A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Firstly...please don't judge me. I know I'm playing with fire and I'm an idiot but I really need an objective opinion and some advice. I am married, it's not perfect and I think I rushed into marriage too young. My husband is a good man but we are very different people to who we were when we got together.Four months ago on a work night, I got chatting to a colleague. After a lot of alcohol we ended up spending the evening kissing. It didn't go any further as he is also married. We became friends on Facebook and messaged most days. Quite flirty but pretty harmless. I let him know i was developing feelings and needed to know where i stood with him. He explained that he liked me but we are both married so no where for 'us' to go. He told me he felt horribly guilty and wasnt enjoying the flirting anymore. After that it calmed down a lot. After 2 months we fell out over politics and work. We didn't message as much after that but remained friends and always spoke at work. He is a very shy guy and is painfully private. Not many people at work know him well. As he says to me...everyone sees batman not Bruce Wayne. My friend knows him and assures me he is not a flirt and does keep himself to himself. We never exchanged mobile numbers, I assumed he was keeping me at a distance by doing this. Anyhow on Christmas day, I get an anon text. Turns out it is him. Not sure how he got my number, think he proba got it from system at work. Since then, we text for hours at a time and it's every day without fail. He initiates the conversations the majority of the time. Most of it is just chatting, getting to know each other, mild flirting, discussing work etc. however it does get overtly sexual and very flirty. To the extent it's probably sexting. He still doesn't give a lot away. We both keep our texting a secret from partners and from work colleague, which implies we know we have crossed a line and what we are doing is wrong. What I don't get is we have been here before, he knows I have feelings for him and I know he has some level of interest in me. This guy is everything I want from a man, I'm definitely falling for him. However he hasn't asked me out on a date. That may be in part because we live in a small town so where would we go or maybe it is because he really isn't that into me?!? Before anyone says it...he is not a player, I don't think he means to mess with my emotions but neither of us can walk away. What should I do? My gut feeling is that I can't leave it alone because what if this is the real deal. Like any new relationship with baggage, I don't want to rush things. I am not a serial cheat and nor is he....so why are we doing this? How should I proceed with this? Your advice is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, veneziadreamer  +, writes (17 January 2012):
Take it from me, you are making the best decision to step away from this man! I wish I had been as smart. I met a man through a club we both belonged to, and our affair began exactly like yours. The difference is, it became a full fledged emotional relationship that included lots of sex. It lasted nearly five years. We were actually busted by my husband, there had been warning flags and both our spouses had their own suspicions, however, my husband caught us basically red handed. My wonderful lover, the man that I was over the moon for, basically dropped me like a hot potatoe. Suddenly, my validity seemed to disappear since his wife found out about me. It has been the most devasting, difficult situation I have ever faced. I am an intelligent, strong woman, but admit that this has broken me. But, it was my fault, I played with fire, and got burned, in a very big way. Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (12 January 2012):
You are both in unsatisfactory relationships and looking for a distraction. The danger of both being married and working together adds to the excitement. Neither of you can leave it alone because you both have needs not being met, and you are both human beings and prone to fantasising like anyone.
When you do these things you have to weigh up whether you are prepared to lose your current set up completely over it. I also feel that the fact you work together adds a lot of additional complications and adds to you being found out. People can sniff out an affair at work really easily and love a good gossip about it. People might already be talking about you and him.
The fantasy is usually much better than the reality. I suspect that if you shagged him it would clarify things for you. I'm not recommending that, but I think it's going that way. Afterwards it will either go bang or you will be into the full blown affair that will change everything. Only you know if the risk is worth it, depending on how unsatisfactory your current life is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi...thanks for answers. A lot of them make a great deal of sense and sometimes you just need to need an objective opinion. It's so easy to get caught up in the moment which is what had happened.
I genuinely don't believe what I'm doing is cheating, it is being overly flirty but I do not meet this man or do anything physical, aside from the one incident which was cheating.
