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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend of three years has relocated overseas due to work reasons , and we have been conducting a long distance relationship for the past two months now ; we keep in contact every day thru email; text and phone calls however the problem is that he told me he never wants to get married although he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me as his partner; I told him I need a commitment and cannot just be his girlfriend indefinetly ; I am tired of living like this ;I feel I deserve a commitment and cannot go on drifting ; am I being foolish?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): How will you feel in the future if you don't marry? Will you start to resent him? If you don't feel that you can compromise then you will have to think seriously about breaking up. Sometimes we have to stick to our guns about what we want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): I replied to you as a wife of over 20 years - until last year I had what I thought was a very happy marriage then all the cracks opened up and within one year we are now facing separation - I would never have thought it was possible for us to arrive at this situation that is why I empathise with your boyfriends point of view of scepticim over marriage. I know it is hard for you to think of being married for so long - to understand the all the complexities of this long a relationship - have a look at the marriage problems section of this website for further insight before you are sure that is what you want.
Also a close friend has just been through the same committment issue as you with her boyfriend. She forced him to make a choice - get engaged or end it - extremely drastic but maybe how you feel? he reacted by shutting down on her completely and she understands now why that happened but she loved him very much and said with hindsight if she had the chance she would have approached it differently so as not to lose him.
Is there any sort of compromise you can agree to with your boyfriend - if he is the one you really cannot live without surely you have to understand his viewpoint but also ask him to somehow meet you halfway - maybe you could both agree to reconsider marriage after a certain length of time. It seems the distance relationship is hard for you - can you go and live with him overseas without marriage or is he in somewhere like Saudi Arabia?
In my opinion, the important thing is the quality of your relationship and whether staying with your boyfriend no matter what is the most important aspect of your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Optimistic; thanks for your feedback; we are both in our mid thirties and both never married ; no children; I dont think I'm being unrealistic in wanting a committment; if indeed he wants me to be his life partner; he says he does not believe in marriage that is why he doesnt want it; so really we're at loggerheads ; wanting different things ....its so confusing ..
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female
reader, Optimistic  +, writes (17 November 2006):
 If he says no I would think that you are likely to lose him if you push for more. You have to decide if that risk is worth taking.
Has your boyfriend been married before and badly scared or hurt by the experience? - do you understand why he does not want to committ? Isn't it enough for you to accept that he wants to be your partner for life? Marriage is a scary option if you think what committing to one person for the rest of your life really means. At least he is honest enough to discuss this with you and it seems to me that if you try to push him into committment you will likely push him away.
If you really love him so much that you want the kind of committment that means marriage for life - that only this person can be your partner for the rest of your life then you must feel that your life would be worse without him. Try to understand and by sympathetic to his inability to committ if you want to nuture the relationship.
If forcing the marriage committment means more to you than trying to work through in an undertanding way in order to preserve the relationship - only you can decide.
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