A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem and I need advice. I am going through a divorce and I have custody of my very young children. My wife is severly mentally ill and her mental condition has really collasped over this past year severly bad. She abused the kids so I got them out of the situation and the courts have thus far ruled in my favor. My problem is that our marriage has never been the best. It has always been rocky but the one thing we always had was love. Sounds corney I know, but we loved each other which such passion and such intensity. Before I left with the kids she had told me that she did not love me nor was in love with me anymore. I told her that I was not going to let her go without a fight. She would stay up late and talk to former boyfriends and other guys from the internet. I longed so much for her attention. I would even text her just to come into the other room because that was the only way to get her attention. Again I know she is severly ill but still, God was giving me this uncontrollable passion and love for her. So anyways, she keeps lieing and putting me through hell. She tries to say I abuse her and my children but yet I am still in love with this woman. Why can't I move on? Why does my heart long for my wife of a year ago that was so different? Why can't I see that she is not that person anymore? Why do I long to make love to her one last time? Why do I long to get one last smile, kiss, and embrace? Why does the heart strings tear and rip into pieces at every thought of her? Why can no one understand that just because she abused me and the children that I still have this love for her? Why can't I understand it? I know that the Lord says what He puts together let no man seperate but why does it hurt so much when I am doing the right thing?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (14 April 2010):
 if she abuses the kids then you are an idiot to want her. It makes me question your ability to be a parent.Do you want to be a man, a father, and a parent?Or do you want to be an evil woman's bitch?Choose, but don't make you children suffer because of your stupid mistakes.
A
female
reader, Risingfromashes +, writes (22 January 2010):
God bless you. I'm sorry for what you are going through, I would say stay because I can relate and pray evey day that my marriage will work even though the divorce papers have been signed. I don't know what the answer is but I hope it's out there. I can't help but be afraid of not knowing why these things are still happening as we turn to god. But take care please, I respect your loyalty and strength for sticking by her, but you have to decide at what cost I guess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): Remember that first and foremost you are a parent to children who need you to be their protector and defender. Sacrifice is hard, but you need to do everything for them. They have a very little time
to have a good childhood and become productive adults.
Focus on them, and the fact that their mother could ruin their lives forever and set them in therapy for life.
As for your pain, time heals all wounds. Focus on the little ones, and she will fade. I know that seems impossible, but time and time again people go through heartbreak and pain, and they always think they will never recover, but they always bounce back stronger than ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): Oh my!!! I feel your pain when you want to be with someone so much that each day hurts.
I hope youe ex is getting all the help and support she needs for a better life for her.
I myself have been apart from my ex for over 3 years and my love for him is still very strong and I have moved on as far as I can go but not a day goes by where I don"t speak to him so really life or should i say love is nuts and can be a very difficult emotion as its hard to stop your heart feeling what it feels.
You need concentrate on yourself and your children for now and make your life as beautiful as you can and let your wife sort herself out and hopefully make herself well again and then one day i"m sure she will realise where she went wrong and you will talk.
Divorce in my eyes has always been a swear to me and I never thought i"d go that road but I did and its hard but time is a great healer and it does get easier slowly for some but I know all off us out there who love our ex"s will eventually moved on fully and let go.
Take care and remember that you are doing right for your kids and thats a precious quality to have,so stop beating yourself up,go with the flow and see what the future brings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): I went through it too.Very common problem.Join the club.
I hear you red green.My ex had multiple affairs.I got the kids.My kids never went over her house for visitation as she was off with her bfs and didn't care.I remember the same, coming home wondering if she was going to be Dr Jeckyll or Hyde.She went from sweet loving wife to nasty foul mouthed biker chick.Tattoos,harley and all.
I still love the memory of my sweet wife now ex, but the multiple affairs, tattoos, diseases keeps me a safe distance.
This is not the same women you fell in love with.THAT PERSON NO LONGER EXISTS .
