A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Love 2 people?I have a boyfriend (Jake), known him for 2 years and a good friend (Tom), known him for 1 year. I am in love with Jake, but during the year I have developed strong feelings for Tom and recently found out that he has feels very highgly for me. The problem is that I tried to hide my feelings for Tom and since he has told me how he feels, I have become aware of my own feeling again. What's worse, is that I think I love them both. I didn't think it was possible. I don't know what to do, where to start? How do I decide who I love and want to be with?Thanks very much. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): I realized that this post is old, however, it's helpful to see that I am not alone in this world of love and loss, and even more so; of confusion.
My situation is a little different, I suppose, then some of yours. I feel like I am in love with two completely different men, ye,t I have yet to meet either. Yes, that's right! I have not met either one!
The first, L, is my long distance boy friend of 4 months. Not a long time at all, I realize. However, from the moment we met if was like I was magnetized by him. An instant attraction, and I fell for him with in the first week. As did he for me. And, we quickly decided that we wanted to be together. Though, due to certain circumstances, we have yet to meet in person.
The second man, H, is a friend of mine that I met through, a very old and trusted friend of mine. He is my best friends cousin, and we never met in person, we met through Facebook. However, we quickly hit it off. The funny thing is that I met H long before I met L, but it has not been until recently that we have become super close.
H is crazy about me and I know it. I love everything about him as well. We click like truly kindred spirits. I will spare you all the details. I, however, have made it clear, time and time again to H that I am in a relationship with L, therefore, there can not be anything between him and I. Yet, that does not stop the fact that I think I have fallen for him too.
I am putting restraints on myself. I am sticking to my relationship. But, my fear is that the day that I meet either of them, what will happen. Will I long for what when I'm with the other? What if I meet H, before I meet L, and I can't control myself. And, what if that lack of control, ruins my chances with L, whom could very well be the man that was meant for me?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm afraid and confused. Who should I choose? Why and How?
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female
reader, ZeldaGirl64  +, writes (22 February 2011):
I'm going through the same thing! Lol it's especially weird because I'm choosing between two guys, one of which who's name is also Jake! :p Anywho, I read a quote somewhere and it went something like: "if you're in love with two people, always choose the second one. Because if you truly loved the first person enough, you wouldn't have fallen in love a second time"Lol well I know it's hard to accept but try to take that in because it really helped me a lot (:
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reader, Rita123 +, writes (9 January 2011):
 I have been going through the same and my case is 10 times worse. I am married and my husband found out. I was forced to make an abrupt decision. If you are still young it's worthwhile to give yourself a break, as someone said above, and refrain from committing, perhaps. But easier said than done. Think how much you really care for these guys to commit to either or both fully. It doesn't mean you don't or shouldn't care for them, but it means that you should think of yourself first, be healthily selfish in this case, and don't put yourself under so much pressure. If you are entirely committed to your bf and are sure you love him, though, think how messy is going to be to leave him if you still truly love him too. I would've never left my hubby if it were not for the circumstances. I don't think I will ever get over it and neither will he. But thinking in terms of future, only your head can decide. The heart is good for nothing in these cases. I would certainly be with my partner, former lover, or the rewt of my life because there's more of a future with him than it ever was with my husband. So, people will say: "Choose the one you see a future with." ok, easier said than done. It's not a matter of fact, it's a matter of heart. And the heart is the most stupid organ in the body. It is... because it's blamed for every mistake our psyche makes. It can feel everything even though it's not responsible for anything at all. It takes all the shit, that's all. So what to do? Any solution? What's the answer? There isn't one. Loving two men at the same time happens, but it's a curse. You can't win in a situation like this. There's a whole stigma in society for that, there's the infidelity issue, which is quite a difficult one, and NO straight answer to what turns into agony after a period of bliss. So, again, what to do? Either you're clever enough to lead a double life and juggle them both (I wasn't)or they accept an open relationship (if both are tough enough and that open-minded...err..no pressure..coughs)or choose one and let go of the other. How? Allowing yourself to take all the "bullets" coming your way. Feel the pain, reach rock bottom and emerge from the darkness somehow. Focus on something else later, be selfish, take up a new sport, join a course, dye your hair, look for another job if you find yourself stuck in a rut and see the experience as breaking up with the love of your life, even though... (that's the crazy bit)you still love another man who makes you happy. Or...even better! Before choosing either, see the points I raised above about changing lifestyle and do that before changing man. Reassess your whole life first and see what's missing in it. Perhaps you don't need a second man in your life. Perhaps you need a new career, or new motivation, new passion, which does not necessarily include a new man, get inspired ab
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reader, Kim_mccrary23 +, writes (4 December 2009):
Well I am going through the same thing. I have been in a relationship with my babydaddy for seven years but my story is a lil different. I am 23 turn 24 in Jan. and it has been a rough seven years I have three beautiful young daughters there ages r 2, 4 and five...they have seen me and him fight the whole time and got to the point where he started to get violent and ended up in jail for assaulting me so when he was in jail i had found someone else and develpoed a relationship with him...I had moved in and our feelings got stronger and I let babydaddy know I had moved on. But then they both had asked me to marry them at the same time and I still love both what do i do? I know it's a hard road with babydaddy cuz of the past things he had did to me and he said he changed and his family dont want hom with me, Plus i dont have a pass with the other and I can start fresh....I just want a good life with my kids and he accepts that i have kids and wants to be there...WHAT SHOULD I DO???? GO BACK TO BABYDADDY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST OR MOVE ON AND GIVE THE OTHER A TRY?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): I don't know how you decide between two men. I have a similar problem, and I've had this problem many times before. One piece of advice I can give to you is never leave your man for another man. This is advice that I wish I could have followed in the past. It just gets too messy, and it's unhealthy emotionally for you and for the men. If you're going to leave your boyfriend, make sure it's for a good reason, besides your feelings for the other man.
