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female
age
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*mma130
writes:I am so confused and hope someone can help. I have fallen for this guy at work but we are both in other relationships.About 6 months ago this man and I realised that we were very attracted to one another and as we both have issues around sex in our permanent relationships decided to have some fun together. This happened a few times but then he told me he could not continue as he felt so guilty about his partner. He told me he cared a great deal for her and did not want his relationship with her to end. He was worried we would get caught so we agreed just to be friends.We have stayed friends since then and I care about him a great deal and think that he feels the same for me. We still flirt with one another from time to time but that is it. Recently, however we went away on business and found it impossible to resist one another. We had fantastic sex but he still told me that back home he cannot cope with the betrayal and fears losing everything if we get caught.I have really fallen for him and think about him all the time. I know he cares for me but I guess it is not as much as I do for him. I just don't understand how he can just be this way when we are away - surely he can't love his partner that much if he could be that passionate with me?My head is all over the place and I really don't know what the future holds so any advice gratefully received.
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 The problem with cheaters is that they nearly always cheat again. I understand that neither of you has done this before, but it will be very difficult to trust each other in the future. Additionally, the feelings of jealousy over each others' spouses will tend to poison that trust further.
Your husband is a good, kind man, as you said; he did not deserve this from anyone. Likewise the other man's wife. While each person deserves honesty, and an apology, doing so will likely end both relationships. This will leave you free to pursue each other, but that will not likely last long.
Part of what attracts you to this man, and him to you, is the scarcity of each others' company. You can only get together when you're sneaking around, and that makes it exciting. When that excitement is gone, all you will have left is the trust issue. The initial "high" of the early infatuation is long gone by now.
Part of the reason you no longer love your husband is because you are getting your love and drama elsewhere. People have a difficult time really loving more than one person at once. You need to break off all contact with this man, and try to rebuild your relationship at home.
The bottom line is that, at this point, someone has to get hurt. Even leaving the situation as it is will only further torture you and the other man with the feelings of being disconnected from your families - and that's assuming you can avoid being caught.
A
female
reader, Emma130 +, writes (7 August 2008):
Emma130 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the views of those who responded to my original question and I understand why some think the way I am behaving is wrong. I agree it is not fair on my husband but I honestly did not intend to get so involved with someone else.
It is now a year on and things have continued to develop with this other man. We now see each other regularly and it is obvious how much we care for one another although we never discuss this. I am very unhappy in my marriage but in lots of ways afraid to leave and hurt my family. I think I know that I will never be able to be happy with my husband but despite what people might think leaving is not necessarily the easy option. I also want this other man so much and am concerned that if I leave and he stays with his partner it will be worse for me than it is at the moment.
I struggle to work out what he thinks - he seems jealous of anyone else who shows any interest in me and often asks questions about my marriage. He tells me he cares deeply for his partner but has never said that he loves her. I am sure he is staying in the relationship for security as he has been badly hurt in the past and I dont think he would be prepared to risk everything for something which might not even work out in the long term.
I cant stop thinking about him and am sure that I love him. Should I take a chance and be honest with him about how I feel or would that scare him off completely?
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A
female
reader, Emma130 +, writes (7 July 2007):
Emma130 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice and I know it must seem as though we are both awful cheating on our partners but it really is not like that. I have been married for over 23 years and have never done anything like this before. He has also never strayed in his relationships and that is why we both feel so confused. I have been unhappy for a while and whilst I know that my husband is a good, kind man I am really not sure that I love him anymore. My feelings for the other man are very strong and I just want the opportunity to get to know him better to see whether there could be anything more permanent.
I know he cares for me but am not sure how deep his feelings are. He has never said he loves his partner, just that he cares deeply for her. He has been divorced before (he got quite hurt I think) and I get the feeling that he could not face another relationship breaking up. He also lost out financially before so I think he is really worried about that. The thing I really cannot understand is that if he really does not want anything more from our relationship why can't he leave me alone? Although I originally met him through work we do not work together now yet he is still flirting with me and has told me he is very attracted to me. We are trying to keep things just as friends but there is still chemistry between us and I can't just forget about him no matter how I try. I know if the opportunity arose in the future we would end up in bed together again so is it just the sex that is keeping us attracted to one another? I don't feel it is as we talk to each other about everything and really get on on a friendship level too - that is why I am so confused. Please help.
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A
male
reader, BetterOffBlind +, writes (26 June 2007):
Get away from this man as soon as possible. He already told you he can't cope with the betrayal and is afraid of losing everything if he gets caught having sex with you. He is only physically attracted to you. He was probably bored with sex with his woman and turned to you to fill that void. Now that he has slept with you he realizes it's not always greener on the other side. He now values his woman even more. He probably realizes sex wasn't the most important thing in his relationship and you were his cure. He is probably scared to death about what he did with you in fear that you will tell someone at work. The reason he can be this way when you two are away is because he knows he can get away with it. At work it is alot more riskier. He is bad news and so are you. I would never condone cheating. Why would you want to be with him anyways? You couldn't even trust him. Nor could he trust you. You both only turned to each other because you could relate. Now that you have taken care of the issue by having sex there is nothing left to gain. Stop pursuing this man and appreciate what you already have.
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (26 June 2007):
 I think that you should be cautious about this man! And he is also your co-worker, which might make working together not a good idea.
For one thing, if he cheated on his gf with you, he would eventually cheat on you if you two did have a relationship! Just think about it! I also think that he is just using you for sex because of what you said that he doesn't want to leave her!
You said that you are also in a relationship yourself. If you love that person, you should try to patch it up, or think about finding someone else (who isn't attached to someone else) Good Luck!!
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