A
female
age
36-40,
*odelCitizen
writes:Before I start, I'd just like to say that I'm very happy for my sister and this isn't about her in any way. It's about me. So on December 23rd just past, I ended my long term relationship because he just wouldn't commit to me. I'm now a month off 30, and for the last two years (since I first brought it up seriously), every time I tried to bring up the future or marriage/children he'd make a joke, or say maybe in 10 years, or stop worrying we have lots of time. 6 months before we split up I told him I needed him to seriously think about what he wants and he promised he would. I deliberately never mentioned it again for 6 months, but when I broached it in December again (kind of hoping he maybe had a ring for Christmas), he told me he hadn't given it much thought and wished I'd stop going on about it. I was so hurt that he hadn't done the one thing I asked, and we got into a big argument. Long story short, he could only tell me that he saw marriage and children in our future 'one day' but refused to elaborate or make any kind of firm plans. I thought about it for a week or two, and as I said, I ended things on 23rd December - awful timing I know but things were just so tense between us and we were at a complete stalemate so I thought it was for the best. And I still do for the most part, even now he's begging for another chance (still no ring of course but to be honest I don't even think I'd accept now even if he did ask - too much has been said that has changed everything).The thing I'm struggling with though, is that on December 24th just past, my younger sister's boyfriend proposed. I really am delighted for her, but I'm now being asked to do lots of bridesmaids things like going to wedding fairs, helping to pick out dresses and venues and that sort of thing. I'm just finding it a lot being around all of these couples who are newly engaged and happy, when my 6 year relationship has just ended for the exact opposite reason.I know this probably sounds selfish and I should be focusing on my sister and her big day, but I'm sitting here crying looking at wedding favours and feel like if I keep going on like this I might crack up. I've not let on to anyone in my family how I'm feeling and they've not asked either, but I know my sister and if I say I want to take some time away from it for a while I'll be accused of trying to make her feel bad/make it about me.I guess what I'm asking is how can I feel better about this? And is there any way to word it that doesn't come across as me being jealous of my sister, when it's more a case of me mourning my own dreams that have just ended?Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2015): I get where you are coming from, my younger sister has moved out with her boyf and my bestfriend moved out with her partner.I felt like everyone my age and younger!) was moving on execept me. (I have had alot of short relationships and nothing really serious).
I still live with my mum and my boyf seems not to keen to move out with me yet.
I wanted to be like my sister and my friend and envyed them and their seemingly good relationships/homes.
Fast forward friend's boyf has been cheating and she is stuck with the house with him, not really happy and my sister has split up with her partner and has moved back to parents. Telling me she wished they had taken things slower like I have. Suddenly my life doesn't look so bad. I wonder what I was concerned about, I have time and I don't want to make the wrong/rushed descisions.
'All that glitters is not gold' as they say.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): Good things happen to people who have the ability to put aside their own tribulations in an effort to support their loved ones through their own good or bad fortune. Sometimes you have to look outside the tiny little corner that you live in to see the struggles other people go through, often a lot worse than yours. That puts things in a better perspective. I have a friend who was engaged to be married. She had done everything right. Finished college, got into an amazing career, has a great income with lots of upward mobility, bought a condo and fell in love. She had made all the wedding arrangements, had the venue, dresses, invitations, guests were rsvp'd, many were flying from far away distances. Everything was all set. About two months before her wedding, her fiancé informed her that he had gotten another woman pregnant and he'd be marrying her instead. And called off the wedding. He'd been having an affair throughout their entire engagement. She had no idea. Not only did she have to deal with the pain that follows that kind of betrayal but also the humiliation of having to explain to her guests that the wedding was off. The effort of calling off and canceling all the details of the wedding she spent so much time putting together. The flowers, the cake, returning her bridal gown, etc. And having to do all this in a state of feeling utter and hopeless rejection and betrayal. No matter what this woman goes through, though, she is one of the most gracious and outstanding women I know. She kept moving. She kept going to work. She kept being a great friend to all her friends, even through their weddings. And a great daughter and a great sibling. She would still hang and was fun and cheery as always. I never once heard this girl complain or show envy at other's good fortune or brood because of what happened to her. She is one of these people that people don't just like, they love. And of course, because she is so awesome, about two years later she started dating an even better guy and they DID marry and are super happy. I guess I am using her as an example for you to see that some people have it way worse than you. And even so are able to put their own personal pain aside in order to support and be a good friend to the people they love. Considering what happened to her, you really don't have it so bad. You need to stop feeling bad. If this guy didn't want to marry you then he wasn't so great after all. At least he didn't propose and then dump you a few months before the wedding, right? Consider yourself lucky. The universe probably has something better for you, anyway. It is important for you to be strong and be there for your sister and your friends without feeling gypped. That's negative and it will work against you. The world works in mysterious ways. This may be a blessing in disguise. There is something better for you. But you are not going to see it if you live in the past feeling bitter of what you didn't get last year. So close that chapter, you are on a clean slate now. And put away those feelings and go enjoy this exciting time with your sister. You have nothing to feel bitter or sad about because you'll get your turn too. When the time is right.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (8 February 2015):
 Honestly, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and, as long as you don't mope when you're around your sister, I don't think anyone else will either.
