A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4 years is a music teacher, and I just found out he has agreed to go on a 3 month tour with his friend's band (their normal bassist can't do it) without thinking to discuss it with me.I am so hurt! Surely after 4 years this is something we would talk about together before he agrees? I actually think we would probably manage to do long distance for that time if it was something he really wanted, but it's the fact he didn't think he had to even talk to me about it before agreeing. He said the details aren't final yet so we have time to sort out how to work it out, but he's agreed now so it's not as if it will make any difference now anyway.This has totally shaken me as he genuinely doesn't see why I'm upset or why I think he should have consulted me first. How can I think about marrying someone like that?! He's always been a bit selfish but never to this level. Do you guys think I'm overreacting or are my feelings justified?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 Ah the joys of premarital cohabitation. You get to live like a married couple, to split bills, share income, take on responsibilities , keep house just like a married couple.. then something " dreamy " comes up and he ( or she of course....) gets to say " hey we are not married, I don't have to consult you, I am not obliged to care about your opinion ".
Too easy, IMO. If you decide to live as a married couple, then be consequent and act as a married couple would in ref. to any major decision.
Your bf is not a bit selfish, he is monstrously selfish. He lives as part of a couple when it's convenient for him ( sex, sharing bills... ) and as a footlose and fancyfree single when it's not.
As for supporting his dreams, yes, I realize that being the partner of an ambitious artist is somewhat different than being the partner of a 9to5er. There are special trains that only pass once and should not be missed.... and catching them may mean sacrifice and adjustments for the other half of the couple, and this is to be factored in.
But, I say, should not the artist at least CHECK first if his mate is still supportive of the dream, rather than assuming that HIS dream always comes before anything ? Should he not at least ask " hey, this is my dream, can I count on your support ? "...
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 I don't believe that you must be married to voice your opinion on your partner's decisions. Take people who get married within a few months of meeting each other as an example. They'll hardly have as much love and respect for each other as a couple who have been together for four years.
I think that if you have a loving and respectful relationship with someone, then it is the responsibility of each person to inform the other of big decisions such as this one. This DOES NOT mean that they can tell each other what to do.
The point of telling your partner of a decision you're about to make is to get their opinion and judge whether or not the actions you are going to take is worth whatever impact it may have on your partner and your relationship. This is NOT giving your partner total control over what decisions you make. This is you making an informed decision, accepting the possible consequences, and generally just showing your partner that you do consider their opinion even if you don't agree.
By my understanding, OP's partner is taking her for granted, whether or not she was going to agree with his decision. He didn't ask her for her opinion, either because he already assumed she would say yes or he doesn't care for her opinion. If he's just going to do whatever he wants then he may as well be single, because being in a relationship requires that you actually consider thoughts and opinions of your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): "He has always been a bit selfish but never to this level". Well you just found out how selfish he can be! Is this someone you want to be with? Its not the 3 month tour.. it is the way he thinks it is ok to just go and do it with absolutely no discussion with you - no respect for your feelings. He will, no doubt, expect you to be there waiting loyally for him until his return. You have two choices. See this as clear indication that he is selfish and will always be - what does that attitude hold for the future? and ditch him. Or you could play the long game and make sure you have some really exciting things planned in for his absence - and make sure they are things that will make him wonder what he is missing. Make sure you communicate them and more importantly actually do them. That will prove to him you are no doormat. At the moment you are in danger of being a doormat. My ex husband accepted a job with a complete relocation and said "I didn't know I had to discuss it with you" (me, his wife) when I was angry at the lack of consultation. I can assure you he never got any less selfish - just more and more.... because I let him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 You live together?
That's different if his decision impacts you financially.
In this case, I'd tell him to not come back.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 July 2013):
Chigirl, I totally respect your opinion. Your point of view is one I think is sorely needed on here. And, as far as the OP's emotional response to this incident is, I agree with you!
You bring up the point I was making at the close of my post...meaning, while he doesn't have a legal or even a moral obligation to check with her before making a decision, there are relationship ramifications. His right of a lack of accountability in his decisions is also HER right. He can't have it both ways, to simply go off for months without her also having that right.