Be thankful that she is not able to drag you into debt any longer.
The funny thing my ex blew her half of money 100g in about a year and then went into debt.I saved an additional 100g besides since.I Thank God you and I are not still married to crazys. The feelings will hurt as long as you allow them to.
The problem now is I'm concerned if the next one will go bad too.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (27 December 2009):
WOW, I'm moved by how many people have been down this path- I have too, and frankly reading the messages have really touched me. I was married to my college gf, and the first 2 to 3 years were pretty good. She started suffering from Bi-polar disorder around the 6th year, and it go progressively worse until she was living in what I have to describe as an alternate reality. She became obsessed with claw hammers, to the point where I was in fear of my life, esp. when she found out how much insurance my company had on me (I was a VP- the only VP). Most days I had to wait till she got home to see which personality (sad/mad, happy, neutral) she was that evening. It sucked...
She went through 15 jobs in 9 years, but had two that lasted 5 years total. She committed bank fraud, forged bank documents, took out fraudulent loans... multiple hidden credit cards. She worked herself into a bizarre state of believing that we had massive amounts of money (we were deeply in debt due to her- I was making GOOD money, but she was spending it 3x as fast...)
I found out that she was sleeping with her manicurist, and a friend from a prior job (and his wife...), as well as a guy she'd met through another job(who she later married). She was convinced I was cheating on her (I was not) and I came home one Monday to find all her stuff moved out of our house. She filed for divorce when I cut off the credit cards and took 50% of the cash out of the bank.
The divorce took 18 months due to her continued downward spiral. She was a mess, and was making all kinds of wild accusations, mostly financial. I had to press forward on the divorce because of the laws concerning my liability for debts that she was running up while we were still married. In the end I got everything- as I could refute all of her crazy claims. Her attorney was so sick of her that they were actually telling me how sorry they were for me...
Here's the part you might relate to...
Through all this I was gutted, and in love with her. I had spent so many years working as hard as I could to make the marriage work and love her that I was hopelessly co-dependent. It took working with 2 therapists to realize that she was toxic. Initially, I went to the therapist that was handling her bi-polar issues and she was able to work with me to a point where I could realize that my ex was not at all a person that could have a relationship or cared about other humans. She recommended another therapist who I worked with for many months to get over the anger and pain.
As the first year ended, and I started to live life with out her, I was able to feel life again. I realized that I had given up 90%+ of myself, my emotions, and my soul to stay in the relationship. I had not laughed in years (the first time I did laugh I was surprised... surprised that I noticed and that it felt good!)
Today I've celebrated 9 years of marriage to a wonderful woman who knows enough of my first marriage to understand. I can still get triggered by certain events, but I've had to learn to share with her when that happens and we talk about it.
Life is MUCH better now... I've not seen my ex since the day the divorce was final, but she's married, had a child (which does concern me) and reportedly is under Dr's supervision. I feel for her husband as she met him while she was still untreated and I suspect that she spun him quite a tale to catch him...
My opinion, get some good counseling and work through the emotions- being married to a bi-polar person is hard and traumatic- you need someone who can help you work through the emotional damage- it is reversible!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): trust in the lord pray and fast ask the lord to show you the road to follow he will show you beleive me i know,pray take your children to church and wait on the lord to give you the strength and to take care of your ex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): I diagree with wise aunt as she has clearly not walked in ouur shoes. It is not being in sexually attracted with an abuser, but being in love with the person we fell in love that was stable at the time. He probably did not see it and this women probably is a good person. For instance, people with bi polar can be very abusive and the kindest person in the world when they are stable. I have lived this and know it far to well. I agree the person should get help but often people suffering from severe mental illness do not think they need help. This is very common. I feel I lost my life after my divorce as I always cherished my family so much! I need a support group~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): Brooklygirl.
