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writes: I am a 22 year old, in the Marines; I have been on a deployment to Iraq and preparing for another one. I was young when I first had my long relationship in high school and continued into the Marines. She broke up with me and it hurt me. I then traveled around alot with the Marines and lived the so called Marine life. i.e.: drinking alot and sleeping around. I feel like I am a creep for doing this, since I grew up in a large Christian household where all of my brothers or sisters do not drink much and are saving there selves for marriage. I have been talking to a girl since my first deployment in 2005 and then when I got back started dating her, things were going okay, I loved having someone to talk to when I was lonely on deployments and when I got back, when I got back we were on two different sides of the country so it was a long distance relationship and was difficult for me to separate time to talk to her and spend time with my friends, but when the time came for me to go out with my friends I turned my back on her and did what I wanted to do and was very selfish and only cared about myself, be it going out till very late and never calling her on the weekends or lying to her about what I did because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I then broke up with her because I felt bad because I didn’t know what I wanted at this time in my life and didn’t want to keep treating her like I was and lying to her, more time goes on and we still keep in more touch and end up getting back together and I change and realize I want her in my life and things are better again and then slowly I go back to how they were in the first place, now this time she brakes up with me and tells me I need to find out what I really want and tells me she will be here waiting for me to change but isn’t going to be waiting forever. So more time moves on and we get back together and things are great when she and we make trips across the country a few times a month, either she comes to me or I go to her, mostly it was her coming to see me due to me not being able to get off of work because of the Military, the only thing with me is when we are together things are perfect I have never felt so great in my entire life, but when she leaves to go back home I go back to doing my shady or creep like things and drink a lot and do things with girls that mean nothing to be at all and I do it just for my own personal pleasure, I don’t want to say anything to her because when we are together everything is great, she then graduates from college in December and things are going great between us when we are together for almost a year now, except for when we are not together, I go back home for Christmas for my first time in three years and spend every waking minute with her, I am head over heels in love with her. We have a great Christmas with mine and her family and I get close to her family as they didn’t like me, from A: them not knowing me that well and B: them hearing stories of how I acted when we first started dating. On New Years Eve I propose to her and want to start a new life. She then moves out to Arizona to be with me, it is a small city and is hard for her to find work moving from a large city to a small one which is selfish of me for wanting her to move out with me for the sake of her not being able to continue or education or find a great job, it was also selfish of me not to tell her the truth about who I really was when she was not with me. I felt if I didn’t tell her things would just go away since when im with her everything is great, so I didn’t think there would be a problem when she was there. So things start out great. We move into our first home together, which was an apartment but nonetheless was our first place together. Time goes on and things are golden, nothing better could come out of it. I keep lying to her about things she asks about from before she moved out with me because I don’t want her to be upset. More time goes on and I begin to prepare for another deployment and I have to go away for weeks at a time and she then becomes friends with my friends. I go down to Puerto Vallarta Mexico for a training mission and we have the nights off in Mexico, me and a few of the friends I went down there with go to the bars in Mexico and my creepish self comes out and I end up leaving with a girl who is also down there for vacation. I know I have a beautiful girl waiting for me to come home to but still I do the only thing I want to do and only think of myself and no one else just so I can please myself. I come back from the training mission and she plans a party for me while I was gone and surprised me with presents and decorates our apartment how I wanted it. With sports memorabilia etc. I then go on another training mission on an aircraft carrier off the pacific coast and it keeps getting closer to deployment time for me and she starts to get upset being away from me again. I tell her everything is going to be alright and lie to her and tell her I love her and will never do anything to hurt her. Even though I did merely a few weeks earlier. I then leave again and she goes out with my friends and starts getting upset and talking to them about me leaving on deployment and doesn’t think she can trust me due to me lying to her many times. After a few drinks and my friends talking about there feelings after drinking they start to talk about things they know that I have done to her while we were dating and she was across the country, I am on the boat right now and I just got the email yesterday from her saying she was done, she is not going to be at our place when I get back and she doesn’t want to talk to me ever again, I don’t know what I need to do to get her back, but I need to have her back. I love her more than anything in the whole world. Its going to be hard for me because im going to be gone so long on deployment and I don’t know how I can rebuild my trust with her and have her trust me and her family to be able to look at me as a person that is able to take care of her little girl. (She tells them everything) and she is also very close with my mother and told her everything that has happened between us. I feel as if I have no one to talk to about this because the love of my life is gone and my own mom thinks she has failed at raising me to be an upstanding individual. I need help, I feel as if I don’t know myself and want things to be better again and why can I not be happy with one person and why can I not be honest with the person who will do anything for me?
