A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We lived together for a year and she was pregnant once before, which I fully supported, but unfortunately the baby was unhealthy to the point where doctors advised an abortion. Fast forward a few months and one night after a stupid argument, during which she started to scratch and hit me, I pushed her away and she hurt her head. She claims I also slapped her several times but my memory is not sure about this, and it is certainly not something I would like to think I was capable of.At some point during the argument I decided enough was enough and I left our apartment and planned to go and rent a hotel for at least the night. She just was not stopping and it was getting out of hand with scratches to my face and things being broken/thrown. Incidentally it was all because I had gone home early from a bar when she vanished for 30 minutes and wouldn't answer the phone (claimed she couldnt hear it- it was quite loud, and our group had moved tables while I was on the phone outside).As I was getting into my car to drive to a hotel, my car being parked some 300 metres from the apartment, I noticed her running up to the car. It was quite dark. The next thing I know I am being stabbed and slashed with a knife.I pleaded with her to stop but she kept going and I had to push her away so I could get a headstart and make a run for it. Somehow my car keys got lost during this so I left the car.I found a passing car on the main road and was kindly taken to hospital where I had over 20 stitches to my face, arms and chest. I had lost quite a bit of blood and was feeling very shook up.Since that night I have not seen my ex girlfriend but we did maintain some contact, she apologized and explained she went crazy because I slapped her, she has had anger issues in the past. She had pictures of her own wound to her head where she said she hit or got hit somehow caused by me. I do not remember slapping or hitting her but she seems so insistent I have started to confuse memory of what happened with her tale of what happened. at this point it is possible to me that I slapped her but I am sure that regardless, she was throwing things at me and hitting me first and I do not have any history of hitting anyone, let alone girls. Anyway, a month or so later she says she is pregnant. I try to convince her that we are in no position to be parents or provide a good situation for a baby. That it wasnt like before and after the knife attack how could I get back with her? Its not a normal thing for someone to do. She refused to have an abortion and so now she is at half term and I am having to accept I will be a father. She won't abort a healthy baby which is what the doctor has told her it is.Obviously I want what is best for the child. But, I can't provide it. A child needs both parents and ideally a loving family. If I were to forgive her and move back to her, would we just fight and would next time be worse, maybe with the child seeing mummy and daddy trying to kill one another? (or rather, mummy trying to kill daddy!).If it is not best to put myself or the child in such a position of possible bad things, then I should not try to have a normal relationship with my ex. But, then how can I be a father to my child? Maybe I should just send money? Maybe I should arrange a regular visit? How would I explain this to the child when it is old enough to ask?I resent my ex for putting us both in the position which I feel is an almost impossible one for me, but I also feel sorry for her as I believe she doesnt believe in abortion for sincere reasons (although I dont agree with them I can respect them) and will now have to face parenthood or at least a lot of it without me due to what she did and how she has forced me to not be safe around her.But.. I would just like to know what to do. My own trusted family and friends give good advice, but I feel I am at the stage where I need more ideas. Thank you in advance for your kind consideration of my problem.I am worried that I could not live with myself in future if I have made the wrong choice at this point.
