A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm going to get strait to the point, I am having severe difficulties overlooking my gf's past sex life. She has told me that she slept with around 20 people, mostly within a couple of years. She has also told me some of the details to great extent: drugs, alcohol, dirty sex, risque sex, etc. When we first got together, none of that mattered, I was just happy to be having such great sex with such a beautiful woman. I never thought I would have fallen in such deep love with her.Over a year later we are living together and sharing our lives together. Now that my emotions for her have really set in, so has my issue with her past relationships. I cant help but feel as though the woman I love, the woman I want to marry and share the rest of my life with, is or at least was a slut. It almost brings me to tears when I think of her like this. I cant control these thoughts, but I so deeply want to rid myself of them.Its such a horrible situation. Whenever we have sex I picture her having sex with many other men. I compare myself to them, and wonder if she is doing the same. Often times I fail to please her, and sometimes end up not capable of even performing because the thoughts are so bad.When we cuddle, I imagine her cuddling with other men and it makes my stomach turn, and makes me want to get away from her. I feel as though she is somehow cheating on me, or has cheated me... Even though she is not and has not cheated.When we watch television together, listen to music together or do anything together that mentions promiscuous sex, group sex, threesomes, friends with benefits, abortions, drugs, or anything like that my mood instantly changes and I become depressed with thoughts of her past. Its like going from night to day...I have never dealt with this before, and I have never thought of myself to be such a jealous and insecure person. In fact, women in my past I know for sure have had much wilder pasts than her, and I never cared... Is it because I love her?I have never felt self conscious about myself, my ability in bed, or my package. But now I feel ugly, I feel small, and I feel incompetent in bed (and it shows). Why do I feel like this? Sometimes after sex I literally turn to tears because I feel so disgusted with myself, or maybe because I feel incapable of pleasing my gf like I would like to because of her past.My gf is a great person and I love her deeply. She is the woman I have always wanted, and now that I am with her and we are in love I have this giant (and I mean really giant) issue with her and myself. I want to move past this, it is literally causing me agony and pain. When I "slip" into this state of mind my body shuts down and my stomach feels as though its twisting into knots, I feel insecure about myself, and I feel as though my gf is a cheap slut. That is horrible, so horrible, I do not want to feel this way about my gf.I know there is no answer to this, as I have been dealing with it and trying to work it out for a long time now with no avail. Perhaps I am just trying to vent on the subject. I cant speak with my gf about this because it hurts her so much, and dents our relationship. I have tried before, but it turns out negative every time and I fear that if I continue to try to discuss this with her she will leave me.This person, the person who is writing this right now, is not me! I am not a jealous insecure person, never have I been. I have had open relationships, relationships with women who works in the adult industry, and who knows what else and have never once felt a bit jealous. What is even more confusing to me is that this is her past, its not even as though it is continuing right now, or that it is somehow affecting her or our relationship (other than the problems I seem to be creating about it).Are there any therapists who use this site that could shed some light on this issue, not just for me but for all the people here who seem to be dealing with this issue. Is there a book or a movie or something that I can watch that helps to overcome this (and not chasing amy I have seen that a couple times already), or any kind of material at all?I cant afford therapy and honestly if I could I am not sure how I would feel about it... Alternatively, if there is some kind of magic pill I could take to cure myself of this I would.Please, any help? I am an emotional roller coaster that will soon go off the rails if I cant find some kind of solace with this issue.
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abortion, cheap, depressed, drugs, friend with benefits, her past, insecure, jealous, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2008): leave her if you can!!! no one overcomes this situation. Some people just don't care...
this is not just insecurity or jealousy, this is how you raised and who you are. If can forgive and go over this if you can forget about yourself and accept everything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): i know how u feel.im going threw something like that to me nd my gf used to go out when we were younger nd she winded up cheating on me but she didnt see it as cheatin nd later on that night she told me i was sick i didnt wanna hear it so i ended it...but thats wht happens whn ur young nd stupid... after that we seen eachother around the neigborhood but we never said anything nd then as time went on i saw less nd less of her untill one day her cousin(my best friend)told me she moved nd i asked him how she was nd he would tell me shes ok .... but come to find out that he would never tell her nd he never told me that we ever ask for eachother ... i didnt see her for 5yrs then like a couple months ago out of the blue i was talking to my friend on the pc nd she said o guess whos on i said who she said her name nd my friend told her i was on nd then my friend asked me if it was ok to give her my sn nd i said ahhhh ..ok why not nd she did nd then she im's me nd were talkin asking eachother how we where nd wht we been up too... nd she comes out of no where nd asks me if i wanna get lunch tomorrow nd im thinking to me self ya why not just to finish catching up on things... ok then the next day we meet up nd i cant beleave my eyes shes as beautiful as i remember her so we hang out alot nd start getting comfortable with eachother nd all them feelings i had when i was younger came flying right back to me....then a couple weeks later i ask her if she would be my gf nd she said yes... so here iam happy as can be hangin out with her happy to be with her nd were just walking around talking about nothing just having a grate time ....nd we just start talking about r past relationships nd i tell her i was with this girls for 2yrs she asked me if i loved her nd i told her no i didnt nd then i aske her about her last bf nd she tells me that they went out for like too months nd i asked her did u love him nd she said no so i was happy