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anonymous
writes: I live with a man that I am deeply in love with. We have known one another for coming on a year. We became attracted to one another when we began to exchange emails.In the emails we shared intimate memories of childhood and our marraiges with it shared life lessons we have learnt.We met up in November 2005. The physical attraction was undeniable. We continued to email.In December of 2005 we met up again and went Christmas shopping for unfortunate kids. This was his decision based on something I had mentioned in an email to him about how heartbreaking it was to go shopping and to see older children (11-16yr olds) wishes left on the tree.With this I came to know how thoughtful he was and how much he listened to me. He touched my heart that day. It is one of my most memorable recollections to this day.We still met one another and spent some days with one another talking and watching movies.In January 2006, we decided to meet up and that he would spend time with my children. I knew he was nervous and I felt for him.Needless to say it was a fantastic and most loving time of dating.Things took a turn in May 2006 when I discovered he was dating another woman in December and this hurt me. I also found naked images of women on his computer after he decided to give me access to his account as well as emails...which I asked him why and he said it would be fun for us to know what one another was up to and I was to email him from his account when I was over at his place.I also found out more lies which devastated me.I am still doing my best to recover from this and work on getting to know him.In hindsight we moved in with one another which wasn't a good idea.I am committed to this man and as of now, we rarely have sex, he hardly holds me in the night and I feel like I am being used when he wants sex. I have iniated sex and have been refused time and again. I feel helpless and so full of pain and sorrow over how quickly our relationship is eroding.We have had two couple's counselling sessions and it feels like we are making up everyday.I am at a loss as to what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I am sorry for the pain you have had to endure. You are strong..and as a woman myself, who's known abuse in her past...I deeply respect you for the steps you are taking. Hang in there, dear and keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe what my Parents say about him; he has mental problems.
He sent another email all about love and hope we can be friends one day. He's delusional. I don't know how he can think after putting me through hell that it's going to happen.
The one counsellor we were seeing in my city said she did not want to work with him because he was self serving and this usually indicates big time insecurities which leads to abuse and control. She wanted to focus on me as I could be reasoned with. A part of this therapy was to not contact him for three months. She spoke to him and said it would help us both to become emotionally well and for it to work, he needed to back off for three months, email me on Fridays only. She told him we want her to get stronger and better so she can be happy and start making good choices. He said he would do it. The counsellor told him to not go to see me-she'll tell me.
He left her office and came straight over to me and told me he was ending it and he was going out to a bar with his friend. He told me he couldn't love me and that he resented the counsellor for trying to take me away from him. He told me you go and be happy without someone to love and care for you.
I totally felt like I was going mental. I had to call the counsellor and she said that he was very controlling and manipulative and he is the reason why my mental health was spiralling downhill.
Today I am going to change my campus email, I've blocked him from all my email addresses. I have moved. I have a new number. I see my parents everyday. I forward any emails to them. My Mom won't respond to him as she realized he does it to stay still involved and in control of me. My Dad is stepping in and will deal with him from now on. I know I will be taken care of.
I'm working on moving on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Why won't he leave you alone? Probably, because he's a disturbed controlling man who doesn't likes to lose or be turned down. When a man is rejected, he will try his best to express love and devotion to a woman he loves. But when he knows it's over...he backs away and moves on as best he can. What this man is doing is not love, dear. Men who love, are happy people who can't imagine ever hurting a woman he loves, They simply don't hurt. They enrich and bring fulfillment into one's life because they want to. You have your hands full. I recommend you go to the nearest police station and get a retraining order on this man. Change your phone numbers, email addresses, phone numbers and take steps to getting him out of your life once and for all. Look out for you and your family, dear and be strong. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings didn't get better and I suffered two nervous breakdowns. I didn't have a great childhood but when I was 12 to now; I have had very loving and supportive foster parents in my life.
My Mother didn't like him from the first time she met him as she said, he was good at trying to impress my Dad with words and his education, job. He was trying to sell himself to my parents she said and to her; that signals a very insecure and dishonest individual.
She didn't say anything to me as she respected my choice.
She stood by me and my choice and tried to encourage the communication and love in my relationship with this man.
Christmas 2006 erupted in violence. He feels justified in what he did and he screamed at me he f-ing hated me and almost came close to punching me.
That was the day my Mother said she did not think he was as good as he pretended to be and said he is a wolf in sheeps clothing. She said they are the most dangerous people in society as they are good at hiding who they really are. If anyone could see him like I now know him-they would want nothing to do with him.
He had started emailing my mother and trying to make her see his side and my Mother was telling him you ended it yet again, kicked my daughter and her daughter out on the streets again- it's over, you wanted that and she is repsecting that. Move on.
He wouldn't respect my Mother and broke promises he made to her as well. That he would not call me or email me.
