A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy 16 years older than me for the last 6 months. He has been divorced twice and have 3 teenage/young adult children with his first wife and a 3 yr old daughter with the second. He divorced 18 months ago. I have 2 teenagers and divorced 7 years ago. Thus far our relationship has been great, he started telling me loves me many months ago, we are in touch everyday. I have a key to his house and see him as much as I can in between childcare responsibilities and big jobs. He wants me to live with him one day.However there is a big elephant in the room. No one exept his big brother knows he is seeing me, although his 3yr old knows me as a friend. We always go out in a quieter part of town and hang out at his house. He never comes to my house (or in my to practical life) and also hasn't met my children. I recently brought up the secrecy thing and he said that he is careful about his older children finding out about him having someone in his life, since they had to live through his two divorces and it has been very hard on them. He says that he "will soon ask me to become his girlfriend" and then we can do more things together. He says nothing prevents him from having a public relationship with me, that he is just being careful/sensitive about his children. We have been exclusive since early in the "relationship" and I was horrified that he suggested that he is not currently my boyfriend. All his children, his brother, sister and their families are visiting him at the end of Dec for his big annual birthday celebration and he subtly and sensitively let me know that I can't be at his party, because it would "cause havoc". I try to be understanding that things take time, but 6 months is a good length of time to date consistently and I worry in case I am a convenience he is just stringing along for now. He says he really misses me when I am not with him and always asks me to come over. He says he wants to dedicate more time to us doing just normal things together. How can we be normal and truly get to know all aspects of each other when we don't include our friends/family? I feel unbelievably hurt about the party and not being his girlfriend, so my instinct is to withdraw a bit which will also not help matters. I feel very scared of opening myself up and getting hurt or rejected. Any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): I wouldn't be exclusive with someone unless I was considered a gf. No-one should be sneaking around 6 months into a relationship. I say relationship although it isn't in his book. So he says he "will soon ask (you) to become his girlfriend" Why the wait? You can be his gf but not have been introduced to his children. It seems like he's trying to keep you at arms length. If I were you I'd give him a timeline to decide whether you're worthy of the title and in the meantime stop seeing him. If he's keen he'll be willing to afford you the title and at least introduce you to his friends and be seen out with you. If he isn't he'll drag his feet and you can decide how many months/years you are prepared to wait.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): For me the biggest red flag is that after 6 months in his mind you are not his girlfriend. What are you then? Friend? FWB? I suppose you could say you are a date but after 6 months that's not enough for most people as it doesn't imply or require exclusivity. He allegedly loves you but not enough to give you any kind of status. I'd stop a sexual relationship (if you're having one) unless you're happy being a f*ck buddy.It's understandable that after several failed marriages he doesn't want to introduce another woman to his children as the next Mrs X but after 6 months I don't see why he can't tell the older children he has a girlfriend. They're old enough to know the difference between girlfriend, fiance and step mother. You don't even have to meet them just yet, he only has to be out in the open about it so you can go out in public together. I know I'm being cynical but this is all very convenient for him. He has you for an exclusive, perhaps physical relationship but with all the advantages of being single to the outside world. I'm in your age group and there are many women who would be all over him if they believe he's available.I agree the party would not be the best way of introducing you to the family however by that point you will have been "dating" for 8 months. It would be entirely reasonable if in the New Year that he mentions he's seeing someone regularly to his family and friends. If he isn't willing to do that then you need to take stock. If you want to carry on "dating" that's up to you but hand him back his door key, drop the exclusivity part of your arrangement and look to see other men.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 It really is a tough situation to be in. I can understand why your partner is keeping you under wraps. He does not want all the negativity surrounding telling his family. No it is not fair on you. But I do understand him. I guess you just need to talk to him and ask him how long will it be. It is hurtful you cannot be at his party even as a friend and yes I would be hurt as well.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (29 November 2016):
 Carry on your own independent life as much as you possibly can. Don't give up on seeing friends and don't give up on anything else you do. You've only been seeing each other for six months which actually isn't a huge length of time in the grand scheme of things. In my experience of life, and being single for most of it, men take a lot longer to adapt to changes than we women do. It's understandable that he's concerned about the feelings of his adult children and it's quite likely there could be a lot of hostility towards you once they find out. I've been through very similar to your situation and, like you, I was a secret from the family for quite a long time. It's very hurtful. All you can do is persevere and be patient. If you mean as much to him as he tells you, then it's worth the wait. It's actually early days for you yet so don't expect too much too soon.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 Introducing you as his GF of 6 months at his let’s say (60th) B’day to all his family and friends would create havoc indeed… just look at his track record when it comes to relationships. Can’t you see he doesn't quite have a gleaming record and if you were to go, imagine the snide remarks and inquisition this would generate… NO it’s not the right time, place or occasion to come out of the closet.
