A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I m in love with my boss, he loves me too. He is 15 years senior to me, is married and has 2 kids. it all started from his side andhe says that he wants to marry me... we are in a relationship for 5 years now, there have been all sorts of problems but he never left me. his wife also knows about this and he has a very disturbed personal life at home. but she also loves him a lot and would never leave him. on the other hand, since my parents don't k.ow anything about this relationship and arranged marriage is a norm here, they are busy finding Me a match.I feel ripped apart many times. what should I do? I can't change this job because it is a very good one....my parents won't allow me to.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Hi,
Baby, Jilly is right on this one. Been here, done it and cried all over the t-shirt, just before losing my job when the boss fired me when he wanted to end the affair.
Take a look in the mirror, you are a pretty, funny, worthwhile human being.
As Greg Behrendt would say "Don't waste the pretty."
The only thing you have to do is tell him Goodbye and walk away with your head held high knowing that you are the one with all the honour.
Lucy
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I don't normally agree with her, but DearJilly has it spot on this time. You need a reality check.
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A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I was a mistress, and I loved him soooooo much, that it actually hurt sometimes, he was attentive, thru text, I had texts morning and night, I thought I was his first thought, and last thought of the day, I ignored the fact he snuggled up to his wife, the same way he did with me, I was totally in love and believed everything he said.
I still check out his pics on facebook every now and then, when I find myself missing him, and In need a kick of reality, which I still do 3 years on, and he is so gorgeous, and still to this day I feel a flutter when I look at him, but in 50% of his pics, is his wife and her best friend, and the reason we finished??, because, he started an affair with that best friend of his wifes.
The truth here is, he is addicted to the excitement, I have no doubt that my ex married man didn't care about me, I know he did, why wouldn't he, I was totally loyal to him, and I went out of my way to show him I was the better option, but he never had any intentions of ever losing his wife and his life. Infact when I started asking questions, he moved on, to someone else.
This is wrong, you know its wrong, unfortunately your culture has arranged marriages, and altho i disagree with this act, it has proved very successful for most. Your obviously not prepared to lose respect of your family, or go against your culture, so you need to find your self respect, and allow a good man into your life, and end this affair.
I know how difficult it is, but its gonna happen anyway, like Jilly said, your only there because you are less complicated, if you were to become his significant other, he would get another mistress. Its the way he is. He will NEVER change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): when this guy tires of you, it is unkikely you will even get a good reference. At the moment he's enjoying the thrill of a younger attractive women to massage his ego. He says the nice things to you, his practised lies, his little white lies, his little twisting of the truth. But when he tires of you he will find fault with you in many different ways, and get irritated by you. Then he'll freeze you out. Finally you will understand that his wife comes FIRST, no matter what he tells you. Every time i hear of a young or in your case older girl foolishly falling for a married man i feel so sad for the girl.
You are just his side dish. He respects his wife so much that she will always be his wife.
And sadly for you - you are also blackening your name.
What mother will want her son to marry you now you?
The community are well aware that you are the paramoir.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Ok so its not an option to change your job so you need to work around that, if you really feel that you have a future with this man then you need to get it sorted, he needs to make a desicion, if he wants to be with you then he needs to leave his wife and start fresh with you, however in many of these situations the mistress is usually the one that gets dumped as many married men like the fun part of an affair they never really think about leaving there wife for the mistress. So you need to be sure that he is prepared to leave his wife, sit down talk to him tell him how you feel, explain to him that you want him for yourself, because you are forgetting here, he is not yours at the moment he is with his wife he has a family and you are just the bit on the side, you need to make sure that he is going to leave his family for you, so ask him.
If he keeps holding off and making excuses then i have a feeling he is never going to do it and you arent going to get what you want, someone is going to end up getting hurt and its more than likely going to be you. Get all of this sorted now if he doesnt leave his wife then you need to be strong and tell him that the affair is over, i realise that 5 years is a long time to have been with someone but he was never yours in the first place, and if he was serious up until now about you then he would have left his wife a long time ago. sit down talk to him and see what he wants to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): When will young females learn, I suspect only when it is too late and they have crumbled under the reality that the MARRIED man they have an affair with, is NEVER going to marry or live with them, or do anything remotely GOOD for them, and MORE importantly nothing whatsoever GOOD for their family but cause daily distress and pain.
This is not love, even though you think it is, it may well be on your side, as you have very little experience of life, but this man is using you, he is infatuated with a younger female, allowing him a fantasy to be lived outside his marriage.
YES he is a cheat, but so are you, sorry, so many men get all the blame placed on their shoulders, and although it is the married persons responsibility to remain faithful, YOU were well aware he had a wife and two children. Five years is a long time to have continued this without HIM leaving his wife IF he loved you, but he doesn't, NOT in the sense that you long for.
Lets turn the tables - You are now married to this man, his children now have to live apart from him, they are very distressed that they don't see their father on a daily basis, and his ex-wife is trying hard to get over the break up. But you have your man, so you think. Along comes a pretty young thing, all fresh and pert, and he starts flirting with her, it escalates and they end up having an affair, subsequently YOU are the one now sitting at home being the wife with a child! How would YOU FEEL?
As this is what you have ASSISTED him in doing, you had a choice to walk away from his attentions, you knew he was married and still went ahead. He is a selfish-self absorbed man who wants his cake and eat it, and of course he will never leave his wife. My sympathies go out to HER as she has to live daily knowing he is seeing someone else, and keep the marital home going. You had no right whatsoever to this man, and went you ahead, in the full knowledge of his situation.
I'm sorry, yes this is direct, as it needs to be, as you need to start seeing this for what it really is, NOT A FAIRY TALE ENDING! Men or women who cheat are people who will always cheat regardless who they're with, they don't change ( they just switch partners, read on on DC by another infidelity posting)
You have to decide if this is the way you want to live your life,knowing you are part of the distress inducing situation for his wife and children?
If it were HIM asking for advice, I would be just as direct, if not more so, but he is not, it is you, and hopefully this may make you really, really think about what you have got yourself into. I only hope you will find the strength to end this at some point, so you can be at least conscience free that may be the family may have a chance, even if a slim one of becoming a proper family again!
Take care.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Outspoken1016 +, writes (22 November 2010):
 If you cannot leave your job at least stop seeing this man! If he really loved you he would never treat you with such disrespect. I am sorry to say sweetheart that is what this is because he will never leave his wife. He is using you to for fill what he does not get at home that is it. Do you really want to live life being someone’s second choice? Give yourself more worth than that my dear. You deserve your own man not another woman’s because he is not your man he said “I Do” to someone else. Wouldn’t you want a man to call your own? To have a man who adores you and gives you all the love and respect you deserve?
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