A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 35 and married. In March this year, I started flirting with my female colleague. After few weeks, we realised that we both had a lot of things in common and we're sexually attracted to each other. She told me that she wanted commitment, so I told her that it was not possible and I would never leave my wife. When she asked me to have sex with her, I refused telling her that I cannot cheat my wife. She said it was ok, that she respected my decision but few days later she stopped talking to me. After few months (June), she started talking with me as usual. She told me that she recently got divorced. However, as I am strongly attracted to her and I don't want to cheat my wife, I told her that it is best for us to keep a certain distance as I have strong feelings for her. She took it badly and being disgusted by her reaction, I started ignoring her. It has been nearly one month since I'm ignoring her. Today, she sent me a note asking me to become friends again. I sent her another note telling her that I cannot control my feelings for her and that's why I was behaving like this with her. Few minutes later, she walked by my desk and threw the note on the floor. At first, I was angry as I thought that she had insulted me. Then I felt this feeling of sadness inside me. I don't know why, but it hurts so much. I don't know what to do. I just want her to leave me alone. I don't reply her good mornings but still she keeps on saying it. She keeps on talking about me with my best friend (who is also my colleague) and he comes and tell me what she has said, how she feels etc. I am very disturbed. Please help me.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2011):
 I think the idea of "harshness" is stemming from the line that individuals believe is the 'point of no return' when it comes to cheating and unfaithful activities.
Some believe that the guy hasn't done anything yet, and others have. While it is true that he hasn't slept with her yet (thank god!), there are those who say that he's already cheated on his wife.
I look at it this way OP. What if a guy had the same conversations, interactions, and flirtations with your wife in the exact same way that you've had with this co-worker, and your wife responded in the same way that your co-worker responded to you, would you consider her to have been unfaithful to you? What if your wife were the one flirting with another man and admitting strong sexual feelings toward him, causing him to chase her? You'd be furious! You'd want to go and have a very strong conversation with this guy, and have an even stronger one with your wife!
Let that sink in for a second. This is where the perceived "harshness" is coming from the other aunts. You may have not slept with this co-worker, but you have already betrayed your wife and broken your wedding vows. In my opinion, you should do much more than just trying to get this co-worker off your back. You should evaluate why you made overtures to her while married. Like a car whose engine is overheating, it's a symptom of a bigger problem inside you...and maybe your marriage.
Don't look for ego boosts in flirtations. Look for support in your wife. If you're wanting an escape from the domestic grind, take your wife with you to escape! Go to Vegas, Hawaii, have the kids go to a couple of weeks of summer camp! If there's issues with your wife, talk to her about it! There are ways to escape without destroying your marriage.
I am not being harsh, but simply being real. A marriage is absolutely not the thing to be trying to walk as close to the line of unfaithfulness as you can, because your wife will have considered you to have crossed it already. It's clear that many aunts here think that way.
You *should* feel disturbed and dismayed that you allowed yourself to flirt and opine sexually for this co-worker. If you're not, this is not a good thing, and you should leave your wife and let her find another man who would view her as more beautiful than any other woman alive, and that he's only got eyes for her. It's easy to dodge the grind of domestic life, but the payoff is far greater to weather the storms together and cultivate the marriage.
A
female
reader, Loiselle +, writes (9 July 2011):
 I think you need to look honestly at yourself and your marriage. You could use some counseling to determine why you are cheating on your wife (emotional cheating counts).
If your marriage needs work, and if you are mature enough to do your part to make it work, then get started.
Your marriage deserves your full attention and will only survive if you give it your all.
If you decide you do not want to be married to your wife any more, get to work on that. Be humane, be sensible. I know it is not easy to walk away from a strong sexual attraction, but believe me, it will be alot harder if you don't -- on yourself and everyone else.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (8 July 2011):
You cannot do anything about the birds tht fly overhead, but you can stop them from staying on your roof for any length of time. This seems to be what you are doing. I think some of the others in this column are beeing too harsh on you. Everyone's tempted now and again, and it's meaningless as long as you don't do anything about it. So keep your distance, both physical and emotional from 'the other woman' (after all, you've done nothing the slightest bit physical with her), and every time you happen to think about her, use the thought as a spur to make a conscious effort to do something nice for your wife- flowers, chocolate, a surprise note telling her you love her- this will re-direct your desires the right way, and eventually it will become a habitual way to deal with the situation or similar ones, no matter in which guise they may appear, now and in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): OMG everyone is being way to harsh on you. It sounds like maybe you got married too soon otherwise other women would not effect you in this way. You didn't actually cheat with her, so these other people need to stop being so judgmental. Like they have never been flirtatious.
You need to tell this woman to back off and tell your friend to stop telling you when she says stuff. If it really is that bad maybe find a way to get transferred or find a new job. I think you also might want to reevaluate your marriage.
