A
female
age
41-50,
*opeful Romantic
writes:I need a lot of advice. I am engaged to a good man who will only have sex with me about once a month. (If I'm lucky) ... here's our history... we've been together for 6 years. I wanted to marry him as soon as I met him. During the 2nd month he told me he was going to marry me. But he didn't ask until we had been together for 4 years and I was a month pregnant. We always had a good sex life until year 3 or so when his business started stressing him out- our sex life began to dwindle. - I started to consider finding someone else - then, we started talking about having a baby - he wanted one, so he started screwing me all the time. A couple to a few times a week. It was great, just like old times - I thought everything was going back to normal. Then I got pregnant, a month later he proposed, and then I started getting morning sickness. So, of course, we stopped doing it all the time. During the 4th month of my pregnancy was the last time we did it - I of course initiated it, but once he realized I had a small belly, that was it - he didn't know what to do with me any more and I never got it again til our baby was 2 months old... It was hard too b/c I wanted it sooo bad when I was pregnant. I would die inside when I would see other couples kissing or having sex on TV. I am a pretty girl, but have never felt SO ugly in my life. He always had an excuse as to why we weren't doing it... either, I was being too moody, he would say- or he was stressed about work, too tired, sick, don't go to bed at the same time, you name it, he would say it... Once we finally did it after our baby was born, I of course had to approach him - I put on the sexiest outfit that still fit me - I felt so fat b/c all the swelling still hadn't gone down and I had new scars, and I never felt more uncomfortable to have sex with someone - it had been so long for us to be together, I didn't even feel comfortable being with him any more. But I made it happen and we got over our 6/7 month absence. You would think that would fix the issue - but no. We are still only doing it once a month. Usually on or around holidays or a birthday - and I am always the one asking for it, initiating it, or going after him... he has attacked me only twice in a couple of years and since we had the baby.We are to be married in about 6 months. And as much as I want to marry him, I am having doubts. He really is everything I want besides the lack of sex and lack of affection (ie. cuddle time and kissing)He doesn't make me work, now that we have a baby and it really is nice to spend all my time with my little man and watch him grow. He also showers me with gifts and surprises. But never does he ever make out with me - I get chicken pecks once a day when he gets home. He doesn't want to cuddle while watching a movie or when we are in bed together. I am tired of trying to bring up the topic of sex b/c it seems to make things worse and he obviously doesn't want to talk about it... I understand, it is not a comfortable topic - but I also hear that communication is the key to any relationship, so if I don't communicate about it - how will it ever be fixed... we have already put about $5,000.00 toward our wedding. I have stopped planning and have stopped buying because I am now living in fear... in fear that I am about to get stuck with a guy who will never satisfy my needs... I would be happy with once a week, but once a month, is just not enough and I am still in my 20's!!! What the heck do I do?!?!?!I have already told him that I don't want to marry him if we are only going to do it once a month. Then he'll screw me out of pity... I had to say something first, you see... And he tells me that he doesn't like me throwing the wedding in his face.... IT is really weird that when we do get around to doing it, he tell me how good I feel and how much he enjoys it... but once it's over, up he goes - no cuddles, hugs, kisses, just off to the bathroom and on to the living room. Seriously, do I have to go back to dating a new guy every time I want to feel sexy again? Is the honeymoon stage the only time for a woman to feel wanted? I want to tell him how guys use to chase me. How before him, I never ever had to want sex, I just got it when I wanted it. Now I'm with a man I would like to spend the rest of my life with, but he doesn't seem to want me... so, why did he ask me to marry him, finally?!?!!? :(
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engaged, kissing, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): It sounds to me like you have two issues: sexual frequency and overall lack of intimacy.
I think the frequency issue can probably be dealt with, but if he isn't a big cuddler/kisser and that is what you want, hmmm. OTOH you have been with him a long time, so I guess that means his lack of intimacy isn't a dealbreaker for you?
Maybe you are just having pre-wedding jitters?
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 It is true that relationships change and sexual desire cools after the inital lust stage but it really seems like something is going on with him given that he used to be right into it and now isn't. He's keeping quiet about something!
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (4 May 2012):
Hopeful Romantic is verified as being by the original poster of the question It could be a hormonal thing.
It could be bad diet, maybe too much drinking, but he usually uses excuses like...
he's stressed, overworked, tired, I've been being too moody, we don't go to bed at the same time every night, he's sick- his ear hurts, he's got a weird thing going on somewhere in his body...
it's always silly stuff like that.
I don't think it should matter if we go to bed at the same time or not, if he's horny, walk on over and start it up. Tell me you want me, or you want it tonight, jump in the shower with me (as I do him sometimes when I'm tired of waiting) ... it is not that hard to have sex, there shouldn't be THAT many excuses.
In the past, we would just go at it whenever we wanted... or he would say, "Do you want to have sex before you leave?" ... those days are so long ago it seems like I read it in a book and it never really happened. :(
I don't only miss sex with him. I also miss his kisses and make out sessions. Is this supposed to go away in a long term relationship? .... my brother and sister in law have been together for 20 years and act like they're still dating, so I know it is not unheard of.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (4 May 2012):
Hopeful Romantic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt could be a hormonal thing.
It could be bad diet, maybe too much drinking, but he usually uses excuses like...
he's stressed, overworked, tired, I've been being too moody, we don't go to bed at the same time every night, he's sick- his ear hurts, he's got a weird thing going on somewhere in his body...
it's always silly stuff like that.
I don't think it should matter if we go to bed at the same time or not, if he's horny, walk on over and start it up. Tell me you want me, or you want it tonight, jump in the shower with me (as I do him sometimes when I'm tired of waiting) ... it is not that hard to have sex, there shouldn't be THAT many excuses.
In the past, we would just go at it whenever we wanted... or he would say, "Do you want to have sex before you leave?" ... those days are so long ago it seems like I read it in a book and it never really happened. :(
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (4 May 2012):
Honestly I would seriously think about marrying this guy. If the lack of sex didn't bother you either then I'd say go for it but since it does bother you then it's going to be a big problem in your marriage. Also the fact that he made you feel ugly about yourself is so sad. I wonder if he would ever consider seeing a doctor about his lack of sex drive? It could be a hormonal thing.
To me this just seems a bit too big to ignore.
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