I was doing well for the past three weeks. I did not call or email him. But he called my house numerous times and was emailing me and my Mother.
My Mother warned me that as a vendetta against her, he would try to appear nice, sorry, and make promises of change and wish me the best and offer help but it will be all lies and he really just wants to get me back to spit in my Mom's face.
She was right. He called and I gave in and spoke to him.
Suffice it to say...it was all about how if I loved him, I needed to tell my parents it was all me, he did nothing wrong... he was trying to get me to tell him he did everything for me and I'm ungrateful...abuse, manipulation, control...and I couldn't take it anymore and screamed at him You don't care about me, you don't want me to be happy, you like causing me pain and making me feel like I'm going mental. I can't rationalize with you because it's all about you. You want, you need STAY OUT OF MY LIFE.
I feel close to exhaustion because he won't leave me or my Mother alone.
He finds the smallest excuse and threats police and lawyers.
I don't understand how someone could ask someone to leave them alone and they do it, and that same person begins to get obsessive and wants to fight with her and her family.
It's over. He ended. I see he's abusive, self serving. I'm moving on.
Why won't he leave me alone?
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A
female
reader, Lostsoul +, writes (18 September 2006):
 Must be tough. Unless you are allowed to talk to him though how can things change for the better ? hes not being fair at all. Have you been allowed to go back to counselling ? That could do you the world of good.Maybe try a last ditched attempt at talking to himallowing him to see that you really want to make it worklet him know that hes tearing you up so so much he mayallow, you now after some time of not mentioning it to speakyou cant do it on your own, you need his support.counselling together is not the only thing that could helpeveryone needs someone, so maybe talk to a counsellor on your own.I do hope things get better for you, it cant be much fun living like that.Someone you love oh so much giving you the cold shoulderYou must be at your lowest with all this. Nothing can make him change, but at least he could try to show he cares.Noone deserves this, make the break and set yourself free if he doesnt at least try to keep you together and make you happy!
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (2 September 2006):
 Honey, You already know that you cant stay like this. You know you have to move on. Yes its hard, but he doesnt want what you want, its very clear in everything that he says and does... You cant even talk to him about how you are feeling as it brings him down!! what the feck is that about, how about how his behaving is bringing you down... the man is selfish, im sorry you love him and dont want me slurring him, but he is being plain old selfish and you are allowing him to do it, because of your love for him. What an ass not coming home when he says he will, why cant he come home to you ? what is he doing ? hes not making the sligthest of effort and has more or less said, like it or lump it. Hes gone back on everything he ever said and has told you to make do... There is no compromise, its his way or no way.. do you really want to live like that ? By the sound of it he simply doesnt care. This is not a relationship. its two people living in the same house. He cant even make the effort and come home to you for christsakes as work is soooo important... you are clearly not wanting the same things, you are consumed by your love for him and cant see clearly enough that he simply isnt making the effort... if you cant talk to your partner whats the point, you cant achieve anything together if you cant even express how you are feeling and how you want thigns to change, he doesnt want things to chagne and simply does not care that you are feeling this way. If he did he would do everything he could to make this right. You are allowing your love for him to overcloud thigns and allow yourself to be treated this way because of your love, your scared and alone and hes not even attempted to make any headway with you... you really cannot stay like this... he isnt bothered in the slightest how you feel, you cannot carry on like this and you know it. What exactly is keeping you with him ? In your words you feel alone, and lost, hes not coming home to spend time with you, he seldom wants a sex life with you, he doesnt hold you anymore, so what exactly my love is keeping you with him ? the fact that you love him and are afraid to let him go ? that is no way to live, he calls all the shots and you have to fall in to what he wants, that is no relationship, thats a power thing on his half, he doesnt make an attempt to make you happy or see that you are hurting.. you owe it to yourself to move on... you have a choice... you stay and get more and more depressed about this as hes not making an effort or you get out. You cannot make a change on your own and he simply isnt wanting to make the effort, you cant make someone make an effort i know that, they have got to want to.. if you cant even talk to him about it where does that leave you.. alone and hurting not knowing what to do next.. no wonder you are at your wits end... its all leading to that fact that maybe he doesnt want this anymore and its easier to let you make that choice then for him to walk out... there isnt really anything holding you together, a reltaionship is about trust, commitment, love, companionship, sharing and caring, expression and honesty... you have none of that.... you have to work out what you want, do you want a relationship without any of that, simply because you love him ? That my love clearly isnt enough.. you cannot allow him to destroy you in this way... visit a counsellor on your own.. and get the strength to work out where you go from here, you need some support from somwhere and your not getting it from him... get the strength to see clearly and work out how you can best proceed, you know this is no good for you and its not a life that you want... please dont allow him to totally destroy you, its not easy but you can do this, take the reins back on your life, forget everything he promised, you know it will never change, do whats best for you.... and grab your life back. You are worth more than empty promises and a man that will not support and see why you are feeling so bad, that clearly is not what a loving relationship is about and its not doing you any good.