Anyhow to conclude, I am gonna take a step back from this man, it is only going to end up in hurt and I'm pretty sure the tears won't be from him. It's just so hard because I do have feelings for him. What a mess!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): I don't see anything complicated about this. You're just cheating.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Why not just leave your husband. Forget what the anon put about getting it out of your system, its simply honour amongst cheats. There is something written what`s interesting and I agree, yes put it to your husband and accept him doing the same (if you like it or not), it`s only fair, you can share each others thrill and hurt. If not. then let him go and he can at least find a decent wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Why not leave your husband? After all he is a good man (I never said boring, unexciting or predictable). Get yourself someone who keeps you on your feet, lets you down once in a while, someone you dont know if he`s telling the truth or not. If you had someone like that you would`nt even think about cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Put it to your husband that he`s allowed to cheat on you once so you can fulfill this fantasy. It`s fair that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): You say he hasn't asked you out on a date yet which made me smile. I don't think it's because it's a small town, I think he just doesn't want to cross that final line and risk his marriage for a quick fumble.
If your husband was sexting a female colleague would you be upset,jealous angry? Or would you shrug it off.
Not here to judge,you know its wrong, and if everything was OK at home you wouldn't be 'shopping'.
SO why not step back,stop contact with this other man and take a long hard look at your marriage. Then ask yourself if its worth saving,working on, or if your ready to walk away and go it alone.Your husband doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 January 2012):
 You're both enjoying the "grass is always greener in the other fellow's yard" syndrome..... THAT's the basis of many a tryst... and comes back to haunt you when the two of you are found out and whacked across the forehead (figuratively) with the reality of how stupid it is, what you're doing.....
You can choose to stop things now - and minimize the agony that you'll (both) incur.... OR, you can play this through to its icky conclusion.... Your choice....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): Its hard falling for someone when you're married because all the constraints are in place. Now getting out of a marriage is easier said than done. Since your husband is good (as you say) and it seems as though the guy has a conscience and isn't really sure if he'll leave his family. I'm betting he won't. The option out for both of you is to get it out of your system. He left and came back for a reason, and you seem drawn to him. Does that make you a cheat, yes but really, who cares. Its your life. I think I have given this advice to someone in the past but in her case her husband had cheated on her, so it made her feel abit better. In your case I hope it doesn't come back to haunt you. MHO
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): hi. I won't judge you. but I just think that if you're at the point where your assessing a potential relationship with this guy from work, then to be fair to your husband you should end your marriage whether or not your colleague is serious about you or not. You can't know if your colleague is serious about you unless you are in a position to pursue him like in a 'normal' relationship. but as long as you're married, you can't pursue him like a normal person instead everything is shrouded in secrecy and guilt so the relationship with your colleague isn't representative of what it would be if the circumstances were real.I don't think you owe your husband continued marriage if your heart is no longer with him, or if it never was with him to begin with (you said you married young, maybe it was a mistake and the evidence is the fact that you're now falling in love with someone else rather than recoiling in horror from anything that could threaten your marriage).So to restate, I don't think you owe your husband continued marriage. But I think you do owe him a clean break from the marriage if you want to explore a relationship - which may or may not work out but that's irrelevant - with someone new. so my advice is, don't worry about what your colleague is thinking or feeling towards you, yet. Get out of your marriage first, then you can be in a position to put your energy and emotions into thinking about what your colleague is feeling about you and how to pursue him. But as long as you're still married, then by default you should turn down all 'invitations' of any sort from your colleague because you know it wont' lead anywhere if you're both still married so what's the point? and it will make you feel terribly guilty, and it won't be fair to your husband. You don't owe your husband continued marriage if you don't want him for who he is, but you do owe him honesty.it's hard to leave a marriage, so think long and carefully about whether you want to stay married to your husband or not. Don't just brush it aside and by default continue the marriage while pursuing someone new.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012):
I don't know if you are a serial cheat, but you are a cheat.
Instead of worrying over this guy who seems content in his marriage to the extent that he keeps you at arm's length, why don't you figure out what's wrong with your marriage and if you wish to end it or not?
There's a good chance your husband (or his wife) will find out about this eventually. It's much better for all involved if it doesn't get to that point. Figure out your marriage and then, if you do want to end it, consider the possibility that he may not do the same.
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