A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a successful relationship for almost 2 years. It's been perfect, we both love each other dearly, we spend more than 5 hours daily together (be it physically (when possible) or via phone, skpy, etc.). Honestly, it's even better than perfect. Why oh why does a thing like this happen then? Recently I've met a girl who's beautiful, charming, romantic, has a great sense of humour, gentle, an artist just like me. We've talked for days and have grown quite fond of each other, she even said she's starting to fall in love with me. She never asked if I have a relationship, so I never told her. However, I feel this amazing attraction to her, in every possible way. I have no idea what to do.If I tell her I have a girlfriend I might mess up and lose THE ONE love of my life I've just met. If I break up with my girlfriend I might be breaking up with the one love of my life. But if I continue on and have two relationships at the same time just to see which is THE ONE I feel like I'd be doing something wrong. I've never cheated on a partner before.Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 I don't understand why are you so defensive with the answers people gave you?You said it yourself that you don't want to end with your current gf and don't want to loose the new woman?What do you expect people to tell you? YES! Go ahead date both of them until you decide with one you want to keep? These two girls are not dogs? You're dealing with people with real emotions and feelings. What you are about to do can change their lives forever and scar them for life...I am not sure if you have ever been cheated on? Maybe, you're one of the lucky one's, but I know the feeling through personal experience. And no, it was not my fault!!! 10 years, loyal, honest, devoted, best friend, always took care of myself, didn't gain weight or let go of my self, didn't nag, always took care of him, tried my best to be supportive, not just a female companion, but also best friend... And it happened to me.. He regrets and begged me for forgiveness and want us back, but it will never happen. So, choose wisely, think about the consequences, because whatever you do, you can never go back..Right now, what you have with your girlfriend is pure, innocent, natural... Once you betray her trust, its almost impossible to gain back and the memories will always be there...I know you don't want to admit, maybe don't agree, but you're cheating on your girlfriend emotionally, because you're having actual, physical contact with this new girl... Spending time, talking, etc.. Anyways, I just hope you don't hurt your girlfriend? As you described her, she sounds like an amazing, beautiful girl, inside and out... Its hard to find somebody special in life. Someone that is not crazy? Has good hygine? Smart? Beautiful? Positive? Not annoying? Respect u? Know when to give u space? Dude, the list is endless and you're lucky enough to have it all...
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 OP, in life you will always meet someone who is more your "type" than your current partner. Someone who will be gorgeous, who you can instantly connect with and there will be an instant chemistry. But that does not mean you leave the person you are with,to be with the other person. Someone new, exciting and interesting will come along very often, and you cant go around changing your mind at the drop of a hat. If you are so fickle, then be prepared to get the same back from your relationships. Don't expect fidelity from your partner and be ready to be in a constant state of turmoil.
In your case, here's what you do. Decide what you want. Do you see yourself with another woman other than your GF? Do you want to test the water before you step in? By all means do it, BUT, make your intentions very clear to your present GF. Because you are cheating on her even though you might not want to admit it and its extremely unfair to her, that you have all these thoughts in your head, while she has no clue about any of this. How would you like it if the roles were reversed and your GF was doing this to you? That she was bonding with some guy behind your back and leading him on? Because that's what you have done. You have, either knowingly or unknowingly, led the other girl on, while deceiving your GF.
I think you should let go of your present GF because she doesnt deserve this. She is just living in an illusion while here you are, debating on what YOU want. That's very, very unfair to her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 June 2011):
 And when the new girl told you she has feelings for you, why didn't you tell her right away " too bad, because I am in a committed relationship so we can only be friends ? "
Oh, you were in a hurry, right. Cool, then why , when you went home, did not take advantage of your leisure moments to send her a nice email with the same content ? Why don't you do it now, or tomorrow ?...
Because you are afraid you'd "lose " her. As is quite probable, if she wants more than friendship but does not want to be your plan B. So, you'd continue omitting this very relevant and crucial piece of info about your status, thereby fostering misplaced expectations and giving her the wrong impressions- this IS emotional cheating on your GF. And taking the new girl for a ride too. You'd be screwing them over at the same time.
As for being free to "date " two people at the same time, and then take your pick ( btw,just for the record ) that's a very debatable , and debated, American custom , not an universally valid God-given right ) , you are way past this selection stage, since you have been in a relationship for the last 2 years.
