A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am currently in a loving relationship with someone who I've been with for 3 years and we are now talking about marriage.However, in that three years, we've broken up twice... once for 3 weeks the other for 3 months, both my choice because I felt he wasn't taking it seriously as I was and I felt like the relationship wasn't going anywhere. Now, he is very dedicated and we have no issues.During our three month breakup, I was in a very brief relationship with someone who just got a divorce at the time. I was attracted this person in the past, and he was also interested to me which was wrong at the time because he was married when the mutual attraction started but neither of us acted on it because I wasn't about to go there with a married man! When he divorced it was sort of our chance to actually get together. Ironically his divorced happened just a few weeks before my break up, however I didn't know as he hadn't announced it. When he saw I broke up him almost immediately contacted me and told me he was divorced... which should have been a sign this was a bad thing to come...Anyway, this was last year, but I still feel guilty. Technically we did break up so it was not cheating however I still feel like it was a little bit and I regret it so much. I did not at all plan to get back together with my current boyfriend.Right before me and my boyfriend got back together, I told him about all this. He was hurt, but still wanted to be in a relationship with me... he's a very good guy and I feel like I've done him wrong.Would love some advice...Was I wrong? Should I feel guilty?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): I agree with everyone saying you should cut yourself some slack as you did nothing wrong, but that doesn't solve your problem, does it!
Have you tried to work out the exact reasons why you feel guilty? Your boyfriend is ok with it, you're relationship is fine- it is you creating the guilt in your mind. I'm not accusing you of anything, but the possibilities could be that maybe you still have feelings for the other guy, and that is causing the guilt? Or is there another element to the story that you didn't want to share? Are you sure you're ready for marriage?
Getting to the root of what is bothering you now about an event that is in the past is the only way to resolve it!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): OP here. Thank you for your answers.However, to the person who posted..."Do you actually feel GUILTY because deep down inside you KNEW the other guy was getting divorced and broke up with your boyfriend once you knew so that you could pursue the mutual attraction both of you always had?"I'm not sure if I was clear or not. I had no clue he was getting divorced. He came to me and told me he had gotten one when he saw I'd broken up with my boyfriend. For me, actually, it was a surprise. It was dumb, I admit, to attempt to jump in a relationship with a newly divorced man, but I did not break up with my boyfriend to "test the waters". I truly, honestly, at the bottom of my heart had no idea he was divorced and therefore had no interest in pursuing him.And if you think I'm lying, why would I? This is an anonymous forum. I have no reason to lie. If my intentions were to break up with my boyfriend just be with the guy who had gotten divorced, I would have said that. However, that was not my intention. Also, your answer asking more questions that is so far off from the actual situation is completely unhelpful, but thanks for the attempt. Maybe in the future, you should try not to make such assumptions.To the other posters, again, thank you for your answers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): Here is another perspective.
Do you actually feel GUILTY because deep down inside you KNEW the other guy was getting divorced and broke up with your boyfriend once you knew so that you could pursue the mutual attraction both of you always had? And maybe you convinced yourself you would not get back with your boyfriend to carry on the affair guilt free? But deep down, you still loved your boyfriend but wanted to explore the possibility of a relationship with another guy you were attracted to? But after sleeping with him for a few months, you sowed your wild oats with him, got it out of your system, and found that you didn't really want a relationship with him or that he did not measure up to your boyfriend, whom you really did love, after all. So, you decided to leave him and go back to your boyfriend? But now you feel guilty because you knew your intentions all along? And they were not coming from a place of integrity?
Is that it?
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (28 November 2016):
 No, you shouldnt feel guilt at all. And also you were open with current BF and he took you back, gear those energy into loving him and just appreciating him.
Whats in the past is in the past =)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): You broke up just long enough to have a fling with some other guy and then got back together. Emotionally speaking, you might as well have gone out of town on vacation for a few weeks and secretly cheated. That is not technically what happened. You technically did nothing wrong. You meant no harm. But the heart does not know or care anything about facts or logic or technicalities. The heart only knows emotions. If you skip all the facts and just look at the emotions at work in this, it feels to your BF like you plain old cheated. Its no surprise that he hurts and you feel bad. Try to get over it and not blame yourself. But also try to understand why you are each feeling the way you are now. Don't expect either of your emotions to just go away on command.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 November 2016):
The wrong part was perhaps jumping into a relationship with a divorced guy. I think he would need time to adjust to being single and the same would go for you as well. Of course, very little is wrong is testing the waters and maybe you both knew that whatever you both did was not meant to be serious at all. That would be ironic,going into something which is not serious, but broke up with your ex because he was not being serious. Perhaps, that is the cause for the guilt.
You guys are young, and you may have been together for 3 years but marriage is not necessarily the next step. You should both focus on careers and establishing a good foundation for the future.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 No, you were broken up and not planning on getting back with your boyfriend so what were you supposed to do? Never speak to anyone ever again?
You have even come clean to your boyfriend and he has accepted it, so stop beating yourself up over it.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 A lot of people in your situation would have keep mum, I would have. Not because I would have though I had done anything wrong, because the relationship was over. There is no need to disclose anything and I would not expect the same if the shoe were on the other foot. You were transparent enough to come forth which takes courage and if anything sets a solid foundation for an open and honest relationship. Seriously, I think you should ease up on yourself, you did nothing wrong.
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