her feel good. You need to work on making her feel good when she's with you. You need to otherwise, she'll leave you for someone that respects her and likes her and finds her attractive.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Yes. This is subconcious for [all] men ... Here you need to put your concious over your subconcious. Try some meditation. It will help you focus. Sometimes you doing something for the sake of women would definitely help change their attitude. Keep saying that You are chaning for her - and you will change and so will she :) ....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Must admit, this would really annoy me. If it was once or twice, and I caught him looking, I'd just laugh it off and tell him to watch it. But it's obviously happened so much that it's become so much of a problem that you've posted on here. I think a serious romantic gesture is in order, and actually telling and showing her that you only have eyes for her. When you're on your own, sure, ogle all you want. But just behave when you're with her, surely it's not too much to ask? Real life ogling is a lot more threatening than say, looking at a celebrity, as the woman is there in the flesh, and is a much more 'real' option for possible cheating. Plus, if a man suggested that me throwing a paddy was down to my hormones... even if it actually was, I'd be fuming. It's way too easy to shove the blame onto her, but it's obviously you. She's even dyed her hair and lost WEIGHT, she's so desperate to get your attention back. Do her a favour and get your primal instincts under control- you are a mature human, not some lion on heat.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Why don't you just stop looking at women when she is with you? why is that so hard. If you do not stop she will leave you! she sounds like an attractive lady that could have any fellow
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