I think that, as soon as you see just how happy your sister is when it gets closer to the wedding (or finding the right dress, venue, etc.), you'll realise how much you want THAT happiness with someone who wants it just as much as you because you both love each other.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2015):
 I totally get how you feel, and if your family doesn't get it too then they are morons. Doesn't take much empathy or intelligence to see why this is hard for you. But either way, if they get it or not, I think I have the solution for you to deal with this.
CELEBRATE the fact that you are now SINGLE and ready to meet mr. Right!!! Before you were locked down and unavailable, and in the wrong relationship. The worst is over, you broke up! You are already over the hard part, and it is now time to look ahead to the bright future. Because it can only go upwards from here on. You're free and available to meet the right person for you, who wants the same things! Celebrate this!
I think, if you turn it around a bit, you can see planning your sisters wedding as something positive. You get a close look at how it is done, so that when you plan YOUR wedding, you can avoid the mistakes she does, and you will have already checked out venues and dresses and get a good idea about what YOU want, when it is your turn. Because NOW is the time when you are finally free and able to meet the man you will marry. Before, when you were in a relationship, you were with the wrong guy, and THAT is actually the time you should have mourned. Because he killed your dreams every day when he joked about them, or didn't talk about it seriously, or said "one day". But now you are rid of that crap!
I say celebrate. You have so much to be joyful for now. This mourning of yours is delayed, you should have mourned during those 6 years with your ex, but you postponed it because you had your hopes up. So it is a delayed mourning that you have to go through, because you tried to be patient and you pushed your disappointment to the bottom of your heart. And now it surfaces. So you will mourn, naturally. But now is the time for you to celebrate, because now is the time when you can actually be hopeful, without just pulling the wool over your own eyes. Now you actually have the opportunity to meet the man you will marry. Celebrate this!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): The best way to deal with how you're feeling is admit it to yourself. You're jealous of your sister. She's doing what you should and would be doing. If you just confess that to yourself, you'll get past part of it. You'd like to smoosch her glowing smirky face into a wedding cake! It's okay, dear! I've said it for you! It doesn't mean you don't love her!
New brides tend to rub it in. She is showing-off and wallowing in all the attention; so your feelings are shared by every other unmarried bridesmaid, and single-female she knows. Especially the single-females whose long-time boo has not yet proposed; or doesn't seem even remotely aware of the idea.
You can't really set a time, date, and place that you fall in-love, get engaged, get married, and have children. You can only plan. You make yourself miserable trying to stay within the set time-frame when that should happen; because it happens when it happens. You can rush it, and end-up married to the wrong guy; and not realize you hate marriage two kids and a pile of debt into it.
