A
female
age
51-59,
*glantine
writes:I had what can be called an emotional affair with a married man for two years... very strong feelings on my side, (sexual) flirting from his side and even some love confessions (feelings). I guess we were both obsessed with each other. We see occasionally, because we belong to the same group and there is no way to avoid it.Some months ago I finally found strength to move on and I met a man online, we started dating. He has been very nice to me and has taken care of me, and slowly my feelings for the married guy started to disappear to the point I thought I was nearly immune to him. I cannot say that I love my new boyfriend (we see nearly every day), although he calls me "my love", but I was developing slowly feelings for him. Not this crazy being-in-love feeling I had for the married guy, but something more real and solid. Me and my new boyfriend have also a very good chemistry. Unfortunately he is also someone has has been very hurt by women in the past and mistrusting and has low self-esteem...Some days ago I saw the married guy (we hadnt seen each other for several months) at an event and all my feelings for him came rushing back. I really didnt expect that. He flirted with me and I realised that if he has proposed me a kiss or a night together, I had agreed because I still love him. I really didnt expect it to be so strong. I know that nothing will ever come of it, but I have still strong feelings for him, that s it.Now things with my boyfriend are a mess... he started to suspect something, because he knew that I saw that other guy on that event, and I never hid it. I confessed that I realised that I still had feelings for the other one. My boyfriend cried all night and felt very hurt. I really dont know what to do... I have feelings for my boyfriend, but they are not so strong as for the married crush - who unfortunately will be in my life because we will see each other unevitably in the future.I really dont know what to do... I have to add that I told my new boyfriend when we started dating all about this married man and that I was not sure if I could offer him anything else than friendship. He still took the risk and now everything is a mess:( Should I take a break him? I told him that I would like to continue seeing him (he wants the same), but I cant promise anything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): Yeah you probably should take time to yourself. You have a lot of things to sort out in your head regarding this married guy. For some reason, even though he is unattainable, so you have never had and will never have a REAL relationship with him, you still crave him immensely.
What you are feeling is not real love. Real love requires availability, physical interaction, physical closeness. Real love entails so many things that you've never experienced with this married guy. This isn't love, it's more like fanaticism. The majority of your "relationship" with him consists of pure fantasy. It's all taken place in your head.
Maybe you should talk with a therapist who could help you dissect and sort out these unproductive feelings you have for this married man.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): When starting a new commitment, or even just dating; you never "verbalize" or "actualize" your active romantic-feelings for another person. Commitment means you have given-up others for the one. You don't insult a person by telling them you're just using them while you'd prefer to be with somebody else.
Speak as little of past relationships as possible.
In fact, you don't use another man as your substitute or place-holder until the other guy comes back. That's basically what you did. Just because you confessed your feelings about a married-man, and told him it wouldn't be much more than friendship; you had no right to lead him on. You knew he was attracted to you. When people "date;" we are searching for romance, not just "friends." You don't predict on the onset what the outcome will be. That is to be determined.
There are certain things about old relationships that we should keep to ourselves. It was a mistake to tell your new boyfriend that you had feelings for someone else; as if you were letting him know he was just getting a limited dose of your attention. That was quite arrogant and selfish on your part. You're not doing him any favors. It wasn't wrong to tell him you had an affair, it was wrong to tell him your feelings for the other person were still open and active. As if to say: "don't get too comfortable, I could drop you at a moment's notice for the other guy." Be that the case, don't date anyone. Sit and wait for the married-man. As usual. That married-man is ruining your love-life. He isn't giving-up anything for you.
You've reaffirmed in your own mind, this new guy is just a temporary-fix. So he was never going to get a fair chance.
You also set a boundary that you knew he wasn't going to pay any attention to. Why waste his time?
Would you like to be told something like that? "There's this other woman I like and prefer, but you'll do for now!!!" If you're unavailable, you shouldn't be dating.
You didn't realize you still have feelings for the married guy? Come on! You always did. Like most people in affairs, you sit and wait until your lover finds time for you. His time with you was getting scarce; so you needed a temp to fill-in for him. You are truly in denial about that!
He was always fresh in your mind, just out of sight. By his own choosing I might add, not yours. He has a wife to keep him occupied. So you were pretty much used to waiting for him. Dating was supposed to be your way to freedom; but you told the guy not to get his hopes up. What's up with that?!!
Yes, you are correct. It is best to take a break and sort out your feelings. Not place the burdensome task on the new guy to work to change or transfer your feelings from the married-guy to himself. You have no right to expect that of anyone. Let him go. He's a grown-man; just because he has been hurt by women before, doesn't mean he's frail and breakable. He has survived it. He'll manage to get-over it, if you don't really feel anything for him. Don't pretend. He wants your heart and commitment, not your pity.
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