A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now, and in the last six months he has started smoking weed regularly. I have never liked weed for no other reason that it smells bad and is a waste of time and money in my opinion, but I have friends who do it and I have always accepted it. However, I am having real issues with my boyfriend doing it now and I don't know if I am overreacting or not. As it stands it has not affected our relationship too much. I asked him not to do it around me, which for the most part he has stuck to, although I get invited out with him a lot less now because he will be smoking. So I feel in some ways I am being unfair for hating it. But at the same time I have never imagined a life where weed was a part of it. I am 26 and he is 25 so we have discussed moving in, marriage and children, but I don't see how I can accept weed as a part of that life. I don't want a stoner husband, or to have the kids finding daddy's stash one day when they are playing. This is not the way I imagined it and I'm not sure I can ever get on board with that version of family life. He says he doesn't think it's an issue, that he would never do it in front of our kids if we had them, but he also sees it as part of his life now and says he has no intention of stopping.He thinks I am totally overreacting and because it has not had a direct negative effect on our relationship he doesn't see the problem. Which I guess is mostly true. Am I being unfair? Has anyone been through this before and what were your experiences? I just feel so confused about my own feelings and whether this is something I can ever accept or be ok with. Thanks
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jstar92 +, writes (31 December 2012):
 I also have a bf who smokes weed and I also do not have a major problem with it. Right now, like you, my main concern with his weed addiction is what he will be like if we were to live together, it makes sense that you don't want your house smelling of skunk, getting into the furniture and having all of that tobacco and weed smoke going round the house, affecting young children.
However my bf has been a pot smoker for about 8 years, he started when he was 13, and we both know he's addicted. But like you, it doesn't really affect our relationship, a part from maybe in the bedroom (i find he cannot get as hard when he is really stoned).
If you don't want to be in a house with a pot smoker then that's your decision to make. If you both cannot reach a compromise that you can both live with then you're just going to have to move on, at least, this is the realisation i have made when me and my bf decide to live together and start a family.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I dealt with a few boyfriend who smoked weed, which in both cases led to more drugs as in coke and meth. I drew the line there.
Like you weed never really bothered me, (except for the smell) but I did notice a pattern in those who smoked it. They dropped out of secondary school, no interest in college, trouble holding a job, smoked on a daily basis, and their futures were very bleak. To this day, the biggest job they've had is a sperm donor in which they work dead end jobs to support those children. So they're not anywhere notable in life.
In your case, you didn't sign up to be dating a pothead boyfriend. He was clean when you met him. Like Cindy said, it's not really fair that he's taken on this hobby.
Not to sound like a dictator, but I would put my foot down and tell him you discourage this behavior. Point out that you took him on as he was, no smoking weed, so is this who he really is? Or is this some phase he's going through? Either way, I'd tell him you don't agree with this..if it boils down to him not kicking this habit then you will have to break up with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Hi everyone, I am the original poster. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me it really means a lot. In answer to some of the questions raised, the fact it is illegal is not one of my main concerns, although that might change if we lived together and it was happening inside my house and not just his. I cannot stand cigarettes at all, they were the reason my grandad died and again I don't see the point in them. I think this has a lot to do with the fact I hate his weed use actually, because my boyfriend smokes 'joints' and is therefore smoking tobacco as well. I am scared that he will get addicted to the tobacco and start smoking regular cigarettes too. I know it might seem trivial issue to some, but cigarettes are a real issue for me because when I was about 9 I overheard my aunt saying my grandad was told he would die if he didn't quit. After that every time he smoked I would close my eyes and pray it wouldn't be the time he died (hard for a 9 year old to understand that they didn't mean he would die while he is actually smoking!) So crazy maybe but a deal breaker none the less. And alcohol is something I can tolerate in moderation, but I would be just as unhappy if he got drunk
4/5 times per week as I am about him getting stoned (FYI, he smokes several joints in a row each time he smokes so it is about getting wasted more than one to relax).