View related questions:
abortion, ex girlfriend, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): If someone is unfit to be a parent because they are mentally unstable and violent, then the child should not live with them but with the stable parent. You need to take full custody of the child and have the mother locked up because she is a criminal who tried to murder you. Then you can raise the child on your own, in a healthy way. But you cannot do any of this without involving the legal system. Otherwise, you are acting outside the law and will be the one in the wrong if you try to come between the child and its mother who has no criminal record. Taking custody of the child outside the courts is basically kidnapping. if you wont' involve the legal system, then your hands are tied, and all you can do is physically run away from her without fulfilling your parental duty to protect your own child never mind get to know him/her. and the child will not have a chance but will have to live with this unstable and dangerous woman (unless she attacks her next boyfriend and he, unlike you, gets her put in jail for it).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Google and read up articles on domestic violence. You will see that all psychologists, counselors, social workers, and police, agree that the domestic violence is a cycle and left unchecked will continue on and on forever until the abuser or the victim dies. Only the victim can break the cycle, the abuser never will. And the only way to break the cycle is to remove yourself completely from the abuser. If you have kids together this is more complicated which is why you need to involve the legal system so that you're not made to choose between saving your life (or the life of your kid) versus YOU being put in jail for breaking the law. if you refuse to involve the police, lawyers, and courts, then the only option available is to do something illegal such as simply running away to another country so she cant' find you. But then you will be liable for not paying child support and there could be a warrant out for your arrest should you ever return to your home country. If you simply send money, she can trace it back to where you have moved to and track you down herself and probably she will kill you this time (again, look up articles on domestic violence). You won't be able to get a restraining order against her since there's no record of her ever doing anything wrong since you refused to involve the courts or police right at the beginning. There's also a real possibility that in the future the police will show up on your door and YOU will get arrested for assault and battery because SHE will call the police and say that YOU abused her. Then you won't have any proof otherwise since you refused to involve the courts and lawyers early on like right now when your knife wounds are still fresh. If in 2 years time she makes up some story on you and gets you arrested, it's a bit late then when the evidence against her is long gone!!There's no limit to what someone who's violent and unstable and is out to 'get' you can do to you, if you refuse to involve the protection of the law. You will always have to be hypervigilant and never let your guard down. It's extremely foolish to think you can protect yourself on your own against someone like this whose focus is laser-locked on you and will stop at nothing to hurt you.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 January 2013):
Counseling and a lot of it!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): OP, I am originally from your country (I emigrated to the states long ago). Singapore is the most advanced country in the south east asian region. You need to not have this rural mentality of "I don't want to involve the courts and lawyers." I have cousins who were lawyers in Singapore, they dealt with situations like yours all the time. You are not alone, and not using the legal system is a cop out and you will be responsible for bringing a child into a violent family and yet not doing anything about it.
First, you should file a police report and press charges against your ex-gf for assault and attempted murder. what your ex did is a CRIME punishable under law. Intentionally stabbing and slashing someone IS A CRIME. Not involving the courts and law is not an option.
about the pregnancy. talk to your country's equivalent of child protective services. It's not good for a child to have a parent who is so unstable and violent. This child is at a high risk for becoming another unstable violent adult in the making and go on to stab and slash other people in the future. It may be best for your ex-gf to give the child up for adoption or have the child live in foster care for its own safety. This is not about what your ex wants, it's about the welfare and safety of an innocent child.
You should not get back together with her, don't even consider it. She will probably end up killing you while you're sleeping or ambushing you another way. If she somehow ends up keeping the baby, you should only send money and go through your country's court system as far as visiting your child. You may have to sacrifice a close fatherly relationship with this one child, in order to protect the child from witnessing domestic violence. That's OK, you need to keep your priorities straight.
But first, make a police report and press assault charges. Who knows, if your ex rightly gets arrested and put in the criminal system, she may then finally get access to psychiatric treatment and it may be determined that she is unfit to be a mother as I strongly suspect she is!!
But you need to get the ball rolling on this, the responsibility is on YOU. You need to do something because you're the guy involved and it is YOUR responsibility to protect this future child that YOU helped bring into the world via an unstable violent woman. But this mess is much bigger than you so you can't go it alone, you need to involve the authorities - the legal system, and the child welfare system, whatever.
I know that your country has very strict laws when it comes to criminal offences. I know your country is not as 'advanced' as the united states as far as accessibility of psychiatric health services or the social stigma of it. But you do need to use whatever systems are in place because it is YOUR responsibility not to have an innocent child brought up by a violent unstable woman, as the guy who brought the child into this world in the first place.
By being too afraid to rock the boat, you are contributing to the problem. Trust me, I am from your country, I know that as imperfect as the system is, it's better than you trying to do go the DIY route. You need to use whatever systems are in place and work through it, battle it if you must (you probably will). You CANNOT do this on your own, it will be disaster if you try.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): That's pretty messed up! Sounds almost like a movie. I don't think you should get back together with this person for your sake and for your child. Move on with your life but definitely be there for your child in every possible way.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question I should add that lawyers and courts etc are out of the question due to where we live. It's just not that kind of system/country and where it does happen the courts almost exclusively give rights to the mother even where it is shown that the mother previously did something bad. I also do not wish to escalate the situation by trying to involve outsiders like lawyers and courts as it will only cause bad blood without any real gain and I need all my options open. thanks for reading
...............................
|
