A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I'm in my first serious relationship. I've found some aspects of it hard, such as learning to trust my boyfriend, learning not to worry about things, learning to be confident and so on. I must stress that I have come a very long way in these last few months and I am feeling much more confident and much better about things compared to how I felt when we first started going out.Jealousy is one thing I've found hard to deal with, which is normal for lots of people in their first relationships I'm sure. However, with my boyfriend, there is one female friend of his that bothers me. They have known each other for a long time and they are close friends. I haven't met this person, but it's possible that I may do in the future because we have lots of common friends. She lives a distance away, but I know she and my boyfriend keep in contact online. I think the reason as to why I feel so strange about her is because I know they are very close, so it makes me feel uncomfortable. I know he admires her (she's a very talented musician and artist) and I know she's been there for him during hard times in the past, as friends do. I think this is why I feel odd about her, because I know she has been there for my boyfriend when I wasn't even in the picture.She also uses quite friendly language with him, from what I've seen online. I admit that I did struggle with a habit of checking his conversations with her, which is how I know about this friendly language (nothing that would suggest cheating or anything like that, just quite friendly things that I'd probably do with my close friends), but I've been working on doing that less because I want to be trusting and I don't want to undermine my confidence in my boyfriend/read into things that aren't even there. I realize that constantly checking his convos with her isn't good, so I am going to stop doing it.Because of how social networking works, she'll often pop up in places like we-suggest-you-follow boxes, and I don't want to feel a flash of anxiety whenever I see her username pop up, which does happen. I want to be confident that she's just another friend.I have overcome so many anxieties and fears over these past few months, I feel like this is one of the last hurdles I've got to overcome. I want to trust that this is just a friendship, because I know I have close male friends, just because I do doesn't mean I'm cheating or that there's anything there that shouldn't be. How can I feel more secure about this?
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female
reader, Foxglove  +, writes (12 October 2012):
First off, I think you have half the battle won by recognising your behaviour isn't healthy. I personally wouldn't read conversation logs unless he was right there next to you to explain the context of the "friendly" language. Context is the most important thing.My boyfriend actually had a close female friend who made me extremely uncomfortable at the beginning of our relationship. But I trusted my boyfriend and was open about my feelings. I eventually met her, and it became apparent withing minutes that she was the last person in the world I should be worried about. In fact, now I'm very happy that he has a good friend like her. So I believe it is EXTREMELY important that you meet her, or else that twinge of anxiety you feel when you see/hear her name will never go away. Unfortunately, even if she is a totally nice and reasonable person, there will always be a slight feeling of discomfort about them being so close. It's just a basic human instinct. It's identifying wheather it's something you should listen to that's important. Until you get to meet her, just make sure she knows about you, and all should be fine.As it has been stated before, he chose you! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): Hi,
It sounds like you are doing really well overcoming your insecurities, you should be proud of yourself. It sounds like they are just friends, and obsessing about their friendship is going to do nothing but hurt you and damage your relationship with your partner. You should sit down and tell him how you feel. No girls like their boyfriends to have other girls who are friends. It is as simple as that. Speaking with him about it will allow you both to understand each others position. He chose you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 She lives a distance away so they don't meet often. You have to believe in yourself and bring out your good qualities. About admiration, it's different in men and women. What a woman wants in a man is different from what a man wants in a woman. A woman is attracted to a man with ambition and talent. When a man is looking at a woman, talent does not rate as high as how she makes him feel. He chose to be with you. Artistic talent looks good on stage, but in a long term partner he wants to be able to nurture and protect you. You should stop looking at their messages and feed your insecurity. Trust that you are good enough for him.
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