If you feel he’s stringing you along or kept in a closet relationship then your instincts are right. If you can wait a few more months, you should then be able to see what his clear intentions are, of officially asking you; "…to become his girlfriend"
Meanwhile your children whom he has not met are protected from any disruption or commotion this relationship may cause if it doesn’t blossom. Surely your first instinct is not to introduce any man into your children’s life… especially one who keeps their mother – you on a string, a man who is not totally ready to go public with you? Just look at this as self-preservation of all concerned.
Plus when you consider the Math of his last divorce 18mths ago, his 3 year old daughter it suggests his 2nd marriage was faulty before it began? How much time does he leave between wives, was the 2nd wife a rebound from his first? Therefore perhaps upon evidence he’s learned something about not rushing in – for a 3rd Divorce? OR maybe and just maybe he’s looking to achieve; 3rd time lucky.
Whatever are his reasons for doing what he’s doing, there are teenagers here to seriously consider, as their reaction to yet another GF/Wife would impact the best of relationships.
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): I understand how you feel OP.Of course you are building a wall and withdrawing your feelings. Why wouldn't you? You are afraid he is not as invested in you emotionally as you are in him. You need to protect your heart. Sure, he has sex with you. He is a guy, is he not? And you are a young thing compared to him so why wouldn't he? I get the attraction. My boyfriend is 15 years older than I am.I just don't feel he is ready to truly commit. I think he is scared and has cold feet. Or something is not sitting right with him to take it to another level. The kids are an excuse in my opinion. When a man really loves a woman, he will not hesitate to call her his girlfriend and he will not hesitate to show her off to the world, especially to family and friends. The fact he keeps you a secret means you are not important enough to him. At least not right now. You are somebody he enjoys companionship with as well as sex. But how deep are his feelings? They are not as deep as yours. Never listen to words. Anyone can say "I love you." It's the actions behind those words that really matter. Yes, there is a good possibility he IS stringing you along. You need to really think about that. If you want to stick around and see if things change and someday you will no longer be his secret, then that is your choice. But I feel you could be risking heartbreak.Also, how sure are you that you are both exclusive and he is in fact, not playing the field? When guys keep women secret and do not own up to feelings, sometimes it can be because they are maintaining emotional distance in order to be able to have sex with multiple women simultaneously. I am not saying this to be mean. I am just trying to provide you with objective advice and different angles for you to think about. If I did not hear you say he was divorced, I would have thought that perhaps he was hiding a wife from you. When men are evasive, you need to be on guard.I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 I think he is trying to put his kids first. Which I think makes sense. 6 months is NOT a long time to be dating. Even if he HAS offered for you to live with him.
He seems to me to be a guy who makes a lot of promises and who is a man of superfluous words and less engaged in deeds.
I actually agree with him that the big annual family party is NOT the best time to introduce YOU to them all. Unless you are going for a big DRAMA.
What is your rush here, OP?
You think if you hurry things along you are instantly wife #3? That all will fall into place?
I think YOU need to slow down and pay more attention to what he DOES, not JUST what he says. He can promise you the World but that doesn't mean he will follow that up with ACTIONS that matches those words.
I'd suggest you keep the sex out of the picture till he is ready to make you his GF. IF you aren't the GF, there should be no sex. And I'd also suggest you keep busy in your life and not make YOUR life revolve around his.
My BIL has been divorced for a good 10 years and has been dating a variety of woman in the last 5. The second to last "gf" was a Keeper, but apparently too independent for him so that ended and he started to date a "piece of work" (to say the least) but she made him happy (for a while) so we didn't say a thing, we just stayed out of the drama. She moved in after a month, and they got engaged after 6 weeks. And guess what? IT didn't last. They were trying WAY too hard to rush things instead of letting it develop organically. THAT is what you are doing too.
Slow down. And figure out if HE is really someone you want to be with.
One thing I DO agree with, NO ONE should be a "dirty secret".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): This guy is not ready to date full stop. If he can't commit after 6 months I'd give it up. You don't want the same thing. His life is clearly too complicated and messed up to make room for you. Whilst I'm sure he needs to be sensitive to his family I'm also pretty sure this is more than that.
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