A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,My gf got pregnant, we found it out today. We were both anxious when the news came.I'm 20, she's 19, we've been together for only 2 years, but we already made our minds about the future.We never had any unprotected sex, but as her period started to delay, from the first days I felt that was IT. I started reading stuff and getting into it. (Who knew, even if I was not going to be a father at the moment, those things would become handy in the future). So I thought it through and came to a series of conclusions:1) I feel that I can cope with fatherhood. I'm sure it will take a lot of effort, but it's all worth it. Furthermore, I'm very stable from financial standpoint, my kid will get everything he/she needs.2) However, I can not put any pressure on my girlfriend, she's under a lot of pressure already. I can not make her have our baby, neither can I make her abort.3) I can by no means leave her alone with a baby. My father did this to me, I have a debt to repay.4) From ethical standpoint, abortion is not unacceptable for either of us.As the news came I drove to her place. I did what I felt was right - I said that whatever her decision is, I give her full support. I said I was ready to be a father, but if she does not feel ready, I respect her decision. She wanted to abort.Only than I understood how much I wanted her to have a baby. I keep my word and give her all the support I can provide, but God, I feel broken-hearted.Thank you for all the reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): You've done all you can, you've literally done everything right by her. Don't turn into an asshole now and start pressuring her or emotionally blackmailing her to have your way.
You only found out very recently. She may change her mind but it's her mind to change. Your choice was over when you came inside her.
You have a say, but she doesn't have to listen and she certainly can't be forced to do anything so be careful how far you take that OP. There' having a say and there's being a forceful asshole, don't become the latter.
Look, just take your time and keep trying to help her any way you can and be supportive. It's not a child, it's a bunch of cells and nothing even close to a child at the moment, if she has an abortion now she's not doing anything more than removing a bunch of cells, it's as significant as having a period depending on early this is done.
There can be very harsh mental consequences to it though so it's worth checking out counselling options should she require it.
Most of all though OP just wait and see, if she decides she wants to abort it then be with her every step of the way and pay half the costs. Who knows though, once the shock has died down she may want to keep it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): your wish for her to have this baby isn't fair on her. please have some compassion for your gf, the one whose body will be changed and whose health will be risked by carrying this baby, and who will be the one having to take care of the baby most of the time and give up her career. it's not an equal decision, it shouldn't be. because it does not affect both people equally.
it would be different if you two had agreed and planned the pregnancy and then now that she's pregnant she's backing out of it. But this was unplanned, so for you to now suddenly change YOUR mind that now YOU want HER to have a baby, is unfair to her and yes it is selfish.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Do you call this devestating? Running over an innocent bystander with your car is devastating, not producing a new life. Where do young people get this ridiculous thinking that unplanned pregnancy=death sentence? Recognize that a beautiful thing has just happened between you & your girlfriend. You both have a child together. Think about guys who cannot knock up the woman they love. Man! They have it worse than you. Also, you are fortunate to be in love with a woman who can bring forth your seed. It would've been worse if she was barren. It is not the end of the world, but the begining of a new one for you, your girlfriend & your child. Don't worry & fret. Be confident about the future & anticipate it with joy & excitement. You have been given a wonderful gift, which is fatherhood. Congradulations. Be a great dad & take care of your first born son & his mother. Cheers from one father to another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): I strongly believe that where an unplanned pregnancy is concerned, that it should take both partners equally wanting the child, to be the greenlight to go ahead and bring the child into the world. But if just one of the partners does not want to have the unplanned baby, then that veto should override everything. In other words I think that only if both partners want the baby, should the woman go ahead and carry the pregnancy through. If only one partner wants the baby, then that should by default be a no-go. It just wouldn't be fair to the three parties involved (the man, woman, and child) to go ahead and have the child anyway when there isn't unanimous support and agreement.contrary to what some other commentators seem to be suggesting, I don't think you should try to emotionally blackmail her into not aborting, if aborting is what she wants. don't try to "get" her to change her mind. People who only change their mind because of influence from their partner, usually second guess the decision and regret it later on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): I think you need to explain to her now, just how much you would like her to keep the baby because it will be too late afterwards. If you are coming across as half hearted and okay either way, she might see this as you being indifferent when you clearly arent!
At the moment she is in shock and probably panicking like crazy. So give her a little time, be calm and supportive. Let her know if she does go ahead with the pregnancy, you will be beside her every step of the way and everything will be alright. She will need a lot of reassurance. I hope she decided to keep the baby too but at the end of the day it is her decision. All the best.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (9 January 2013):
You have done all the right things and there is nothing more you can do. I would like to say you have handled all of this really really well.Unfortunately though as she is the one that will have to go through all of the changes and she is the one it will affect the most it is at the end of the day her decision.You can make your point that in an ideal world you would want to keep it and support her entirely so that she is aware of your feelings but try not to put too much pressure on here as you haven't already.You never know she might change her mind.
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 There's always other options. It's not just her decision, it's yours as well. I'm totally against abortion. This is something you will need to be responsible if y'all decide to do so. Research the aftermath if aborting a baby. It can affect her in many ways (emotionally, physically and mentally) I've had a miscarriage, and I always think about my child. Adoption is always an option. So many couples are looking for a baby to adopt. It took my husband and I five years. There's always a choice. And it's a decision between you and I. It's not just a woman's choice. It's a couples choice. There's life growing inside your partner that's a part of you. So sit down and talk. And decide what's best for you, your gf and baby. Hope this helps! Best if luck to y'all!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 January 2013):
I don't agree about letting her do whatever she wants. If you can explain to her how important this is to you and how much you want her to keep the baby then she may change her mind.
No, you can't force her, nor should you. But if your attitude was kind of "whatever" that's not exactly making her confident about your future!
My brother had a child at your age and let me tell you that it's difficult at any age, but worth it. What's better is that you'll still be young together.
If you want to be a good dad you will, it's the most natural thing in the world!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): You already gave her your word that you will support whatever decision she makes with her body, so now you have to follow through and do what you said. I know you want her to have the baby because you want to be a father. But please understand that motherhood affects women much more than fatherhood affects men. It's much easier for a man to become a father and carry on his life, than for a woman to become a mother. So I think you need to tell yourself that her decision and feelings carries more weight than yours.it's not like this is your only chance to have a baby. You're still so young. You and her may very well have kids some day if you stay together as planned. It's only a matter of time. It does not have to be now. In fact if she doesn't want a baby now, then that means now is not the right time for her no matter how much you want it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): Wow, that's tough. I'm married and had a close call to being pregnant, but I already have kids, and for a couple of days (eventually found out I wasn't), I had to think about what I wanted because I am against abortion, yet from a practical point of view, I couldn't imagine having a 3rd child. Perhaps be more honest with her about wanting to keep the baby if your heart is screaming for this. Having a child is not easy, but aborting is a decision that one will carry with one's self for the rest of your life. Can she live with this decision guilt-free considering she is opposed to abortion? Can you decide to live with each other and consider marriage in the near future to solidify your relationship? Perhaps that might make her re-think her decision to abort. You do have a say in this as well even if she's the one who is physically pregnant.
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