A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am so stressed and confused.. I don't even know where to start. My husband works 11 hours a day but has one day off a week. We have a 14 month old son who I am a stay at home mum for. Lately, my husband and I can't seem to agree on anything. He has no patience with our son and gets frustrated with him really easily, he loses his temper with me over things that shouldn't matter, and he doesn't ever listen! The main problem we have though is him not seeing the importance in spending time with us. I am pretty much on my own with our son all week. I try to get out but for those of you who have kids, you will know just how hard that is when you have a child that naps mid-day and won't nap in his pushchair. My husband has one day off a week and keeps arranging to see his friends on this day. I don't know how to explain to him that it's not okay. I don't even know how to negotiate because ofcourse he should be able to see his friends but at the same time where do his wife and son come into it? He seems to think that because he gets home at 11pm and sees me for an hour before we go to bed that I shouldn't need to always see him on his day off. I'm so lonely. I'm literally pulling my hair out when he tells me he's planned a day with his friends again because I look to that day off all week and then he lets me down again. I just feel like we don't agree on anything :(. How do I deal with this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): Before his next day off, arrange a day out with your mother or a friend or book a class to do something - a commitment of some sort.
Let him know you won't be there on his day off and you will see him and baby when you get back.
He has forgotten his role in this family and you need to remind him.
It starts with him establishing a relationship with his baby. All day will be Daddy day care.
When you get back, put baby to bed and treat him to an amazing sex session. This is the carrot way.
If he's too angry and he's not on the mood, that's ok. It means he understands your situation and got angry at walking in your shoes for one day and he's ready to reach some compromises. Then talk to each other. Remind yourselves of why you love each other and why you're together and what you need from each other. Try not to blame. Talk about how you feel. Ask him how he felt about the day. Then come up with some solutions.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 December 2014):
 Look for a part time job for yourself, so that you can get out of the house, and your husband can cut back on these extreme hours. I don't see how the current arrangement can last long term, it must be something short term or else he will get drained, and your marriage will end in divorce.
You need human contact, and most importantly ADULT contact. Find a job so you can have that, and your son needs to be in kinder garden, or with your husband on the times you work. Your husband needs to cut back and prioritize family. There needs to be a balance between work and social life, and right now he only works and sleeps. It is NOT acceptable that he spends his only free time with friends when he has a wife and a child. He has responsibilities at home that he simply can not neglect, just because he works such long hours. If his working hours is interfering with his social life, both family and friends, then he needs to alter his work hours. That's the only solution. Because it is not a solution that he never gets to see his friends. At the same time, when do YOU get to see YOUR FRIENDS? Never? You're doing a full time job, without getting paid, and you have ZERO social life. Your working hours are far worse than his.
Some things needs to change, both for him and for you. You need to get a job, and he needs to work less. Sit down, talk about this, and AGREE on a time for him and you to have this talk. Agree WHEN you will spend time together, so that his meeting his friends doesn't always come as a surprise to you. You need to know when you will be able to see him, and there needs to be an agreement on how often he spends his entire free day with his friends. Maybe every other free day, for example, until you sort out the working arrangements for the both of you.
Take action now, and fix this ASAP before it is too late. You're already going insane, and I completely understand how you feel, because this is not a situation that can last for a long period of time without anyone losing their marbles. This needs to be changed, and you need to look at your options. Him working 11 hours a day with one day off a week that he spends with you is NOT going to fix this. So look to your other options and sort out, with him, what needs to be done in order for things to change.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 December 2014):
The issue here is compromise. To his credit, your husband is working extremely long hours and I think you first need to acknowledge how hard this is for him, and how much of a sacrifice: he’s missing out on a lot of time with you and his son to make sure he can support his family. First tell him you appreciate this contribution. Then tell him that you feel very lonely during the week, and that both you and, more importantly, your son, really need to make the most of the precious time you have to spend together on his day off. Tell him you’re not opposing him spending time with his friends, but emphasise that this may not need to be every week, but perhaps once a month, or fortnightly, or whatever compromise you can both be happy with. When he comes in at 11, he’s not going to spend any time with his son because he is presumably asleep. This is special time he and your boy need to bond, and the only time you get to be a family.
I would also suggest that you try looking at mother and toddler groups, if you haven’t already. Find people in a similar position, struggling with the isolation and loneliness that is the downside against many joys of being a parent with full-time responsibilities. Show him you’re doing something about this yourself, so he doesn’t think it’s primarily about you feeling less lonely, and understands that it’s about placing that secure family unit around your young child. It’s tough, life’s hard, but keep talking, keep communicating, and good luck.
I wish you all the very best.
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