A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I hope you can help me, since several years I am in a strange situation. I have a chronic illness that allows me to do much less than other people. Actually I was severely affected for some years, mostly bedbound, now it improved but still I can do only around half of what healthy people can do, and I cannot walk for more than one 1km per day, I have to spend one or two days per week in bed, and to have some alone time (one or two hours) everyday. This didn't stop me from going paraglading, going on a horse, going to conferences every two months, I just have to spend one or more days in bed afterwards. Do you think it is right in such a situation to wish (and actively look) for a partner? Or am I just bringing the burden of my misery on someone else? What makes it more difficult is that a) I don't look sick - I am most of the time well dressed, some heel, make up, next month I ll be buying a disability scooter because I am moving to a bigger city (a cool one with a flat seat, not the "chair" seat, but still with three wheels), so maybe that will make some people wonderb) I hang out in pretty "smart crowds" because of my job and interests, and I am afraid that in those circles people are even more allergic to the idea of illness than, say, people in a church (I am not Christian, so church is not an option). c) I have NO clue about how to explain my situation to guys without putting them off completely For instance, right now I am chatting with a couple of interesting guys from some dating sites, and usually after I chat for a bit I just write something off key and let them go, because they don't deserve to hook up with someone like me. AND, more selfishly because I just don't know how to start talking about the illness, I can't find any suggestions about this online. You DearCupid readers are mostly healthy, do you have any suggestions about how you would like to be told about such a secret from someone that you like? thank you..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Well I was speaking to a guy online and we had a really good connection and he casually mentioned it on about the 5/6th message. He just mentioned he hadn't been feeling great lately and then mentioned what he had. I considered how it would affect things but decided to see how it goes. If it turns into an absolutely great relationship then I'll be willing to deal with it. It wasn't a big shock or anything as he'd mentioned it fairly early.
Don't think you're being selfish. So long as you're honest about it after you've met up a few times then it's their choice if they want to get involved or not. Yeah it will bother some people but not everyone. So go for it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): Yes, you are as entitled to have a relationship as anyone else. It is however fair to let someone know what to expect.
You could always include your condition in your dating profile, along with your interests and activities. Put a positive spin on it and invite questions. The more at ease people feel about it, the more likely they are to overlook or accomodate it. Besides, you don't know what afflictions some of your potential suitors have and that might be a good way to attract someone with something in common.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis doesn't really answer my question(s) that are: how do I tell it to guys, and does it make sense that I keep trying, shouldn't I just give up?
Finding friendships, both male and female, is not easy when you can just do so much every day (and some days that amounts to nothing), and females tend to be a bit more compassionate with people with disabilities, while men, I have the impression, just run away.
I am trying to move to another office that is an open space with more people dropping by, so that at least I can work in the middle of like-minded people who could become friends (because I do have to work too..) - but it's just mindblowingly difficult.
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