A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was married for 6 years to a jerk and I am in the process of getting divorced. I was having some sex problems with my husband since we got married. he wanted sex all the time and I can't. he was sexually abusing me. I am indian so I didn't think about getting divorce because i knew that my parents won't allow. so I was just dealing with my husband and killing my feelings of not having sex. after 2 yrs of marriage I met a friend on internet then we met personally but he didn't know that I am married. we were going out having dinner and all that. he was so nice and i liked him very much. little by little I though I was falling in love with him because whenever I compare him and my husband I always think my friend is much better then my husband. so i decided to tell him everything about my marriage and problems that I am having in my married life. I told him everything and he said he was in love with me too but he said we can't do anything now. because he said I wont be able to tell all that sexual abusing thing to my parents even if I do, still they wont allow for divorce, so he said forget about everything and stay with husband and try to change him. he said we can still be friends and I can share everything and any problem that i have he said he will guide me through. I did not wanted to do that I wanted divorce but friend said that's not good so listened to him. but whenever my husband abuses me or fight with I go to my friends house and he comforts me, he understands me and my feelings. and that time we got really close and I ended up having sex with him couple of times. after a month I found out I am pregnant. since then I never had sex with my friend and he never forced me either. and even when I was 8 month pregnant my husband was abusing me, I didnt told this to my friend. I delivered a baby I thought my husband would change now but he didn't even it gotten worse. and my friend I did have contact with him but not meeting just phone calls or chating so he thought everything is going well in my life so he didn't wanted to bother me much. but one day mistakenly I cried in front on him, so he insisted me so I had to tell everything that my husband is still the same. so then he said take the divorce and he will support me for everything (my college, my baby and all financial support). so I took step and told everything to my parents but they are not allowing me for divorce. they says they will talk to my husband and try to convince him and give him one chance. they said won't support me and wont talk to me if I take divorce.but now I am at this point that I can't live with my husband, I have no feelings, no love for my husband. whenever he abused me I felt like I was getting raped. I am stucked here in my divorce process but I am sure by hook or crook I will get divorce asap, may be it will take few months or a year. on the other side I asked my friend why he wants to support me that much and he said he loves me and cant see me in pain and suffer. and also his parents are looking girl for his marriage so I asked what if your wife would have problem after marriage if you support me. and he said he wont marry untill I get financially strong and independent. then I said marry me . he said he cant marry me cause his parents wont agree this (i am divorcee, have 1 child off course from my friend but when I had his child I was married to somebody else and we are indians). i am sure he is not dating anyone but have seen many marriage proposals through his parents. i really love him and tried to convince him that at least try to tell your parents and see what they says but he is refusing. he said if he tell his parents then they wont even allow him to talk to me. so he thinks better we stay like friends at least we can talk and share each others problem. i told him to break up but he is not agreeing for break up, says he wants to be my friend always. i tried to tell him that i cant be just his friend anymore, if he gets married I wont talk to him. he said he at least wants to meet my child because he loves my child so much and my child love him too. I refused to meet and he cried and that was the first time I have seen him crying or else he is very strong, he can hide and control his feelings very well but that time he couldn't. he loves my child so much and I know that if he marry me he will be a good husband and good father too. i wanted this relationship to work and i really love him and I know he loves me too, its just he doesnt want me to get hurt that's why he is not marrying me. he is afraid that if we marry without his parents permission first they wont accept us and even after sometime if they will then they will accept only him and his parent will curse me every time she see me and my friend won't be able to hear bad words for me. and he also said his mother will cry all the time if he do that and he cant see that either. I dont know what to do know. can anybody advice me that what should I do and what should be my next step regarding divorce and marrying my friend.
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell My friend is not ready to elope and he love his parents too so he dont want to leave them alone. and he says if we get married without their permission then after some years they will accept him but not me in any chance and these all has been done in past(10 years ago) in his family and his parents are still not accepting them. so my friend says there is no chance for us because he knows his parents how they are.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I am probably sounding very naive and ignorant of your culture, but....is there any way you can divorce and then you and your friend elope? as in, run away together maybe to a western country and be far away from both your sets of parents.
I know your parents won't talk to you, but maybe in a few years' time they will eventually calm down enough to be willing to reconcile and forgive you?
In other words as far as your parents are concerned, if you ask for their permission and support now then for sure it will never come. But if you disobey them and divorce and marry your friend, initially they will disown you but maybe after a few years things will change and you can ask their forgiveness in maybe 5, 10 years time? this goes for your friend's parents as well as yours.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo wornoutmommy, Thanks for your opinion that was very helpful. and whatever you said about my relationship and indian culture was perfectly right. girls are given away like dowry in indian culture and that's how I was given and never received any respect from my husband. I do love my friend so much but I dont think I can hurt him or force him to get married because I do respect his feeling. but my only concern is atleast he should talk to his parent about me and if they refuse me I will accept without any problem. But he is afraid that if he will then we won't be able to see each other ever again in life.
And about my child I don't think I can tell everybody that this is my friend's child and not my husbands because by doing that my friend will get in trouble as he wants to get married to another girl. and what I think is if my friend is not marrying me and our parents will be against then I don't think I should get divorce because I am worried about my child. In future, I will be working overtime for finance and my child will be struggling without mom and off course without dad. as my family wont talk to me so my child will raise without family. I know that If I wont take divorce then I won't be happy but I can sacrifice everything for my child.