The way he acts now DOES determine what she feels. And, I understand her pain. A 3-month absence could be a relationship ender. However, and you can't get around it, she doesn't have the right to DEMAND that he checks with her. Yes, it's a 4-year relationship. However, there are simply things that go with a marriage or child-raising protocol that aren't there without those components.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Hi all I am the OP. I think in my shocked state earlier I missed out some important information which you obviously wouldn't have known.
First of all, while we are not married, we do live together and have done for 6 months. He works from home at the moment (teaches people the guitar in our spare room), so to do this he will need to stop doing that and I would have to take on the rent and bills on my own.
The band are small and are funding the tour themselves, so the money they will get paid will apparently only cover their living and travel expenses while they are away. Plus, he has spent the last 10 months building up a client base, and if they are not willing to put their lessons on hold for 3 months it could be much smaller when he does get back, so I could still be paying a lot on my own while he gets established again.
The time apart would be ok because he has been on 3 or 4 similar tours before (with his old band) and we got through it. He actually quit that band to start working full time so we could move in together though, so I'm shocked that he has agreed to this one do quickly after we did.
I am all for people chasing their dreams and I have done nothing but support him in all the time we have been together. But at some point I just feel it becomes selfish to continually put yourself first. I would never tell him he couldn't go, but at least a thought as to how him leaving me in the lurch would impact me would have been nice.
It just worries me that he'll be chasing this dream forever, and I had horrible visions earlier of me trying to manage at home with kids and bills while he is off living the rock and roll dream again. I get that's maybe a bit extreme, but then I didn't expect this either so who knows.
I know some people said he shouldn't have to ask my permission, and of course I agree with that. That's not what I want at all. But a conversation about how it will all work before he makes a commitment like that? Yes I think I deserve that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 Oh please, more and more people do not marry these days, you can't call a 4-year relationship "just dating" any longer. At that stage, people move in together and many already have children together. It is a 4-year relationship, not a two week relationship in which "just dating" would have been the appropriate term. I know tons more people who are together without marrying, than I know people who marry. And, marriage does not magically make someone more committed or loyal or considerate.
Sure, if she was married to him or had a child with him she could claim a "right" to know these things. But do you honestly think the guy cares what "right" she has for information? I very much doubt the reason he didn't consult her was that "we're not married yet, so I will tell her later". Honestly, if they were married, I think he'd have done the same... said yes without consulting her. After all, the way he acts NOW determines whether or not she's going to see a future with him, as in, whether or not he's husband-material. If he wants to marry her, he needs to show her what a great husband he'll be. Not how great he is at being SINGLE.
Maybe it's an American thing, but marriage isn't hyped up here in Norway. Whether you are married or not you are still expected to be considerate and a good PARTNER, not just run a solo-show. Them not being married has nothing to do with how he treats her. He wouldn't magically change personality and not be selfish if they were married.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 July 2013):
Here's the thing, and as painful as it is, and as much as I understand you being hurt, you and he are not married.
You having a say in his decision, and even you having a right to be consulted in his decision, that is only when you're married. You aren't married, so you don't have the right to demand that from him.
He is your boyfriend, not your husband. It's a great opportunity he has, and unless you and he have produced a child together, all that you can claim from him is exclusivity, meaning you have a right to know that he won't cheat on you while he's away.
He did his duty in telling you he was going. In order for you to actually have a say, you need to be married to him.
That's a two-edged sword. It's understandable that you're hurt by it. He has a right to make those decisions independent of you, but you also have the right to make decisions independent of him. This means you have the right to choose not to be partnered to a touring musician. He is free, and you are free.
I say relax and let him go, which is true love. Music is his dream. Music is touring. When you both get older, have kids, get married, there won't be time for that sort of thing. Now is all he has. Now is all you have.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 July 2013):
The OP doesn't say she wants a veto in this, nor does she say she can't handle the distance. If he had asked her, I believe she would have supported him in it and wanted him to go..! By the sounds of her post she would. Not that it matters, but don't assume she'd have said no.
The problem is he didn't care to consult her, hear her thoughts on it, discuss it with her BEFORE saying, on her behalf as well as his own, that he would leave for three months. He's making decisions that affects the BOTH of them, so yeah, he SHOULD have consulted her. He's making decisions over her head.
