A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for over 3 years. Our relationship has always been a bit turbulent. We have had issues as all relationships will suffer through from time to time, but we have always stuck it out and gotten through.We lived together for 2 years and are now living with my parents in an attempt to save money for a house. The relationship between her and my family has become a bit strained and we are now seeking to move out. She isn't very happy in her job or in her life in general. I have always done my best to comfort and reassure her, but it is getting harder because she does not seem to be the kind of person who will help herself. E.g, she worries about her weight, then will eat takeaway and then complain that she isn't losing weight. I want to be clear that I never give her a hard time about her weight, I remain supportive and try and encourage her to eat right.On Friday I went out with my best friend and met a cute girl. We talked, danced and flirted, but nothing more than that. She gave me her email and the next day all I kept thinking about was the temptation to message her. I continually told myself "No, you love your partner, you are better than that. Don't." But there is just something about her that captivated me. I haven't contacted her, but days later I'm still thinking about her and I know I must stop.Why is this happening? What can I do to stop it?
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female
reader, singinbluebird  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 No dont contact the german woman. There are so many red flags there, shes not in your country nor do you know if shes single. sure it was a fun night but leave it there. Plus youre taken. What if you break up with current gf to pursue this girl and she ends up cheating/breaking up with you? Youll be alone, sad and reminisceing about ex and want her back and youll suddenly realize you want marriage, etc. And she'll be over you and spewing hate at you. Ive seen people done this over and over.Focus on the girl you have right now. If you do not want her, consider breaking up. Focus on being single for a year. Date and flirt, but focus on becoming a better man. Save money, get a new job, get healthy,etc. Your head and heart must be at the right place when you decide to choose another girl again. You sounds like a great guy but dont cheat. Its not the answer right now.
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 November 2016):
 This other girl has just flagged up the cracks in you current relationship. It doesn't sound if she is for you. She probably allowed herself to flirt because there was little chance of it ever coming to anything.
As for your partner, you aren't responsible for her mental well-being. Get her to some professional help if necessary, but remember you aren't supposed to carry her all your life.
Best to have a summit conference between the two of you and thrash out the issues. You may love each other but not be right long term. Then you have to take the hard decision.
It is a decision however that allows both of you to go on to find the right person for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the responses. Clearly I have some thinking to do. I really don't want to break up with my partner, but if I'm honest this has been a really bad year for us and I'm just feeling exhausted. I have tried to be supportive of her, but it's starting to run me down. I'm also worried about what she would do if I did break things off. She has struggled with depression in the past and I can't bear the idea of being responsible for her doing something horrible.
Also, I don't think I could even pursue this girl even if we did break up. It wouldn't be healthy for me or indeed my new relationship to go from one relationship to another. Also, I know so little about her. I'm not even sure she lives in this country, because her business card is for a company in Germany. This adds to my temptation to message her, because I could be getting worked up over her for nothing. She might not even be single either for all I know. If she isn't single then it isn't like I am missing an opportunity with her... Do you think it is worth making contact? I know in doing this I am taking a huge risk. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, Amouramour +, writes (29 November 2016):
She captivated you because she's new and you have no issues or conflict with her...
The grass isn't greener. She might not have the same issues as your girlfriend but she will have her own set of problems. Pick your poison.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (28 November 2016):
Your relationship is under strain and a little bit of temptation comes up. Sure, you have the hots for someone else. It is common enough. What you do about it is the real question.
Whatever you do you should be honest with yourself, and everyone else. If you are finding your current relationship a strain then end it. This is a test for you, and honesty is the only way you will pass the test. Don't ever imagine you can have both. It will rip you in two.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): It unfortunately sounds to me like you're falling out of love with the girl you're with now. This situation reminded me of a quote I've heard before that said," If you ever find yourself caught between two lovers, chose the second one. Because if you truly loved the first, there wouldn't be a second." In your question, i didnt see you say that you were happy with her or loved her or wanted to stay with her, which is an indication to me that it looks like you may need to start thinking about moving on. Also, if all your desires and needs were being fulfilled by the girl you're currently with (which it sounds like they're not), then you wouldn't be thinking about this new girl you just met so much. I think you should start thinking about what you want in a relationship, if the girl you're with is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with, buy a house with, etc. Take your time thinking about this too. If you decide that you two aren't going to work out, which is what it looks like to me, then i know this is going to be really hard for both you and her, you may need to break up, or at least go on a break to decide what you want/need in a relationship and for yourself
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