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broke up, christian, christmas, get back together, long distance, military, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.
Hugh White
US politician (1773 - 1840)
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female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 thanks for the comments, i still dont know what i should do. should i try to see her before i leave for almost a year, or should i not see her and give her time? i want to give her time and i also need time to fix myself.
NO MATTER what you decide, fix yourself first. Contacting her to let her know you are going to seek help would be a good gesture. Also, I like the poem idea one other guy gave you...that gives some contact too until you get yourself straight. Love yourself FIRST, then you can love others the way you should. Good luck, Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the comments, i still dont know what i should do. should i try to see her before i leave for almost a year, or should i not see her and give her time? i want to give her time and i also need time to fix myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): I teared up reading all this, not because I understood your pain. It is because I understand hers. I was in her shoe recently. My boyfriend is a Marine too. It was the most painful thing to find out that the love of your life betrayed you, especially when you gave them your all. If you are going to continue to hurt her as you did, please do her a favor and just let her go. She deserves someone who will love her and respect her completely. She has given you countless chances and you continue to break them. Each time you lie, cheat on her, another piece of her heart and soul deteriorates. Please do not kill what is left of her. If you love her, let her go and allow her to have a chance at true, pure, honest love again.
I truly send her my condolences and I wish you luck in finding someone like her in the future when you realize you need to stop being selfish. A Marine is taught to be strong-minded, noble, honorable to his country. You can;t even be that to one girl who loves you, how can you be this for the whole country.
Take each day and evaluate yourself on who you are and who you would like to be. Start taking chances for yourself and those around you who loves you dearly.
I wish you the best of luck in your deployment, love, and life in general.
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female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (17 March 2008):
You are young and have a lot of growing up to do, sjg916. I have a daughter, 21, who has a husband in the Army...he was deployed once for a year in Iraq, came home (i.e. base) with her and had been drinking and smoking cigs. He didn't get counseling (Army gave him option)and kept drinking and found out he was ADD and manic depressive. He beat their cat and dog and threw her down on the floor and against the wall, smashing his fists into 3 doors in the apartment on different ocassions. He wanted to have sex with his friends wife and she caught him on many ocassions through their banking account, that he had been in bars using the ATM machines for cash.
Now, after 3 marriage counselors, she's come back home and he's done drugs and is going to the 'BIG HOUSE' for the ARMY for a long time--only 21 years old.
I think the ARMY or any service should provide help for those we send overseas. I don't blame it all on him or you for your behavior (both of you were good boys when you got in, I'm sure), but I can see where it does screw with your brain. Get help and get yourself straight before attempting to go back or even try to go back to her. That is, if she'll accept you.
Good luck.
Gena
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female
reader, Lovesick24 +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Man, don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you have two faces. But everybody has two faces, yours just have greater differeces from each other. But the good thing is that you are trying to flip it around. I can't say I blame the girl for leaving you, but I also think that the Military life can be tough and confusing. Maybe you should just give her some time, and find her again when she has had a couple of boyfriends and you are out of the Military. My teacher was in the Military, and he says they yell a lot. That is understandable then that you went out to bars to get away. I think that if you are meant to be together, then God will put you together in the end. If not, then she was a lesson that He was trying to teach you about. But as far as taking action goes, you should send her flowers and a long letter that explains everything you did when you were away, but include your feelings at the time. If you are very honest and are truley sorry, she might take you back. Hope it all goes well for you and good luck.
Sincerly,
Lovesick
P.S. Poems may be old fashioned, but if you are good at them they can really mean a lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): your Christian upbringing and job are in conflict. Your 'friends' are not friends.
Try being your own man instead of a sheep.
Good luck
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