A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys and gals. I moved down to London around six months ago because I found a good job. I left my best friend up in Manchester. About three months ago, I ran in to my best friend's fiance here in London. I knew that they had broken up since my moving but it was an amicable break up, they had just grown apart. He is the tall, dark and handsome type and I was happy when he was going out with my best friend because he proved to me that there were nice guys out there. I fancied him like crazy and had some fantasies about me and him when I was alone. Of course I would have never have done anything with him while he was with my best friend.I invited him round to come and see my new flat, so he came round the next day. I made sure I dressed as revealing as possible without looking too revealing if you get my meaning. I had allsorts running through my mind about what could happen when he came round. Anyway, he came round and stayed for a couple of hours. We had a coffee and talked and then he left. A few mintues later he came back because he had left his car keys on the table. It was then that he asked me out. I didn't hesitate to say yes. That weekend, he took to me see a play and then for a drink afterwards. It was a great night and I was shaking with excitment throughout. I invited him back to my flat afterwards. When we got there I made it clear what I wanted. Him. I took him to my bedroom and we didn't stop for a rest all night. We have been seeing each other for a while now but my best friend is coming to stay with me for the weekend. Should I tell her about me and her ex-fiance or should I keep it quiet? He thinks we should keep it quiet but I feel that I need to tell her. What do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): He doesn't want you to tell her because he knows that she will be upset. And she would. He knows and wants you to keep your secret from her. Warning bell here. May not have been so amicable after all. Is this friendship going somewhere with him? You rather tell her now (since it is in the beginning stages) than later. She may be upset if she also had a sexual relationship with him too. Good friends look out for one another. Are you a good friend? Then tell her and let her deal with her emotions. You do not want to loose her as a friend for a mere guy though. You were obviously interested in him before and now that he is free you are entitled to date him. However secrets have a way of coming out. Write to us and tell us how she reacted to the news that you and her ex are together. Bad feeling here.
A
female
reader, hibiscus  +, writes (12 March 2009):
I don't agree with the statement that she "will get over it or should at least". You just don't do this to your best friend. I have a great friend and her boyfriend and I were mutual friends before they started dating. They broke up and to this day I still feel weird talking to him. I have absolutely no attraction to him, so I will NEVER end up in a similar situation. But she is my FRIEND, so when ever I have a conversation with him, I tell her so she knows that I am not keeping anything from her even if he just say hi!You really do need to think about what you want from the relationship as well as his motives.Why would he not want you to tell her? How long has it been since they called of the engagement? Are you in fact his rebound girl? Is he even looking for something serious at the moment? Are you both on the same page?Please also try to understand the situation from her perspective as well as how you would feel if you were in her position.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 I would tell er and ask what she thinks. She is your best friend after all. Best friends boyfriends always.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 March 2009):
 Well if he wants to keep it quiet then that is a bit of a warning sign; clearly he does not want her to know about the two of you. This either means he only wants you for sex and a general good time, or he still has feelings for her. Either way, not good news for you. If he was serious about you then he would want to come clean too.
To me, this seems really awful. I have a couple of close female friends who are my best friends, and no way in a million years would I date or even kiss their ex's. No matter how good looking they are, it is just not fair on your friend becuase seeing the two of you together would be a kick in the teeth. And especially with them being engaged - they were going to get married! You just dont do that, its like an unwritten rule between friends.
I dont think this girl can be your best friend if you are willing to do this, I'm sorry. By inviting this man to your flat you have basically said, I want to be with this guy more than I want to have a friendship with this girl. If you were her best friend you would have asked her, before you even invited him round the first time, if she was ok with it. You should be honest from the start, now you have already slept with him there is no way she is going to be ok with this.
You have lost your best friend here for a guy that probably is just looking for sex as a rebound from his fiancee. Big mistake!
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (12 March 2009):
 When and what you tell her depends on what you want from your relationship with him.
If you want something serious with him, then you do need to tell her, and face to face might be best, to show her that you really are serious about this. He might not want to come around while she is visiting. Make it just a girls weekend.
If you just want to be with him for sex, then this is something you can tell her over the phone before her visit. Then it will come off that you 'slipped' up and are sorry to her.
If their split was mutual, then I don't think you have anything to worry about. If he was a cad and did horrid things to her, then yes, it would be pretty wrong of you to be with him.
I'm in the same position as you where I am dating my former house mate's ex. She dumped him and crushed him, and 2 years later he started dating. But I was still worried about what she would say.
Either way, your friend deserves to know, but for what it's worth, I think you have done nothing wrong. If she gets upset, she will get over it, or should at least.
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A
female
reader, hibiscus +, writes (12 March 2009):
I agree with keogan! I think you should tell her especially if it is serious. It does not sound serious at the moment, but as a best friend, you should her. The longer you take, the more difficult if would be for you to tell her.
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