A
female
age
41-50,
*eelinglost77
writes:Hi,I'm extremely upset at the moment and would be ever so grateful for your advice. I'm in my mid-thirties and met a very loving, warm man who is 2 years older than me, about 2 months ago. Having been single for a while and not having had much luck in previous relationships, I have been so happy since meeting him. He is divorced but has no children. He lives close to his family, and I have been invited for lunch/dinner many times at his parents' house, and they have been so welcoming and kind. I have also met his sister and we have got on really well. So where is the problem? Well, I went to see my parents for Christmas, and he joined us on Christmas day for a couple of days. He brought gifts for everyone and was very personable and chatty. But I saw straight away that my parents and brother didn't take to him at all. My family is quite uptight, traditional, and I think very boring. I'm very different - very relaxed, no great ceremonies for anything, much less traditional. I think my family didn't like the fact that during meals, my bf helped himself to seconds before being asked, for example. He also asked for a glass of red wine once the meal was over as he'd enjoyed it so much (he's not an alcoholic before you ask!) and he also asked my father if he could taste his whiskey as he'd never tried it before (he's not English, we both live abroad in Europe). Although my dad obliged, I could see my parents thought my bf had no manners. To me, he was just enthusiastic and he comes from a house where everyone helps themselves without any great ceremony, and where people are just chilled out. I'm devasted as I like him a lot and thought maybe he could be the one. Knowing that my family don't approve at all saddens me immensely and I feel terrible at the moment. I haven't talked to my bf or my family about it as I wanted to ask you first. I don't think my bf suspects the level of disapproval from my parents, even if he said they were a bit stressed. My parents haven't said anything to me but I know them well enough to know they think he's totally unsuitable. At my age I feel that I should be able to make my own choices in life, and I'm tired of trying to please my parents all the time - I feel this constant weight on my shoulders, even if I live abroad and don't see them more than 3 or 4 times a year. I really want to live my own life without worrying about what they think, but this is so much harder than it sounds. The irony is that when my parents got together back in the 60s, neither of their sets of parents were particularly pleased, for various reasons. Even before my bf and I met, over the past few years I've found it increasingly difficult to spend any amount of time at my parents' place. I sometimes wonder how I can be their daughter, I feel so different to them in my approach to life.I'm feeling totally lost at the moment and would so appreciate your thoughts. Thanking you in advance.
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female
reader, bardia  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 We're living parallel lives. I just had the discussion about this same situation with my parents directly last night. They are both more open to my boyfriend than I ever thought and they both actually encouraged me to start living my life for myself. I've always worried about pleasing everyone, including family and when you do that you really drive yourself crazy and resent your own life. If he makes you happy, screw the rest of them. And like the other writer (and actually a friend of mine recently) said, the rest will sort itself out in time. If your family or anyone else for that matter can't be happy for you when this person in your life so obviously does, it's time to loosen the ties. Good luck and enjoy the ride!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 January 2012):
 Make your own choices.
your parents really at this point have no say in who you live and love with.
I just took my FOURTH fiance to meet my dad... not for his blessing or his approval but because I had to get it out of the way before we married....
It took me a long long time (past your age) to learn that i have to live my life to please ME... I'm the only one I owe anything to....
it's ok to not be close to your parents.
in my circle of friends we define family as those we CHOOSE to spend time with... RELATIVES are the folks we are blood related to.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2012):
 Enjoy your relationship, the rest will sort itself out in due course.
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