A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am getting married in 2 months. My fiance and I have a great relationship, however, sometimes I find it hard to trust him. I have found a few emails he has had with other girls, flirting and asking them to come over. We have had open discussions about them and I know he is a big flirt and is joking around with them. He actually mentioned in one email that he was kidding about her coming over. I know that he is joking with them and he would never physically cheat on me. But it still bothers me and he knows this. Is it okay that he flirts with other girls but is still faithful to me? I am working on my snooping habits, because I too, am giving him reasons not to trust me. We are soo in love and soo great together other than this one issue. Advise please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Why are you planning to marry a guy you 'find hard to trust?' Yikes! And no, it's not okay that he flirts with other females, even if he is faithful to you. Why would you tolerate that form of disrespect and does he not have the maturity to practise some genuine, self-restraint? You want the same thing most women want--to find an amazing trustworthy partner she can wholly trust to love, honor and cherish her, and to live with that person, happily/faithfully, for the rest of her life. That'a what marriage is and it's something we should all expect to get, let alone desire. You are on the cusp of being married to a man you don't fully trust. Trust your instincts girl, those are warning signs. He's already been caught sending flirty email messages to other women. I wouldn't trust this man, as far as I could throw him...plain and simple. He needs to earn your full trust before any wedding can ever take place. Listen if he keeps up this flirting, all it will take is one gal, who'll take his invitation to 'come on over', very seriously, while you are out of town and then all hell breaks loose. Trust in a marriage is a huge, longterm ongoing process for the entire life of the marriage. Trust is precious..it isn't handed over easily and one earns that trust through loyalty and sincere actions of lovingness and caringingness. And in my books, this man of yours, should not be making you feel this unbalanced and unsafe all brought on by his mindless, silly flirting. Stop accepting that behavior-tell him to grow up-get tough with him. Lay a boundary out here, dear. Tell him calmly...No more flirting with other females, no more online BS. If you allow his benauviors to carry on, then I will have to forewarn you...he could be like a bomb ready to go off. Just make sure it doesn't happen when you have two babies, a huge house mortgage to pay, as financially, your option to 'walk away' will be lessened a great deal. It's pretty tough to leave a marriage when you begin a family. Divorce can and will devastate lives. Your man flirts to feed his 'ego'-he should be only flirting with you. His flirtiness may seem harmless now.. but it won't be, 10 years down the road, when the marriage sees it's 'normal'good days/bad days and ups/downs. You need yhis man fully in your corner all the way, girl...and it begins with unwavering 'trust' on the part of 'both of you'. And he needs to be more respectful of you. I think you need to talk with him about his flirting behaviors and you tell him, you don't fully trust. This may get him motivated to begin a new path where he can begin earning your trust. Let's hope he can do it because if you can't trust him, then you have no relationship. Trust is foundational!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): I understand completely where you are coming from because these type of guys are very convincing liars. He will tell you up and down that he would never and has never cheated on you and you want to believe him. He even turns the tables on you and blames your snooping to the two of you having problems.....I've been there, done that. These men never change. Yes, I was totally in love as well, until I found out what was going on behind my back. I tried to live with it for 5 long tortuos years only to leave in the end and wish I had not only wasted my time but also I wished we could have departed while we still loved each other and didn't have all these terrible fights to look back on.Save yourself....you have a right to be upset and every right not to trust him....he is unable to stop himself from doing this without professional help, and he WILL mess around on you if he hasn't already. No one can love him enough to change this about him, it is part of who he is and he can't seperate it from his relationship with you (which is what he would like YOU to do). He is hoping you will let this slide and see things from his point of you.I wish you the best of luck, but mostly I wish I could save you the heartache and pain that will come from a marriage to someone like this. You are the only one that can save yourself, treat yourself like the most important person in your world and someone will come along that agrees with you...that is where you will find happiness.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 You sure you want to marry someone who does this? Because i would feel so insecure about myself if i caught my fella emailing other girls asking them to come over and i certainly would not put up with this.
But if your happy enough to let him have his fun and trust him enough that it will never go further then flirty emails then go for it but like the other aunts said do not expect the fact that you are married to change anything or stop him from doing this
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A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (12 March 2009):
 I agree with the other aunt. I hope you don't expect this to change once you two are legally married! If he is doing this, and knows you know, and knows it bothers you, but keeps on, you have a big problem! One that should be addressed *BEFORE* a walk down the isle.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (12 March 2009):
 I think u are in denial. None of this will change after marraige.
Trust is huge in a relationship and if u don't have that u don't
Have anything. If u could accept marrying a big flirt then go for it.
But don't expect him to change. He is who he is. Love it or leave it.
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