A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in LOVE with a man who i recently broke up with because he does not want to have children. I felt like he was rejecting me. He loves me and tells me so. I have ended this relationship, then poured my heart out to him repeatedly as i do not want the relationship to end. He is THE ONE!! period. We get along fab, he is sensitive everything. I really cant do without him. He tells me that breaking up is the best because the relationship will end eventually. I am considering giving up my want for children for him. He does not believe me. I hurt to the core. I cant stop crying. I find myself writing him poems... I KNOW he loves me. Can this work?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): Thanks for your answers i find your support really invaluable! Yes he has told me why, he states that he thinks the world is populated enough and there is a part of him that is "broken" as he does not feel the way other people feel about children. He also said that "IF" it happened he would just deal with the situation and change the focus of his life, with no ill feelings. However, i do wonder thanks to 'lonley two's' comments and your reinteration, i wonder if he can even have children? I have not asked him that and at this point, I dont know if I should. I love your suggestion if seeking others who have children and those who do not. I also wonder if that would be me trying to persaude him. I still talk to him daily and we still go out "on dates" (Which he still treats my like the lady i am) NO SEX involved. we meet up then go HOME. Which is part of the reason i still LOVe him. I do know that us hanging on probably is not the best. In the back of my mind i wish he would change his mind, Thanks again for all your help. THANKS :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): Just to respond to your followup...reading what you wrote made me think it would be a much more enormous loss for you to say "good-bye", especially after the depth of bonding, you and your bf have shared. If you choose to love and be his partner without children, that is something only you can decide for yourself.
But, in reference to 'LonelyTwo's' comments..I am curious and I have to ask because you don't really say, but..has he ever given you an actual 'reason' for not wanting children of his own? Let us know.
Depending on his reasons and rationale for remaining childless..I also think it may be a good idea to explore these issues in couples' counseling, if this proves to be daunting for you both. It might even prove useful to take some time to experiment with visiting friends and relatives who have children of various ages. Ask your guy to talk with other men who have chosen fatherhood, as well as men who do not have (and may not want) children. Do the same with women you know. This will give you some idea of whether or not you individually want to be parents.
You never know, he could change his mind and it might be worth a try. But in the end, you could just drop this subject if you can accept, not ever becoming a Mother. There are some women who'd do this and some who'd think this was a relationship-buster.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): Thank you for ALL of your feedback! I know he is not selfish. I KNOW he has told me and agreed to end the relationship out of love, no matter what ive tried to continue this relationship. I have respect for his decision and i have not once tried to sway him, convince him nor chastied his point of view of not wanting children. I know that is not fair to him, nor has he tried to persuade me to not have children. I really feel at this point letting go hurts me to the core, the outlook of not ever having children does not. However, "Country Woman's" words do resonate with me, regarding her father. I really dont know if I will have regrets later i life. Time as passed and i am having difficulty moving on without him. I cant date, no feelings there for the next nor the next men ive tried to date as they simply are not HIM! I know i may sound pathetic, but that is why I'm on this site. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): No.. no he is not selfish.. if someone doesn't want kids, it's the best thing that they not have them. I think that's where abusive parent-child relationships happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): Selfish? Why would it be implied that your man is selfish? I say, to each their own. How exactly is not wanting children selfish and to whom? I think people assume if you don't want children in a love relationship...then one is selfish. That's hogwash!
Listen, he's been upfront, honest and open with you. He told you he didn't want kids. He loves you but he's willing to take that risk and 'let you go' to finding someone to have children with. I think it would be much more selfish to have children, and then not put in the time and effort in, to raising them properly with love and appreciation. I've seen that and the only ones who suffer are the poor children. Listen...children are not the 'end all' to all couples, in relationships.. A lot of couples are happy and content, without children...plain and simple. But if you want kids and he doesn't..then I'm still stating..that you may have to move on...a tough decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): Is he deadset against it strongly? Or is there a little bit of give. You know, I have met many males who are initially uncomfortable about becoming fathers. Particularly if they are stuck on other goals re; Career, travel, etc. But, I have seen some of these guys, become enthusiastic Dads, eventually and being grateful for having this new world open up for them.
However, if this is not the case, then I'm sorry. What a painful situation for you and him! And this is a biggie! How badly do you want to be a Mother? And what is his decision about NO kids...how is that emotionally going to cost you? Be really, really honest with yourself. Can you see a future without kids? If your answer is no, then it sadly means you and he have different life values/goals. If there are any doubts in your mind about remaining childless with this man, would you come to deeply resent him, in the future?
I will say as well...you have a fellow who has been painfully honest with you and said 'he doesn't want to be a Dad.' I credit him for that. Children are, indeed, a monumental, profound responsibility that will require, not just you but they need a Father to give that child the most happiest, solid life you both can muster up. And it takes two--every child born needs to have a mother and a father who deeply loves and commits to that them.
You are a female, aged 30-35, the time that many of us begin having a family. So I understandstand your heartbreaking dilemma. The true mark of a mature person is when they come to fully realize that life's big decisions like this need to be decided together.And you know that. However, he has to be on the same page. And if he's not...plainly, you and he are at different life stages, so therefore your values are not matching up, in this area and this child 'issue' is huge. There is no easy answer here. You of course, have every right to want children in your future and be a Mother. It truely is a joy as I have been blessed with 3 children, myself. But when it comes to having kids, there is no room for compromise. You both have to want that. I can’t give you the words to make him come around to your point of view and really, do you want to force a man to become a Father who doesn't want to be? Your baby needs two solid, unified parents married and committed to each other. Before you can have a baby, you need a husband who will totally and willingly commit to helping you raise this baby. Any other option is third-rate and not good enough for any baby.