It sounds a typical case of I want to keep my cake and eat it too. Never an easy accomplishment, and in your case, I am afraid, not possible. Something's gotta give.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2011):
 Listen, you're arguing your case here, but none of what you say justify what's going on. Small crushes are fine, when you're in a long term relationship it happens. But we know when to stop them, and know where the line goes. When it gets to the point that it makes you question the relationship you are in it has gone too far.
Making friends is fine. But you're not making friends with this girl, and you know it too. If you were only a friend, how come then the fact that you are in a relationship would mean you will "lose" her? If she's "only a friend" you'd not lose her. If she was only a friend you would have told her you are in a relationship. The normal thing is to tell people you are in a relationship, they don't have to ask. This girl is so amazing that she makes you wonder if you should drop your current girl over her, and you sit here and call her just a friend? I wasn't born yesterday.
There's a reason you didn't tell this woman you are in a relationship.
I'll let you in on some words of wisdom that I don't think you've heard before. I'm sorry that I assumed you were aware already. Here's the thing: you can figure out who's the one for you for life if it's marriage you are looking for, and that's fine. No problem there. If you question your relationship, and are unsure if she's the one, thats fine. That's all fair. What's not ok is to open yourself up to the possibility of being with someone else while you are in the relationship. You need to judge your relationship based solely on the actual relationship. If you, without ever having met this other woman, would think that your current relationship wasn't good enough, ONLY THEN do you have sufficient reason to end the relationship.
Ending a perfect relationship because you met another woman will take you nowhere in life. If you do that, it only means you can't commit. It shows that you are looking to see if there's anything better out there, that you aren't exclusively with your partner, you are always keeping the door open for something better to come along. If you do this, you will go in and out of relationships, there might be cheating, you'll always second guess your choices. A woman wouldn't trust you. A woman wouldn't trust that she can let you go out and befriend other women, because she'll know that you get tempted by them.
The golden rule is to always end one relationship before you start another. You already started a relationship beyond friendship with this other woman. You don't like to call it lying, but she'll definitely see it as deceitful. Because you weren't honest about your relationship status, and people assume that when you don't say you are in a relationship, you are single. I think you know this. If you had told her right away she wouldn't have gotten so close, she wouldn't have opened up the possibility of falling in love with you, but kept her distance. You let her come closer.
If you are being honest with me and that you never intended for her to fall for you, that you only wanted friendship... then the clear reaction would have been for you to tell her right away as she confessed her growing feelings, tell her that you are in a relationship and were only seeking friendship from her.
Yet, you didn't do this. Tell me why.
Another word of wisdom for you. Neither girl is the love of your life. Maybe one of them can become your lifetime partner, but neither is the love of your life. If your current girl was the love of your life you wouldn't have been wondering about being with someone else, would you? If this new woman was the love of your life, you wouldn't have started out the relationship with her in this way either, behind your girlfriends back.
Also... you don't know this new woman yet. She could be horrible once you are in a relationship. But that's just the practical aspect of it. If you do believe in one love per lifetime, soulmates etc... don't you think you'd have met at a better time, when you were single? Don't you also think that maybe.. just maybe... she's just an amazing person that you met and you feel flattered she fell in love with you. That your other relationship is growing boring, and you don't know what to do... And the new girl is interesting and new, intriguing. And that's it?