If you want to talk this over more, feel free to private message me. or leave a message here.
I can see how this is bringing you down, but if you cant even talk to him, then its not looking like you will make any progress or change this situation.
Take care x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, at the time, he was still on date sites and still had active accounts. I deleted my profiles in December. He deleted his of this June.
I still struggle with broken promises.
He said he would never work more than 40 hrs a week and now spends nights at work after promising to come home by supper at a specified time. An hour will pass and he won't be home at the time and I will receive a call that he will be late and then can't commit to a time that he will be home.
He lied to me about having sex with a certain number of women and then later revealed that he lied about a fling.
He lied about having his Ex wife's engagement rings and earrings. When I found out he had them I was so upset. He promised to donate them but the Ex found out about them and asked for them back. She bragged to me about how much money he spent on her. To this he thanked me for not being so obsessed with money and status and that it will be a relief that he doesn't have to spend money on me for a ring. This hurt me and I told him.
He promised to sell his home and build one with me and after the fights over his lies and counseling; he has decided that I should just be happy with the home he built for his wife.
He asked to have children with me but now doesn't know if he wants that anymore. I originally told him not unless we were married.
He promised me an engagement ring then a promise ring and then bought me a titanium ring with the promise to love me and put my family first and not to lie to me and to uphold promises.
He went back on them all. I am left hurting and desparing and I am to not talk to him about how I feel anymore as it brings him down. I can no longer discuss why I hurt due to his breaking promises unless it is in front of a counselor. We haven't gone in weeks.
I am at my wits end.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (1 September 2006):
Is he still dating other women ? Did he give a reason why he was seeing other people.. appears he wasnt ready to be settled with you... if you are an item you dont date other people.. have you asked him all of this and how it all came about... it must be awful loving someone in the way you do to find he isnt what you thought... im at a bit of a loss what to advise other than are you really prepared to share him because you love him that much... seems he is not as commited as you are and isnt treating you how he once did.. you only saw the flirtatous man, the man with no cares in the world, and the free spirit. when a relationship becomes that hard work you have to wonder is it what you really want ? Do you feel you are making progress with this guy ? have you told him exactly how you feel, im guessing you have hence the counselling... maybe he doesnt view the relationship as you do and has trouble commiting... maybe if you really want a future with him and you want to see past the lies and deciet then carry on with the counselling.... but if there are that many lies and deciet will you ever really know him ? Not knowing what he thinks about all this its hard to say whether you should struggle to make this work... if hes like this this early on is he really going to commit to you as you would like him to... the sex and intimacy are all part of being wanted and wanting to crave one another, has he explained why he doesnt want so much sex, is he just not a one woman guy ? If you dont want the same things then its hard to make it work... it seems he was never straight with you from the start and finds it easier to shut you out rather than talk to you... it all depends how much you really want this, you are feeling very low and insecure and hes not doing alot to help you feel any better, will the counselling fix this, only you will know, have you made progress at all, you deserve to feel the love back that you are giving and if he cant even go half way into doing that and commit to you then its going to be a long hard battle, perhaps he got carried with the newness of your relationship and when reality hit, realised its not what he wants.. you need to ask him all these things and see if you really have got the energy to make it work, so far it seems you are feeling all this pain and sorrow and its not getting you anywhere, no one deserves to feel alone in a relationship, its about two people that care about each other, and commit to one another and do anything to make the other happy, you are very unhappy and its not helping staying together right now....perhaps some time apart would jolt him into realising that he isnt treating you right and that could be what makes you have the freshness of your relationship back, the only thing you will need to ask yourself if that were to happen could you trust him... you cant carry on being this miserable, you have to decide whether you want to stick around feeling like this because you love him or set him free so you can be in less pain. its not easy but i dont think from the sound of it he's wanting what you want. you need to ask him where he wants you two to head and see if you want the same thing... time apart with the counselling may help more than being under the same roof, so if able to live apart for a bit it might be the break you need, either way you cant stay feeling this bad it really isnt fair... he needs to go some way into making you feel special again and he needs to make a big effort.
I wish you the best and hope that things turn out well for you.
Take care xx
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A
female
reader, theskycastle +, writes (1 September 2006):
 I feel really sorry for you. I think you have to do what's best for you. Love is great when you're in it, but it takes a lot from both parties to make it happen. You have to know what your limits are. If he is doing something that hurts your heart, is it worth it to be with him? It's the same question when someone asks you whether you will trust your lover after they cheated on you once. Some people think as long as they don't do it again, then that's alright. Some people will never believe them again. You are the only one who can make decisions and who can create your own life. Ask yourself what makes you happy.
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