My friend knows that this child is his that's why he said he will support me financially. but what I think is after his mrg his wife wont allow and if he gets married I wont be able to see him with somebody else and afterward I dont to ruin his married life. so I told him that if he wants to marry somebody else I dont have any problem but then I dont think I can keep in touch with him. I said "if you want to marry some other girl then do it by your heart because itf you love me and think about me all the time and live with somebody else, then you will be hurting your wife too." and he didn't response anything. he said he still want to talk to me just as a friend and he doesn't want to loose good friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (17 January 2011):
 One thing I just thought of is the custody and child support for your child. If you (or your friend) still want financial support, and if you do not want your ex-husband in your life ever again- then fess up to the affair. Within the divorce paper work you can admit that the child is not your husband's and request a DNA test. Bring this topic up with your friend and ask if he wants to be tested to be the father, if he is found to be the father it will be another whole process for child support and custody (all of which his family really doesn't need to know about) and then when he makes child support payments he will be financially helping you out but his 'future' spouse does not need to know about it. The payments are automatically deducted from his paychecks. If you do not go through this process you will be spending the next 18 years sharing custody to your ex-husband, making him believe that it is really his child. Which isn't really fair to your ex or the child.
This sort of situation is never easy, but it happened and you'll make the best of it!
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 hi
i am sorry to hear about your terrible situation. i'll be honest, i do not know anything really of Indian culture, but is it ignorant of me to ask, who do you both love more? - each other or your parents? both sets of they say they will disown you both if you get divorced and get together. if it was me, i would let them. hopefully one day they will forgive you. you cannot carry on living like this with your awful husband. would it help if you left him but did not marry your friend? would that be more acceptable? and then marry him in the future if it is what you both decide that you still want to. your culture is very different from mine, but i am just telling you what i would do if it were me
xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I know this can be hard in a strict Indian background ( I myself had the same problem growing up).
I really suggest you leave your husband. You said you felt like he rapes you each time he has sex with you. the fact is that he IS raping you, if you do not consent to sex. Just because you are married does not mean you have to give into his demands. Staying in such a sexually abusive relationship is not good for you or your child.
As for your friend, ask him for help financially fo his baby and makes sure he will contribute until the child is of age. It is his right to do so. However, as harsh as this may seen, you cannot make him marry you. He was irresponsible in having sex with you knowing the delicate situation you were in, and also knowing full well that His parents will not accept your relationship . Beyond getting him to pay for his child there is not much else you can do as he seems devoted to his parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, ssaarraahh +, writes (17 January 2011):
 well the only solution is not to divorce.. if you do your parents will not talk to you and im sure nobody ever wants to lose their parents. this is really atough descision and i feel sorry for you in this case. but tell your friend to talk to his parents atleast once, and see if it works
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): If you and your friend want to marry you need to have financial independence from your families. I would work on that and then maybe you can be together without worrying what they think or do. If you do this maybe they will come around and accept the whole situation eventually.
Does your friend know this is his child?
I would also consult a lawyer and see what they say.
...............................
A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (17 January 2011):
ok, I am coming from a different cultural background here... but hear me out (and please give me some feedback)My first husband sexually abused me as well, towards the end of the marriage I met a friend and we fell in love. I moved out of my husband's home and in with my friend. My friend at the time was also married and his wife had just left him. He had 2 kids, and I had 1. (both from our own spouses). About a month after I moved in with him, he moved a state away to try to gain custody of the children because his wife was also very physically abusive. I was left alone in housing that I couldn't afford and now way to support my child. I also worked overnights, and there is no daycare for overnights so my daughter had to stay with her father (I'm thankful he's a good father). The whole story is a long mess, but now (4 years later) my friend has moved back to my state and we're living together and I'm 6 months pregnant. The time apart was good for us, because being young and married did not give us the opportunity to discover ourselves. Now I understand that being Indian, that chance to discover yourself is not allowed, but here's the thing. You are very emotionally tied to this friend right now, and you are very weak and hurt from your husband. You need some time to heal yourself-to become mentally strong and capable again. I understand the urge and normality of obeying your parents, but the way I see it is that they do not live your life and they will not be around forever. In many cultures the wife submitting to the husband on all levels is expected, and I'm not too surprised that this happened. Girls are given away with a dowry and husbands believe they are their property-the respect level is not mutual. (Maybe I'm assuming and please correct me if I'm wrong). Your friend sounds like he truly cares, but at the same time he wants to respect his parent's wishes. One of two things will happen here. He will be married and be stuck in a loveless marriage while you are his mistress on the side (if not physically, you will me emotionally), or he will marry another and be happy. Down the road, after getting married he may realize his mistake and decide to get a divorce-but right now his need to please his parents is too strong. Respect that, but most importantly respect yourself. Just like I knew my friend had to move away to try to get his children, and as much as it hurt, I respected it and let go. But because he loved me so much, and I him, we are back together. I'm not saying that will happen with you-but it's not far from impossible. In the meantime, attempt to get in contact with social services or a women's abuse shelter. These places will set you up financially so that you do not need to cling to your friend any longer and do not have to worry about your parents anger about the divorce. They can provide you with temporary housing, supplies, daycare and find a job for you-even have some training services for certain job criteria. These places also have on-staff psychologists so that you can talk to someone about what you went through with your husband and discuss the abandonment that you may (or you will) feel. Because you have a child, they will help you as much as possible. The women's shelter can provide the housing and training, social services will only provide financial assistance but no place to stay. Being that you went ahead with the divorce against your parent's wishes already, you are a very strong woman indeed. This path will only get harder, but that will only make you better :) Hope this helps!ps... please let me know if I misspoke or helped at all!
...............................
|