My heart goes out to you too. Our stories are so similar. Have you been able to find someone and fall in love again? HOw do you know that the person can never be the same again? What if they got on the right medication. How did you cope with his death? I am sorry for you too
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (27 December 2009):
 This is a sad situation. I agree with the previous answerer that you should consider moving on. We nly have one life. If your wife wanted help she would have sought it by now. You did not say what her illness is, but she needs to want to control it and deal with it - not make everyone around her depressed and miserable.
You need a partner and your kids need a mother. She will always be their mother but you need to consider your needs as well. Move on - your marriage is over - dont rush into anything but stop wishing for change that is clearly not going to happen. Find happinest for you and your children and you will just take it slowly. Get out with friends, get involved in a hobby or voluntary work. Try to get your mind of your ex.
You may want to consider counselling as I feel you have a problem with rejection and this may stem from something in your past.
Keep us posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): YOur posting brought me to tears. I had the exact same situation happen. My husband and I loved eachother with passion. We had a beautiful daugther. Within years of marrying he went into manic episodes. I did not know what bi polar was. In the 8th year of our marriage his episode was so severe and scary I saw everything in our world fall apart in an instant, his job, our family, his health. I did everything to help him with this illness, dragged him to the doctors , tried to get him to take medicine and all I heard from he and his family was I was the reason for his bi polar. Please bear in mind when he was in an episode he would hallucinate, hear voices get abusive verbally towards me and become paranoid. He once landed in a mental hospital but got off the meds a few weeks when he returned home. Finally I filed for divorce because I was supporting the family and so stressed and worn out. 5 1/2 years have gone since our seperation and I still cry at night, dream us getting back together and miss him. I know the man that verbally abused me was not who he was. He was so kind, warm , honest, smart . I feel so sad. I guess I am trying to say I really understand your pain and confusion. It is a really hard thing to divorce someone you love. If he came back to me today and gave me a plan for staying on meds I would probably take him back. But he hates me! Everyone has said it gets better but it has been a long journey of hell for me. I hope I did not make you feel worse. I am trying to say I am walking in your shoes. I am sorry
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A
male
reader, ChickenLee  +, writes (27 December 2009):
If i may ask, what form of abuse did the 'wife' do to your children.
If the common one 'Beating', then NO! that is ridiculous to walk back into a mentally unstable relationship.
Think of how your children might of felt aswell.
But personally if you DO choose to try as hard as you can to get back, make sure your 'wife' has had treatment for her mentality unstable condition!
-
Lee Chicken,
UNITED KINGDOM
(UK)
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (27 December 2009):
 Oh man! My heart goes out to you! I understand! I have lived it too! For years I stayed with my abusive husband. He was mentally ill also. I raised his son as well. He also abused his son.
We try so hard to recapture what was once there. We believe we can make it all better....but we can't!
As you know, you did exactly the right thing. But that doesn't make it hurt any less, does it?
I know it sounds like a cliche, but time will heal the pain. It will, I promise!
My ex died two years ago...I still look at his pictures and feel the butterflies I felt when we first met....we were married for 16 years when I finally fled for my life! He died of acute methamphetamine intoxication. Drug addiction quite often goes hand and hand with mental illness.
You are doing the unselfish, courageous and best thing for your children and yourself.
you know she will never be who she used to be...you can never get that back. I'm sorry but I am speaking from experience.
It's time to move on. Make a healthy, happy life for your family.
You will meet someone who will be right to raise your children and love them as you do!
Be Strong!
I wish you all the best!
Please don't look back!
xxbgxx
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A
female
reader, wise aunt +, writes (27 December 2009):
What you are talking about is NOT love, it is a sexual desire. Being attracted to someone who openly rejects and disrespects you is a function of your codependency, not love.
The best thing that you can do is to put ALL of your energy into raising your children. They only have one chance at childhood. This is the time when their personalities, ideals and behaviors are formed. Do you want them to be attracted to someone that abuses them? No loving parent would.
Separate yourself from this woman and learn to respect yourself so that your children will grow up to!
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