A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has a sexual past, as do I. But for some reason hers bothers and haunts me. She's lived a much different life than me. She just got divorced about 2 years ago, and has been with 5 guys since. My mind can't stop picturing her past, It drives me nuts! Everything about her past is in the past, it was all before me; other than I guy she was with after we met but were not "together". And now I worry about everything, but yet I know she would never cheat on me. This also makes me crazy. I think I have low self esteem, but I want to get past this. We love each other and I'm afraid if I don't get past my self torture it could damage what we have. Help! How can I move on?
View related questions:
divorce, her past, move on, self esteem, sexual past Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2008): A new member on dearcupid, WifeMachine, just answered an old question on this subject. I think that her perspective is valuable and just thought that I would mention it by referencing it here.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/before-me-my-wife-had-a-real-wild.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): q1605, I think that the number depends on how it was accumulated. For instance, I know a woman who is in her mid 30s and has had 10 partners. All of them were relationships lasting from a few months to a few years. I don’t think that is a high number at all, as she was looking for a relationship that would lead to a permanent partner. She never had a 1 night stand and acts far from being cheap or promiscuous. She is a woman who any man would be proud to call his partner or wife. My wife also had 10 partners, plus her first husband. She had those 10 over 3 years, with 6 being in the first year or so. Some were 1 night stands and many were guys who she had just met at a bar or club. I still think that is a lot and she also believes that she acted promiscuously. The reason that she had to tell me was because she felt bad about how she had acted. She also told me some other things about herself that she was not very proud of on our 3rd date, but she had the hardest time telling me about her 10 partners because she felt guilty and perhaps a little ashamed about it. That is also why my first wife had to tell me about her just one previous partner when she was 19 years old. I believe that both told me the truth, as they did not tell me in bits and pieces. My current wife told me all at one time, once she stopped hinting at it. By the way, my wife also acts far from being cheap or promiscuous and I am also very proud to say that she is my wife. What she did was not in her nature and I have often talked about why she did it when I answer questions, including my first answer below.
I also agree that I would rather have a woman who is very sexual and likes sex, as I am the one who is enjoying the sex that we have now. That is what my wife has been like for the past 29 years that we have been together. She has also never desired sex with anyone else. I would still prefer that she has not slept with men who she had never seen until 2 hours previous and had not had 1 night stands, but I understand why a woman does that. I think that many men, including myself, have been brought up to believe that type of woman is a slut and unworthy of a good man. Some parents just downgrade a woman who has even had 2 sexual partners so much that it is difficult to overcome those feelings. For me, that kind of talk even went on until my mid 20s. They would have probably disowned me if they knew that my first wife had even one partner before me. I was 34 when my mother was sick and my aunt called me at my girlfriend’s house, as she knew her number. She had been calling me at home to tell me about my mother getting worse and I was with my girlfriend that night. When I got on the phone after my girlfriend answered, she asked me what the hell I was doing there all night and why I was with a woman like that. That is the type of family I was brought up in. If anyone thinks that it is easy to overcome teachings like that then they are completely clueless. Actually, they are not even teachings. They are indoctrination. My wife understands, because she saw some of that family behavior. Fortunately, they had no idea what she had done in those 3 years. I could have just been her 2nd sexual partner and because she was sleeping with me she was a slut to them.
My wife has told me at least several times that she would rather have someone like me, even with my faults and my thinking about her past, then she would want to be with someone who doesn’t care at all about her past and also doesn’t give the daily love and affection that I have given her over the years. She also appreciates that I made such an effort to try to overcome those feelings, even though I have not completely 100% succeeded. She is also happy that I did not leave her when she told me and then refused to talk any more about it until just last year. It is cruel to tell a guy and then tell him that he is now supposed to just shut up about it. She realizes that and I also realize why she did it and that the last thing that she wanted to do to me was to hurt me or to be cruel in any way. From reading the many posts about this subject, I get the impression that not a lot of women are as understanding and considerate as my wife is. As a lesson to women who have the desire to tell their partners about their sexual past to help any guilt that they might have, just do it at one time and don’t sound like you are bragging or sound cheap in any way. And don’t expect him to just shut up and never say anything about it. That is not reasonable. If you must tell, then tell him the truth and don’t add more and more as time goes on. If you do this then, as q1605 found out, he will think that he never got the entire story and that you are lying.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Quote from q1605: "Just telling you....and I'm pretty sure you asked because women don't volunteer this."