about that..... untill she told me that she was with him just because of the sex ... i didnt know wht to say ....ya i was with him just for sex nd i said u didnt like him she said no .... that killed me inside but i brushed that off nd said iight ppl make mistakes then were talking like a couple weeks later nd just out of no where we start talking about relationships again nd she was askin me how mqny ppl i slept with nd i told her 2... nd i told her my x nd one of my friends whn i was younger befor i met u nd she said ok ... then i asked her how about u (reallly didnt wanna know after she told me) she said 7 nd your the 8th... again i didnt know wht to say ...so i asked her were they all x bf's she said no just guys i used to mess with ... (i fu%^&& hate that word mess with) nd i asked her just guys u used to mess with she said ya .. i asked her did u love any of them she said no nd i asked her thn why did u do that she said well at that time i just wanted sex so i did wht alot of guys do to girls fuckum nd leave em ...she told me all there names nd whn really into detail i didnt wanna hear any of it i was sick ...... i didnt know wht to say wht to think .... i love her with all my heart but its hard to cope with..... then another time were on r way down the shore for 3days nd im driving nd she txtind on her phone to her friend nd she says out loud o nothing happen at the park so i look at her nd say babe wht happened at the park she said nothin so i asked her again wht happened at the park babe tell me nd agsin she said nothin so i dropped it then like 2 mins later she told me this story about when she was at some park with some friends nd everything that happen there... well im just gonna say that killed the 3days down the shore for me.... nd everytime i closed my eyes that story ran throug my head nd the more i thoguth about it the madder i got ...... but time when by nd slowly but surly it rolled off my shoulders it took some time nd trust me it was hard......but i got over it..... so just try to relax not think about it because the more u think about it the sicker ur gonna get .. ..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): With all due respect to you Fade878, your reply to this guy who requested help out of nothing but innocence was disgusting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): Dash Yos, I didn't see you down there... Snap, guess we think the same way.... :^)
This is a great starting point.. Please read the link provided, it is very recommended for dealing with this jealous issue that is ruining your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): Here try reading this... this guy was in a similar position to you and he felt the same way. Take notice of the recommended links, they worked well for him and he is begining to tackle his feelings with the help and support of his partner. You are not alone. I don't understand it myself, but you are not the only one who feels the way you do, and yes with a lot of love, and hard work, you and your girlfriend can work together , overcome this and become make your relationship stronger.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/her-elusive-sordid-past-is-making-me-insecure.html
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A
male
reader, Mistyisle  +, writes (9 October 2008):
I know exactly how you feel because I have experienced the same emotions on and off for nearly thirty years; jealousy of my wife's past sexual partners and sickness and disgust at the thought of her having sex with those other men. Our situations are rather different, I was a virgin when we met whereas I estimate from pieced together information and clues that she must have had between 30 and 50 sexual partners in the 4 years before I knew her. You should take comfort in the following points:
1. This is not "your big problem". Male sexual jealousy is an entirely natural emotion and in almost universal amongst mammals as a result of Darwinian evolution. Males are programmed to ensure that they only pass on genes to their offspring and so are ready to attack or kill any other males that try to or have inseminated their female.
2. Probably all men feel this way to some degree whether they care to admit it or not.
3. The timing of these intense feelings will become further apart the longer that you are together although the intensity may remain the same.
For myself, I avoid these feelings by focusing on the present, and trying to remember that these men from the past are nothing to my wife and that she only loves me now and is prepared to devote her life to me and remain faithful and was committed to me enough to bear and rear my children. It is something you have to deal with alone unfortunately. I think that most women completely fail to understand these irrational thoughts and see things in a very pragmatic black and white "well that was the past and I have changed so how could it affect the future" way. That should be true, but our primitive instincts dictate otherwise.
Good luck for you both in the future!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 October 2008):
 This is something that comes up a lot here. I suggest you read this thread, and the links in it too, and post back here if you like. Also search on this site, you'll find lots. Good luck.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/her-elusive-sordid-past-is-making-me-insecure.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Fade878: I think some of the things and judgments you are making towards me is a bit cruel and rude. To say I have no compassion for her, no understanding, no forgiveness, you are making quick assumptions that are not true. Aside from what I have wrote in this post, you know nothing about my relationship with her, and nothing about how I treat her. I am, in so many ways, a great bf to her. I am not mean to her, I do not hit her, I do not belittle her, I do not fight with her, in fact the only single problem we have ever had is my ongoing suffering due to her past.
If you read what I wrote, I said that I would like to find a way to rid my feelings that she is a slut. I do not intentionally want to feel this way, but I do... And, to note, I do not call her a slut to her face, or tell her that she is dirty or damaged. I fight these demons alone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): Sorry mate there is nothing you can do about it except understand where it comes from. It's a natural instinct to be jealous of your gf having sex with other men. You love her and the next step is to reproduce, after all thats really what sex is for isn't it?Now consider the animal kingdom, all animals are jealous of their male rivals you're no different. With the absence of a male rival your discust turns to your gf.All these actions are tied to your need to ensure fatherhood of your own offspring.Hope this helps
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