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male
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anonymous
writes: Last night, i had an argument with my fiancee over money issues about our new house that we are moving in to in 2 months time.She said she was afraid I was turning into this person who always thinks and worries about what Im paying for the whole time with money. While we agreed that we would go halves on evrything in our home, yesterday I bought some new furniture that she said she would go half with me, but I said she could pay me anytime next week, no hurry. She freaked and wanted to breakup there and then. She thought I was not trusting her and she felt tension around me where paying for things on a date, our house or anything was concerned as I always paid for small things like eating out, cinema or misc items I would buy.I know it was a stupid thing to say and we talked, I said I was sorry, but what is right from wrong here about a man and a woman in a relationship where paying for things is concerned? Im talking about a date, cinema, going for dinner, going shopping etc. We're both mid 30's with good jobs and both have good money, but its like only when we might stay away somewhere, she will pay half price on the room and ill buy her dinner.Everything else I pay for. I know its good to treat a woman at times like taking her out for dinner and buying her something nice now and then, I already do this, but I never see her doing something like this for me once in a while.Is she being selfish and greedy with me and is she just using me or does this seem the right way of doing things in a relationship?After our argument she is now not speaking to me and giving me the silent treatment, so what should I do?We have talked and she thinks I should loosen up about money and paying for things while she doesn't.Dont know what to do now, have I lost her for good? We had a real solid relationship and loved each other very much and I feel so stupid for asking about the other half of money for furniture.Please. I need some good advice and tips on this situation, and what I should do in the future whether we get together again or not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): there are 2 issues here. one - the finance differences of opinions, and second, the use of silent treatment. That's controlling. From what I see , the lack of ability to compromise/discuss like adults--- and then the silent treatment to "force" you to , or attempt to force you, as in control you- is the second biggest alarm you should heed.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (24 October 2006):
 This is one of many tests you will encounter in a relationship. Money is a proxy for the core values within a person. You and your fiancee have just discovered a discrepancy in one or more core values, which essentially puts the lie to your claim that you had a "solid relationship".
It doesn't matter the financial situations either of you have - what matters is the overall perspective on the relationship. And there is a complete disconnect between the two of you on this issue.
It's better for both of you that you discovered this disconnect before you got married. Money notwithstanding, it's time for both of you to determine if you both are willing to work hard and pull your weight in maintaining this relationship. And again, money is not the true measure of this input but can only serve as a proxy.
For what it's worth, my wife and I keep our finances separate. We rarely have fights about finances but that is mostly because we don't feel that there is an imbalance in maintaining relationship. I know that if we do fight about finances it always is a proxy for some other core value or worry.
I hope this helps - good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 October 2006):
 When are you getting married, that's when it becomes OUR money?! Until then just relax as long as you are sure that you're going through with the marriage. People who just live together do have to keep track of the fiances so both parties pay equally but a husband and wife are totally joined emotionally as well as financially.
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (23 October 2006):
Different attitudes to money can put a real strain on a relationship, especially if one expects the other to continally pay more. I read somewhere that it's one of the main causes of arguments. I hate to say this but I think you should stick to your guns. I don't personally share her viewpoint at all - different if she wasn't working or had reduced hours because of children. You shouldn't continually be contributing more than she is. You love her but she's got a bit too much love for your wallet ..
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