I'm sorry to disagree with you on this, but my experience with this is totally opposite. My first wife told me before I ever thought of it and before we were even actually dating. My current wife started hintimg about it on our second date and another woman who I dated started to tell me about her previous sexual life in bits and pieces beginning on our second or third date. They all started to tell me before it ever mattered to me at all because I hadn't even begun to fall in love with them at that point. I have never asked a woman about her past partners. Perhaps I would have at some point. I will never know, as they all had a need to tell me before I ever had a chance to find out if I would have gotten cureous. When they told me, I was just happy to have a nice woman to date, and, yes, to sleep with in 2 cases. I also have no idea why I was the first guy who my wife had such a need to tell the first night we slept together.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008): Quote from the anonymous female: "in this day and age NO-BODY IS PERFECT!"
That's right, nobody is perfect. You are and weren't perfect and neither is your boyfriend. You expect him to forget about you being imperfect, but you don't think that he is allowed to be imperfect. My wife and I were both far from perfect, but we realized that the other was so good for us that we needed to help the other person through their problems. Perhaps it would do you well to try to help him with his thinking and it would do him well to work very hard to understand why you did what you did and that it does not make you a bad person. My wife and I have occasionally hurt each other, but we also both helped each other get over our problems, whatever they might be.
Leave hin if you think that is what is best for you. Men and women both have problems with their thinking about some things about the opposite sex. Some men have problems with their partners previous sex life and some women have problems any time their partner so much as looks at another attractive women. Both sexes must work more on accepting the things that their partner has done or does do.
Women sometimes tell their partners about their previous sex lives in a way that seems like they are bragging about it. It is unlikely that is what they are doing, but it seems like that to the man. That is what my wife did to me because she needed to tell me about her previous 10 partners and started to tell me by hints that made her sound cheap. What is a guy supposed to think when a woman tells him like that? Three of the 5 partners that I have had just had to tell me about their sexual pasts. I never acked one of them about it. I didn't think about it until they had to tell me. At least 2 of the 3 did it because they felt guilty about it and had to dump their guilt on me. I should be the one to complain about women who just have to reveal all to me, but I understand why they wanted to do that. I should have complained about them telling me and say that I should leave them because of how they made me feel. I never left any of those women because of that. I understood why they had to tell me about themselves and then had to work to accept their behavior. Don't blame the whole thing on the men. It is not entirely their fault. Don't think that you can dump your guilt on them and then think they should immediately think everything is fine.
I also understand that there are also men who just bug the woman until she tells. That is the man's problem entirely. I never did that to my wife and neither did any of her 10 boyfriends. I was the only one who she just had to tell. She couldn't just confidently do it without sounding like she was bragging. She had to tell me in ever increasing bad sounding hints. If I took the opinion of many of the women on this site, I should have left her for what she did to me in a way that hurt me. I worked very hard to correct my thinking. I suggest that the women involved do something similar.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2008): Yeah you should really stop doing this to her. My boyfriend is currently doing this to me. He constantly has me crying, I'm depressed and he won't allow me to be happy and move forward with my life. I am considering leaving him. I don't deserve to have things that have absolutly nothing to do with him, and that happened long before I met him thrown in my face. WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO ABOUT IT?! What he has proven to me, he will never trust me, he'll never allow me to be happy, he will always judge and ridicule me for something I CANNOT CHANGE! Take a look and realize your insecurity issues. Does she deserve to feel bad about herself because of your insecurity. You guys make women feel useless when you do that to them. Why do you think there was more then one partner? Your going to be number 6 just like my boyfriend. What I tell him, he is going to live a sad lonely life if you can't let other people's past go, in this day and age NO-BODY IS PERFECT!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): You're in the same situation that I was in at your age after my divorce. My girlfriend had been divorced for 3 years and had 10 partners, including 2 or 3 one night stands. She also picked up some of her partners at bars and slept with them that night. Actually, I don't think that behavior after a bad marriage is too unusual. I dated a woman who had just left her husband and I think I was her first after she left him. She felt old when I asked her for a date and was surprised when I told her that I was 1 year older than she was. I never tried to get a woman into bed on the first date, but she was all over me as soon as we got home. She just wanted the affection that she hadn’t gotten in her marriage and she was not about to let me go for the night. Women who are hurting after a bad marriage often use sex to get the affection and love that they crave. That is what that woman and my wife did. If they were lucky they also liked the sex. Actually, if you and I are lucky, they liked the sex with the other guys before us. That is our advantage now, as we are the ones who they are giving their love, affection and sex to. My wife hasn’t stopped giving that to me for 29 years now.