This other women is just acting like this because she knows she can't have you. You should not have said you have feelings for her, but you already did so tell her you were just going through a strange period and that you really love your wife and are NOT interested in her. Keep on ignoring her and let her be mad all she wants. She's only toying with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I feel sorry for your wife because you are cheating on her and you seem to be denying that. You need to decide what it is you want, your wife or to be a cheater and have meaningless sex/flirtations/affairs with other emotionally troubled attached people. You started all of this and you're playing a game with yourself by not accepting responsibility for doing that and by making yourself out to be a victim here. End it now if that is what you want or get divorced.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I think the other Aunties are being a little harsh on you. I think you have behaved in the best way you knew how. You felt a strong attraction to someone else (this is normal. Just because you're married doesn't mean that you won't find other women attractive, or very attractive!) and you haven't acted upon it. I think she has behaved in the best way she knew how to as well. I don't think either of you are the cheating types. She has divorced her husband - possibly so she can be with you. I think she's just a little frustrated that you haven't returned the favour.
It's difficult. You say you have strong feelings for her and these might be much more passionate than those for your wife. They might even be more enduring but you won't know unless you cheat with her. And, I appreciate that that is not your style.
Imagine, you guys might be completely sexually incompatible. You just don't know.
No one can tell you what to do. But I would be true to your heart. You only have one chance at this life.
Maybe you should have a proper heart to heart with this lady and get everything out into the open....?
Good luck. Please do let us know what you decided to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): Put your anger aside, and start working on your marriage, and your behavior, which is the only thing you can control.
Stop telling people that you are attracted to them unless you want to screw over your wife. This type of behavior is damaging to the principal relationship.
You got yourself into this mess, and you can get yourself out.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 The moment you told her you have strong feelings for her, you just put more fuel into her desire to have you. And in her mind is like "it's only a matter of time and skill that I can have this man." I honestly think you should've kept your thoughts to yourself too. It only made the situation worse.
You are a grown-up and is married and may probably be a father to a child or children. You should be matured enough to handle this and know that when you flirted with her before may end up to cheating on your wife. You afterall don't want to cheat on her, so why did you start this flirting then?
What should you do now? If all is hopeless, quit your job. If you really don't want to cheat, then don't, simple as that. It's not like you can't control your emotions, you can.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 July 2011):
You played with fire by flirting with her, and now you're getting burned a little bit. She's also so unbalanced that if you had had a sexual affair instead of an emotional one, your life would be a living hell right now.
She gets off on your attention. She wants it, needs it, throws tantrums to get it. While the ego boost was nice when you were harmlessly flirting with her, the idea of shattering your wife kinda has the opposite effect.
Tell your best friend that you don't want to know anything about her that isn't professional, and keep your relationship professional with her. That means saying good morning, keeping discussion to work, and not talking to her in private.
Also, SAVE the notes, emails, and correspondence between you and her, especially the stuff she's written. She might be nuts enough to try to tell your wife that you two have already slept together.
Finally, take that sexual and flirtatious energy and spend it on your wife. Take her out on dates...go do fun things, and enjoy conversations with her for a change.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Oh get over YOURSELF and GROW UP!
Buddy, you initiated this affair and WITH a coworker to boot. (While you do not state if the flirtation became physical, you chose to play with fire with another woman)
Are you familiar with the saying, "You made your bed, now lay in it?"
If you want it to stop, change jobs.
Sadness? Hurt? Confusion? That is your conscience wrestling with your brain pointing out the consequences of your choices.
Show professionalism, ignore the gossip, (tell your enabling "buddy" to shut his mouth, and get on with your life. It is not HER job to stay away from YOU at this point.
It is YOURS. OWN it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): obviously you are hoping for something with this woman or else you would not be flirting, especially if you say you don't want to cheat. Not sure what you are looking for asking a question here. Do you want us to tell you since she is after you then go ahead and have sex with her? Married people who are committed do not flirt. Period. You have already cheated on your wife emotionally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is not unfamiliar territory for this woman.
She cheated and thinks everyone does just on a whim. I have empathy and understanding for why people hook up within the work place (single or not). Not a good idea, but I can see why it happens: time spent on job, proximity, familiarity etc. etc. But you are shark bait if you go down this road. She will flip the script eventually and claim sexual harassment. All the 'note' writing and dropping is the handwriting of FUTURE DRAMA!
I am a woman so I am not woman-bashing here, I am just stating a probability, which will be in her favor. Make yourself as blameless as possible. Give a business like 'good morning', let your colleague know you are not interested in having an affair with the woman or HEARING anything further from her thru him. That will do alot to disarm her and a it takes two to talk and preferably three to gossip.
Most is her motivation is the drama fuel of wanting what she cannot have. It has little to do with you believe it or not. You'll see later. Your feelings are strongly reactive due to the proximity of working together, but it will get better with time. Document everything and do not correspond by any electronic device. Hang tough and be strong in what want to do.
After all now that you seen her 'behavior' aren't you glad you never got fully involved? Best to you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): Thanks for your reply Aunty BimBim. I was trying to look for some solutions to my problem, but all you did was make me more disturbed. If you can't help others, at least don't make them feel more miserable.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 This sounds more like a school yard than a work place where mature adults are employed.
If you honestly think a woman who cant control herself at work and goes looking for committment with a man who is already committed while she is committed elsewhere, is the woman for you, go for it.
Notes, ignoring people, love at first sight, tantrums, sounds more like a daytime soapy than real life ... and you list your age as 30 to 35? Grow up son, grow some balls, because if you dont want to be with your wife anymore you really should be telling her that, and then you would be free to tie yourself to this tantrum throwing harpie and develop as many feelings and sexual attractions as your schoolboy heart desires.
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