If you break up with the girl you are currently with, let it be because she wasn't the one for you, and you knew it. Don't let it be because you met a new and fascinating woman. A person who is dedicated to their partner doesn't go looking elsewhere, and dedication is a personal trait, a sign of your character. It isn't dependent on whether or not the person you are in a relationship with is your soul mate or not. It comes solely from you. If you can't be dedicated to your current girlfriend, and show the relationship respect (by not being scared of telling people you are in it), then you wont be dedicated to the next woman you date either. These are the choices you make that defines you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I didn't lie because she never asked. I didn't say anything because I wanted to be friends with her. So go ahead and sue me for me thinking someone is amazing. Does it mean that if I'm in a relationship I can't find anyone else to be great? I'm not emotionally cheating on my girlfriend because I'm not in love, nor am I flirting with this other girl, I'm just being a normal friendly guy which I am always.I never pretended to be single.I never knew she liked me as more than a friend, not until she told me she was falling in love with me. The communication broke down because I was in a rush as she was telling me this.You're being very inconsistent. Small crushes are fine you say but you're accusing me of emotionally cheating on my girlfriend? I don't want anyone drooling at me. I'm just saying that an amazing woman is apparently falling in love with me. Because she is so amazing I'm wondering whether my girlfriend really is the love of my life and whether she really is the one for me. Perhaps it's this other girl, or someone I haven't even met yet...I want to be certain the girl I'm with is the one I want to grow old with, and there was a time when it was normal for a guy to have more than a single relationship until he decides who is the one for him. Though I'm not suggesting I'd date two women I AM wondering whether my girl really is the woman of my life.As I am lucky to have such a great relationship and woman by my side so is the woman by my side lucky to have me. I was always honest with this new girl, I never gave her reason to believe I want anything more than friendship.Only a fool doesn't ever question his or her relationship and whether he or she is the one.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 June 2011):
Maybe Im in a horrible mood today, and with each question I answer I try to put myself in the shoes of the other person. But in this case I must say I can't for the love of god have any sympathy for your situation. I find you to be doing something quite immoral right now. You've been flirting with this other woman, you have been leading her on (you didn't tell her you were taken!). So now not only are you emotionally cheating on your girlfriend (yes, that's a form of cheating as well), you're also two-timing this new girl.
And you even CONSIDERED starting a relationship with her and have BOTH women at the same time? That's incredibly low of you. I don't usually scold posters on here, but you need to be sat straight. Your actions define who you are, so make that choice very carefully now.
Yes, you might "lose" the girl you met if you tell her you're in a relationship. Because she'll see that as you lying to her. In effect, you have been lying to her. You pretended to be single!
Second, if your relationship is wonderful with your girlfriend, how can you even think about looking outside of the relationship? Small crushes are fine. Sure. And you don't go blind just because you're in a relationship. You're also allowed to meet new people, make friends. But you're going beyond an innocent flirt here. You've been leading her on because you WANTED her to think you are single, because you knew if she knew you were taken she'd move on. And selfish enough as you are being right now, you don't want her to move on, you want to have both your girlfriend AND this other girl drooling at you and showing their interest.
You make the choice, do you want to be a two-timing jerk, or do you want to be a good guy? It's a jerky move to flirt with this woman and hide the fact that you are in a relationship, it's a jerky move towards both women. But you have the option to stop it right here and now and not look back.
This isn't even a question you should be wondering about, you know the answer just as well as I do.
If your relationship is wonderful... I hope you start to appreciate it and value it for what it is worth, because you're lucky to have such a great relationship and woman by your side. Lucky. I envy you that relationship. Don't grow spoiled and think it's something you should easily throw away. This new woman, Im sure she's great. But you've fooled her. Keep her as a friend if you can, and listen, if she isn't interested in being your friend she wasn't that interested in you as a person anyway. It means that if you couldn't have kept her around as a friend (if you had been honest with her to begin with) this other girl was only after one thing, and that's got little to do with your personality. You can't lose what you never had. If she's not interested in being friends, then you never had her to begin with.
Try to make friends based on who you actually are, and not on an illusion of who you are. Don't pretend to be something you aren't (like single when you're taken). Be honest, honesty goes a long way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): Well, you're right, cheating is the worst option possible. It's wrong in both situations, everyone gets hurt. And, the new girl, if she's such a great person would dump you if she found out as well. I would tell her that you are in a relationship and you're starting to develop feelings for her so you need to back off a bit. Remember that the girl you're with is great and it has gone on for 2 years. That means a lot! You've survived in a relationship with her, where as this new girl could turn into a psycho or bitch in the next couple months. I know you think, 'no, not her' but you never know how it will work out between you two if you were to start dating. Sure, she seems great as a flirty side, but what about life partner, woman change once they're in a relationship. My suggestion is to take time from both of them and figure out if the girl you think you want to be with is absolutely positively better for you and worth screwing up another perfect relationship for. I think you might have a little bit of a problem with the one you're in currently if you're allowing yourself to get this close to another woman you're interested in. Maybe you need to put a little spark back into your relationship and you miss the 'lovey-dovey passion' phase with your current. SO, after you make your decision, or even before you take time to figure out if she's worth leaving, take her out on a great date, treat her really nice, have a great time with her and spark things up. Might just be a little dip in your current relationship that's making you think outside the box and this other girl looks wonderful because she's giving you attention and that's flattering. Good Luck!
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