A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel like a third wheel in my own relationship. Whenever my other half (of six years) is around his family or his friends I very quickly become last priority. I could be left there alone at a table without him speaking to me for ages, and occasionally he'll come sit next to me, ask if him ok, then rush off the moment anyone speaks from a different room. Or if we're walking somewhere, he'll walk on the pavement next to his friend talking and I walk a few paces behind talking to nobody. I brought the subject up once and he said it's because he sees less of them than me. Although that's true and I don't want his constant attention, I'd like to feel like he actually cares how I feel. Please advise :( Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2014): i think u should talk to him about how ur feeling. he's being completely selfish and he's not aware of it. remind him that you've got feelings. gud luck x!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2014): Yep, I totally agree with CaringGuy - I suffered this for 18 years and I know exactly how it feels. There's probably far more to it than you have related here and, although the others say that you should be able to just go and talk to them yourself, that's not how it is in reality - with a guy like this, he never includes you properly in the first place with family, never behaves like a proper couple with you, so it becomes harder and harder to integrate - you are literally left like a spare part.
In my case my partner was overly -bonded with his mother and couldn't bond properly with a partner because of that. As well as that he had narcissistic personality disorder and, the minute he/we were with anyone else, it was like someone flicked a switch and he just HAD to have their attention - doesn't matter who or why - I could sense this weird energy from him, like a nervous energy that I became attuned to over the years and that others were oblivious to because they were just engaging with him in a sociable way, but I could sense a NEED on his part, to have maximum attention. What made it harder was that he was capable of being loving when we were alone, so I was perpetually confused. I was ALWAYS envious of the ways that other couples would just gravitate towards one another or seem to operate as a twosome in a way that we never did. It really ruined my self esteem. I'd get out now if I were you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (2 February 2014):
 Why can you not go talk to his family and friends without him, he doesn't need to hold your hand surely. After 6 years you must know them all pretty well so can socialise with them as easily as he does.
Are you a shy person - a different personality to your boyfriend?
Is he who you see as your life-long partner, does he make you feel valued at other times?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 February 2014):
 I'm waffling between the two great uncles (CaringGuy and CMMP) advice because I actually think they are both right in a way.
After 6 YEARS you can't entertain yourself or TALK to his family members without your BF to sit and hold your hand ?
My guess is that when he is with family he gives them MOST of his attention because he spends LESS time with them then he does with you. Same with his friends.
When I spend time with MY side of the family I DO leave my husband to his own devices (he is QUITE capable of 1. entertaining himself and 2. talking to strangers/my family) - when we see HIS side of the family he might leave with one of his brothers for the gun-range or store and leave me with whomever is left and that works fine for me. (I'm NOT the most social person but I can talk to just about anyone if need be).
HOW is your BF when it's just you and him? Is he attentive? Affectionate?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 February 2014):
I have to say that it sounds like you're not being very understanding, being a little needy, and possibly being a little anti social.
Although your boyfriend has an obligation to help you feel comfortable in general, when you're at a gathering you have some obligation to take care of yourself. Talk and interact with people, don't sit there counting the minutes until your boyfriend checks on you.
When I visit my wife's family I'm often left on my own while she goes and does her things. It's because of this that I've become pretty close to her brothers. Same thing with my family. It took awhile, but she's totally comfortable being left alone and interacting with my family.
If that's not how you imagine things happening then it makes more sense to stay home.
Now if you feel like he treats you as second best in everything else, then you have a problem.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 February 2014):
This is how my father treats my mother. She has stayed with him and has always been second best. She always will be. I'm surprised she stayed to be honest.
Don't make the same mistake. He's taking you for granted. You've already brought this up, and he swept it aside claiming he saw less of them than you. Well yes, you're his girlfriend. That's how it's supposed to be.
I'd be looking closely at your relationship and whether it's worth the bother.
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