It's not that I think weed is the devil either, far from it, but it's never been a part of my life and I actually didn't realise how uncomfortable I was with it until now. At no point when I imagined my future did I ever think I'd need to factor in the fact I might be with someone who would be going to his friends 4 nights a week to get baked. I always pictured my party days taking a back seat when I was ready to settle down and I thought he felt the same based on conversations we have had in the past. That seems to no longer be the case.
To the anonymous poster, by relationship I mean a 2 year exclusive relationship which has become serious enough to discuss marriage, by affected I mean the only negative effects on our relationship so far is he goes out on his own much more now because he wants to get stoned and he promised he wouldn't do it around me, yes he is a year younger than me, and by overreacting I mean I don't know if my strong feelings against this new habit are sensible based on the facts I have given, or whether I am focusing too much on the worst case scenario. I hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): What do you mean by affected and what do you mean by relationship?
Do you mean that him being 25 and you 26 there is a year difference in your relationship?
And when you say overacting, exactly how do you mean?
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 December 2012):
 Has he been under additional stress in recent months? Is he having work issues?
Or is he behaving in ways that he knows will turn you off, yet he does not care if you are turned off by his actions?
Or is he attempting to bring about a situation where you break up with him, because he's been having second thoughts about settling down?
I agree with you in respect to children and other down sides to using this weed.
And it has the most ghastly smell, so even he comes home you can't escape the horrible smell.
When he goes out to buy his weed he is mixing with people who probably say every to encourge him to smoke it. And he is very likely, one day, to meet a dealer who offers him something even stronger. And in a weak moment he may say yes.
The more he smokes weed the more he associates with people who do not share your views. So over time, sadly, he is drawing away from you.
I do not think you are being unfair at all. You have your values, he has his. They are opposed views. So this will become more of a problem if you do settle down and have children.
And I do not think you are over-reacting. If you have a vision of married live that does not include a stoned pot smoking husband and father to your children and he has let you know he is going to continue to get stoned and smoke pot when it suits him then I think he'd be too selfish for any woman who shares your views .
Even legalizing it does not help with how badly it can quickly stink out the house. And you are correct, using the drug is expensive, over time
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I don't think you are overreacting.
In UK, cannabis has being reclassified as a class B drug since 2009. That means, up to 5 years in jail for simple possession, and up to 14 for supplying and dealing.
Now, we can argue for eons if the law is right or wrong ,- but - it's there. I think it's reasonable not wanting to be involved with a guy actively pursuing illegal activities, and not wanting to worry that some day not only the kids will find out daddy's stash, but also will have to bring dad oranges in jail.
Plus, it's the timing that's wrong. If you had met him as a pothead and decided you could deal with it, then fine. But you got a drug free boyfriend , and now you find yourself with a stoner underfoot? No fair. That's not what you had signed up for.
I don't want to make it sound as if I think weed is the devil ( I don't, being a babyboomer :). But the same would apply to a guy for mostly anything, any new habit that he never had, that you strongly dispproved of, that he KNEW you disapproved , and that he had picked up anyway. Say, cigarette smoking, or scratching his balls in public.
His attitude is basically an " in your face, b...h " and I don't know how happy I'd be with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I think that if folks have fundamental beliefs that do not mesh that a relationship will always be strained.
IF you do not like pot smoking and he does well then it won't work will it?
Would it be different for you if pot was legal? Do you feel the same way about cigarettes and alcohol?
I have very mixed feelings about this because I don't think Pot should be illegal. I think that cigarettes and alcohol harm our bodies more than marijuana.
I have discussed this with my doctors and they all agree with me... cardiologists, internists, gastro doctors.... you name it none of them have said "stop smoking pot" but they all say stop smoking tobacco... and limit alcohol....
is the issue that he's non-productive and inappropriate with his use or is the issue that it's illegal.
I don't think that just because some one smokes pot regularly they are a "stoner" as so many folks say.
Folks that smoke regularly are often contributing members of society... home owners, full time employees with good records, responsible tax paying bill paying citizens...
...............................
|