Try not to see both of them at the same time, unless you communicate openly and honestly with both of them. It is possible to date two men, and it's not morally wrong as long as you are honest with both of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I am in love with two completely different men. How does this happen? I am amazed at the fact that so many people have googled this situation!! I feel pathetic but I have nowhere else to turn. I love my boyfriend with whom I've been with for about 4 years. We have been through a few rough patches as I suppose most couples have. A few months ago we took a little break at my boyfriend's request. It was at this time I ran into someone I had been briefly aquainted with before. Over the next two months, we began to chat again, but this time there was something else going on. I found myself opening up to him all the while he was taking in everything I had to say. We began to see each other and I failed to see that he was falling in love with me and at the same time I was denying the way I felt about him. I was so scared of my feelings because I knew that I still loved my boyfriend. I abruptly ended things and reconcilled with my boyfriend but our problems continued. I missed talking to guy number 2 and I look for him everywhere i go hoping to just catch a glimpse of him. However, I can't help but ask myself if the way I feel results from my failing relationship with my boyfriend. We women often look for comfort in the arms of another which I refer to as the "the grass is greener syndrome" Am I suffering from this or have I totally allowed "the one" to slip right through my fingers??
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): OK this girl is between the ages 18-21. she shouldnt have to be thinking of who she is going to be spending the rest of her life with!!!!!
girl you go out there and have fun! i'm not saying go out there and sleep with everyone either. all i'm saying is that you are still young, you shouldnt have to be faced with commiting yourself to one person at your age. these young commitments are usually what end up in unhappy marriages later on!
if you are having second thoughts about your bf because of how another person makes you feel, then maybe you werent meant to be together anyway. but before you go and jump right in to another relationship, take time for yourself first, and who knows, maybe you will end up realizing that you are more unhappy when your not with your bf, and you's will get back together. ya know how that saying goes "dont know what ya got til its gone"
good luck chick :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Hey there, I'm going through the same sort of thing, but my problem is that i've been with one guy for 7 years and the other for almost 4 years. Its sooo hard to make a decision when you love 2 people. I wish I had an answer for you, but since i'm stuck in the same boat (a much worse one i would say) then i guess theres not much i can tell you. its easy for people to say "follow your heart" but really if you love two people then your heart doesnt usually tell you to remove one from your life right?!
i guess all i can say to you is: dont let this go on like i have *sigh* it doesnt get easier! believe me.
good luck with your decision girl! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): damn girl i am going through the same thing. and it does root from relations with the other guy. i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, on and off. and the other guy is a good friend of mine that attends the same university as me. i see the other guy more often and enjoy being in his company so, i begin to think that his expressions of love for me are what i have wanted all along. a person who is just like me but, i am reminded of the man i have at home, caring for me even while i am not with him in sight, in heart. the best thing is to stay with your man until you realize he's not for you. then, may you make a decision to leave, this happens a lot. even though you have cheated, it's going to be hard to leave him. do it when your heart tells you to. when you know the love is not forreal and your feelings for the other guy are sincere. it may take a while but, if the other guy really cares.. he'll stick by your side and know this is something you have to do. good luck mama! love kayla
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): All I have to say is that high or strong emotions don't develop if you have been faithful, be it emotionally or physically with your BF.
If you and your BF hit a rough patch and you felt you were not being heard, turning to a single male is NOT a wise decision. You are problem solving and getting emotional support -this is HUGE for women, HUGE...with this trust is built up and the other guy becomes mr reliable- from someone who threatens your relationship and love with the BF. Now this other man has just as much importance to you and you wonder why you are where you are?
In the future, turn to someone who will support you and wants you to have a healthy, adult relationship with someone you love by, the someone you love and are committed to, your mother, sister, cousin, best gal pal. I garuantee that if you abide by this advice from this day forward, you will never find yourself in a situation where you feel torn.
Spending time alone with another man, eventhough innocent (give me a break) will lead to infidelity.
Make it a point to not confide to other male friends about your relationship. Make it a point to not start hanging with another male friend alone or without your BF being present.
Now smarten up and choose.
I say, you cheated on the BF already, let him go and find someone who will give them their love, respect, loyalty and choose the other dude.
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reader, YummyMummy +, writes (27 June 2007):
 I would end things with your boyfriend until you decide who you want as it isn't fair on him.
You need to decide who you see a future with.
xxxxxxx
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reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (26 June 2007):
 I agree with Brandi!! Also you should choose the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with! Good luck!!!
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reader, Brandi +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Hi well tehe best way to choose is that you need to notice which one you trust more and which one treats you better.
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