Unlike us guys, women make themselves crazy on the idea; "I should be married with kids by now!" Those who are, are thinking; "I could have had a career...I should have waited...he's a nightmare, I have to have sex with the same guy, and his willy is so small! I miss having to cook only for myself! He never listens to me, I might as well be alone! When was the last time I had time to get my hair and nails done? Jimmy! Please get down off the glass coffee table and let go of the cat's tail!!!"
Marriage is a huge commitment. It will most likely work when two people decide on doing it willingly, confidently, and about the same time. Marriage should not be a goal to be achieved. It should be the result of a bond so strong between two people who have found each other; that they are willing to work at keeping it together until the end of their days. You don't have to be married to have babies, and racing the clock is not a reason to rush to the alter to make vows you will break; or take back two to five years into matrimony. People are too excited about "weddings," and confuse that with what marriage is about. It's the part that comes after the gowns, flowers, and fancy reception.
That's when the reality sets in. Marriages are different from the outside looking in. It's two people constantly at work, but fueled by their love to keep it running. They can't just walkaway when they get fed-up with each other; or decide their spouse is an insufferable ass-hat. You lose half of what you own, if you must part; because it didn't work out. Not like when he was your boyfriend; and all he had a right to leave with, was the clothes on his back and a duffel-bag. You can't just go stay with a friend for two weeks after a fight. Kids cost a lot of money. So you may have to sacrifice romantic holiday vacations for their needs, and your body could lose its prettier shape after having a couple of them.
You are in a good place to choose who you want to be with.
You are now in the position you can take your time to evaluate the person you're forming a relationship with; to establish and confirm that your feelings are on the same page. To use some logic to make sure that eagerness to get married doesn't make you dispose of someone good for you; who just didn't decide to propose within your prescribed timetable or on-schedule. The firm-establishment of love should be the factor when it all should, and will, happen. There are a lot of young mothers out there who beat the clock, got married before 30, and they are absolutely miserable with the fact they married the first guy who asked. They can't and won't admit it; but they would have put-off having kids, if they knew they needed more time to mature and mentally prepare for the challenge. They thought having kids earlier made a difference, only to realize they could have been in their 30's; and it might have made a difference for them mentally. They also come to the realization that although they have been together a very long-time, he really isn't the one. That's when it's too late to decide you've jumped the gun!
Then there is pressuring your partner to marry before they were really mentally-prepared for that step. They will harbor a hidden resentment, and eventually that resentment will build into anger. They will become cold, distant, and in-affectionate. You may even get to a point that you don't really sense much chemistry for that person; because "getting married" was more urgent and exciting, than "being married."
Your special day will come. A wedding is only a ceremony. Marriage is work, a life-long commitment, and has a lot of boundaries and restrictions that you take vows to keep.
Everyone who wants to be a parent isn't cut-out for it.
You don't really know until you become one. So, be happy for your sister and check on her a year from now. Will she be the same blushing bride you had to force yourself to be happy for, or will she be the one you wouldn't want to trade places with?
Be happy for her. You can also be happy for yourself that you made a decision, and you're willing (and strong enough) to pull-out of a relationship you knew had no promise of what you were expecting from it. Instead, you are willing to start from scratch. I do suggest that you make the most of the time you have being single. The more you get out of the way, the better your success at choosing the right mate, establishing the right foundation for a marriage, and letting "love" not "time," set your goals for your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tula  +, writes (8 February 2015):
Bad things, terrible things happen to the best of people. Your situation is not easy at the moment, given that you're surrounded by married couples, the engaged and the wedding prep. I don't see why you should express your sorrow, or feeling low at the moment for your family and friends, IT IS YOUR NATURAL RIGHT. That's what family and friends are for, right? This is a dull chapter, however, I hope a very short one at that, in your life. We all break up and for the right reasons. You need time to process it all, do not go too much out of your way to help, if you feel you can't do it, just say so...that way, people will hear you ...that way you will avoid cracking up under all the pressure and your recent loss. Try to look at the bright side, the energy , the love and one day, not too far from today maybe you'll be next, smile, you never know who you might meet at their wedding? Remember, it takes time, but if you're silent about it then no one will notice, do let them know how you feel, they should understand. much peace
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