I'm so tired of men in relationships only thinking of themselves, and women acting as if the man is the only one who gets to have a say in things... Come on, NO woman would ever accept such an offer without checking in with her boyfriend first. Please tell me if you know of anyone who would, I know none. I think that women do need to grow a back-bone and just do what they want to do without always following what the man does. But I am also so tired of it supposedly being okay that a man gets to do whatever he likes, without a care in the world for the girlfriend/wife or how this will affect her. It is selfish. But it is this way because women so rarely stand up and tell them to think outside of just their own little bubble, and think as a TEAM.
There was no "we" in his thoughts. Just "I". He's not asking you as a team to work through this, he's asking you to go along with whatever he (one person) wants to do. I wouldn't call that asking for support, I would call that asking for submission. I would call that being placed as second, first comes himself. I don't see any teamwork in this mindset of his.
These things can be worked on... but after four years, if he doesn't even understand why you are upset... then can he really ever learn to be considerate of your feelings and INCLUDE you?
You do have a chance to voice your opinion on this trip. You also have the chance to voice your opinion on him not consulting you. He didn't ask your opinion, but you still have every right to voice it, if you ask me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): I agree with you. You are in an exclusive long term relationship and any decision that affects the other person should be discussed, while he doesn't need your permission you'd think at least he'd like to know if you'd be ok with it.
You need to matter too. I'm sure if it was the other way around, he wouldn't like the fact you didn't discuss it first.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I get your initial shock - he is going to be gone for 3 months. But I think it's a little petty of you, that you can't just be happy for him and figure out how to make this work.
I agree with WiseOwlE - this might be a once in a life-time for him. Many many musicians don't get to make a living of playing, but at least he gets to have a taste of it. I think he was just so excited he didn't stop to think that YOU might not agree with it. Though I can't see why. It's only 3 months. He isn't going to the moon nor is he deploying into dangerous areas. If a relationship can't handle being apart (at least physically) for 3 months, then how strong is it?
I see if you two were married that he should have brought it up, you two are dating.
Dating and being married doesn't mean you can't have hobbies or HAVE to be joined at the hip.
I would say this as nicely as I can, get over it. TELL him HOW it made you eel that he didn't even consider you in all this and maybe next time he WILL talk to you first.
Don't YOU think it's selfish of YOU that you believe you have a right to VETO this? (playing Devil's Advocate here) Instead of you two starting to resent each other - talk.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): Your boyfriend is 100% in the wrong and it pains me more and more that people who are lucky enough to have a relationship that lasts obviously take it for granted, your boyfriend is very very inconsiderate even if he was excited his first thought should have been "3 months without my girlfriend :(" you are supposed to be a couple and couples generally discuss things, your feelings are justified and don't let him tell you otherwise
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 July 2013):
Your feelings are justified, that was extremely selfish of him. The decision affects you too, so ofcourse you shold have been consultet. The fact he doesnt understand this just shows you where he stands in this relationship: he thinks of himself as single, and of you as somone (or the relationship as something) of less importance...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): He may have reacted to the offer hastily and agreed out of sheer excitement. It's not everyday that a musician gets the opportunity to travel on tour. It's their dream. That is the price of being with someone who has such a dream.
He has informed you that the details haven't fully been worked out. He anticipated your resistance, and may have had to make a split decision; or lose the opportunity.
Sorry my dear, some opportunities come but once in a lifetime. Music is an obsession for those who have dedicated their lives to it. He is a formally trained musician, who teaches others.
He must have been overwhelmed with being asked to do what he loves to do; which didn't really require him to seek anyone's approval. He informed you of his decision; and technically, that is all he had to do. Like it or not.
If you see this as an opportunity to start weighing whether or not you still want to support him; no one is stopping you.
Are you concerned he didn't consult you; or didn't seek your permission? There is a fine line here. You admit he is a bit selfish. If you've put up with it at all up to now, what makes this situation any different?
He devoted four years to you. Performing his music is his other love.
Now go support him, and tell him that you insist that he inform you immediately; of any decisions he makes, that can directly affect your relationship. Give him your blessing.
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