Read my 2 articles to see what I have learned and how to deal with it as best you can.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/some-tips-for-guys-that-are-having-trouble.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-our-cultures-teach-boys-that-women.html
Also read the similar question asked several months ago where Yos and I and others addressed this problem about feelings.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Look at the bright side of this. She has chosen to tell you the truth about herself. That means that you can trust her in the future. That is very important. Her sexual activities have told her what other guys are like. My wife never desired another man or had the least thought of ever leaving me, even when we were having some marriage problems many years ago. She knew that she was not likely to find better because of what she had been with before. I’m not saying that all of her boyfriends were bad, as she did have a couple of guys who were very good to her. However, many of the guys just used her for sex and some were just mutual non-serious flings to have someone to be with until the right person came along. I also had a 1 night stand, a serious partner and a fling, but I had less than half as many partners as she did.
I’m not saying that it will be easy to get over this, as it probably won’t. However, the hard work that you can put into understanding how hurt she must have been after a failed marriage and how it makes a woman feel old and unattractive at a young age of 30 or so will pay off in a relationship with a very loving, faithful, affectionate and sexual woman if you work to make her feel good about herself.
If she is willing to talk about it, so so, but don’t make the mistake of being judgmental and making her feel like a slut. That will only drive her away from you or at least make it more difficult to resolve this problem. She didn’t do what she did because she was cheap, but because she needed something and sex was the avenue for her to get it. It is unfortunate, but that is the only tool that hurting women have to get the affection that they desire after a bad relationship.
You may get answers from men and women who paint you as judgmental and tell you there is something wrong with you. Ignore them, as they are being just as judgmental of you as they accuse you of being. I had the good fortune of meeting 2 women on this forum who spent a great of time to help me through this problem through private messages. They have both become great friends and we talk about many feelings and daily problems since they helped me. There are many women who will try to actually help you and not just criticize you. The ones who just criticize you don’t have any more ability to understand how you feel than you can easily understand how your girlfriend felt during those 2 years.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 Look I'm really sorry, but how many guys do we get on here bleeting away, that their partner has had sex with more men than the guy has women.
So what if she has!! she wasnt doing it when she was with you, she was free and single, as were you. Would it be OK if the roles had been reversed and you had slept with 20 women before you met her. Would she have been expected to leave that in the past. I bet she would have.
You say you know she would never cheat on you, isnt that far more important. You are making her sound like some kind of slapper with no morals. When in fact she is most likely a lovely caring and wonderfull person.
Get over yourself or you will lose her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): Don't let the past ruin your future, you can only live one moment at a time. This very moment is the only thing real, and you are wasting it.
Your girlfriend would have been happy if she met you 5 years ago, but she didn't. In the meantime, she has been looking for you, her true love. Now that she found you, she is completely content with what she has and probably forgot about everything previous to meeting you because she is so happy. Why ruin it for her and you?
This sounds like projection, do you think alot about your past? Do you look foundly back and yearn to re-experience things? Are you afraid she may do the same?
Basically you have a problem, not her. Keep asking yourself why YOU want to live in HER past........you will come up with the answer and then you will be able to stop it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): You just have to realize that she is with YOU! And that means that there must be something about you that she likes! If you constantly doubt yourself then she will start to doubt you!
...............................
A
male
reader, Rhandy  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 were both they same situation like my girl, here past always haunt me but i want to accept that i cannot change the past, for being what she have but rather prepare for the future and make the best for both of us. we both have flaws in life but we need to accept it heartily,
...............................
A
female
reader, Emaz help +, writes (12 August 2008):
 You need to BELIEVE taht it was all in the past and that she is with you now, no one else and that she's changed since then like you have
I know it's easy to say but you need to try to forget about it completely and realise that things like that wont happen again while she's with you
Everyone has different pasts and at the time she probably couldn't see that what she was doing was slightely wrong but everyones different and you need to accept that.
If that thoughgt creeps back into your mind then wash it away by thinking about the last time she said 'i love you'
hope i've helped =]
...............................
|