If you really want a child, and become a Mother, and can't get on the same page on this decision, then my advice is to put your wants first. Move on, mourn this loss...and recover. You may have to eventually find a fellow who shares this want of having a family with you. Sorry my dear and my heart is with you on this one. A tough, tough spot to be in. Hugs. xx
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 July 2009):
 I have to say that what Sincerely Yours has said is both eloquent, honest and very true.
Having children is a joy and to give that up is one of the biggest decisions anyone can take.
You obviously must know why he doesn't EVER want to have children as you must have discussed it, what are his reasons?
Up until you met this man your desire to have a child must have been extremely strong as I think a lot of people either know from an early age that they want to have a child ONE day or that as they get older the old body clock keeps on reminding them to either get a move on or live their lives in such a way to accommodate them when the time is right.
I always knew I wanted a child one day even as I was growing up the playing with dollies was something I wanted to do when I was older. I had ovarian cysts at 15 and lost one fallopian tube and ovary and then million to one chance again the same thing happened to the other one but they repaired the ovary and I didn't lose the tube, this happened when I was 24 and already in a relationship that started when I was 20. My parents and sister always thought it would be hard for me to conceive and after almost 15 years in my relationship they had given up any hope of a grandchild with me, it wasn't until my dad got bowel cancer that reality kicked in and my need to have a child before my dad passed away or wasn't in my life anymore became so important to both myself and my partner that we started trying for a baby and miracles of miracles I was pregnant six weeks later. I lost my dad in Feb 07 and she knew her grandad and he knew her for 6 years of her life.
The point I am taking a long time to get to is that please consider that life often throws a few curve balls at us and the reality that our own parents are not always going to be around and there for us and we will one day die means that giving birth to a child actually makes the whole reprocreation fact finally make sense and in turn the reason why we are here.
Obviously ever one has the right to either have or don't have a child and I fully appreciate and respect their decisions. What you need to ask yourself is that can you live with the final consequences and not feel like hell when someone you know is pregnant and having a child and you sit back and tell yourself you don't want it because the man of your dreams doesn't either. Don't have regrets and don't hold it against him like Sincerely Yours said, this decision has to be made whole heartedly and not with the view that you hope he could one day change his mind because he MIGHT.
I was in a relationship like that to a degree but I knew that my NOW ex had ALWAYS said he wanted children ONE DAY and that was the difference, just because we hadn't done it earlier in life didn't change that fact. We just weren't ready beforehand.
Just before my dad died, my sister asked him the question of whether he had any regrets in life and he turned round to her and said I can HONESTLY say that I don't have any. I have a loving wife, two wonderful daughter's and four fantastic grand-daughters, I have seen some of the world and lived a good and decent life. I am happy to go when the time comes. I consider myself a lucky man.
That is the part that you need to face now rather than when you are an old lady without any children or grand-children around you and whilst you may have nieces and nephews that is one thing but think long and hard before you make the ultimate sacrifice. Once done and dusted the old body clock cannot be reversed.
Do you honestly know in your heart of hearts whether your relationship will last forever or do you have any doubts that you could one day end up alone again? That is the time when bitterness could emerge and affect you for the rest of your life, or your partner passes away before you.
You say about hurting to the core without him in your life, the question is would your core suffer without a child in it as well?
Weigh up all the odds and talk to maybe a relationship counsellor about the affects of taking this decision could mean to you. If you can work through ALL of that and you are then very sure about your decision then I wish you the very best of luck for the future and your relationship.
We are all here to help and listen at any time OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (25 July 2009):
 i really think if you both want different things from your future it cannot work in the long run.
you want kids and he doesnt.
this is a big issue and will be the cause of arguements between the both of you.
maybe breaking up is the right thing now because he will never want the children you desire.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): Unfortunately, unlike most things in relationships, this is something that is extrememly difficult to compromise over. This will never be a win win situation, unless one of you completely and truely changes your mind.
So since that is true, either one or both of you will have to get what you don't want. If one of you is willing to cope with that, then it can work. But that person has to be able to live without a grudge, resentment, anger, frustration, etc.
If you decide to go childless for him, then you can make it work but you can't bring it up to him in arguements, build up resentment toward him at the sacrifice you've made: it must be a selfless, stringless act and you must be able to FULLY cope with your decision.
If he decides one day to have a child for you, then he must never feel anger towaed that child. He must never become abusive or violent. He must never bring it up in arguement, and all the same as you.
If you really can't do without him, then i guess.. if you can't, you can't. There's just a very difficult decision to make here. Him.. or a chance at a family..
It's up to you. You CAN make it work, as you asked, if you put your whole heart, mind, and soul into it, but heed warning: it's not easy giving up on dreams. Some owuld even deem reproduction and family the purpose of our lives. Would you be giving up your purpose?
DOn't give yourself a life that you will regret when you're on your deathbed thinking over how it all went. Do what best for you in the long run. I think you CAN do without him. It'll be hard, but eventually you will be ok.
But you also have to consider your age. It's a risk to get out there in your thirties and try to find a man, the right man, be with him, get engaged, married, and prepare for kids before you are older than you want to be. (personally, when i hit forty, i don't want any more kids..)
I'm sorry that you've found yourself in such a situation. I hope that it all turns around for you somehow. Goodluck.
~Sy.
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