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male
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anonymous
writes: HelloI divorced some seven years ago and have had a hard time coming to terms with this as I suffered a breakdown quite soon after, in fact it has taken up until recently to really get over my ex wife. In terms of new relationships I have really found it hard to form a close relationship with other women and although I have been lucky enough to have had several short term relationship since my divorce I find myself getting to a point in these relationships where I decide that they are not for me and end it, which I have put down to my experience above.I have now met a lovely lady who has made me feel completely different and I have quickly fallen in love with her. As we live quite far apart we can only see each other at weekends.The problem is that she has a Male friend who she is very close to, she spends a lot of time with this chap at his home and going out together and he has close links with her family ect. We have discussed him together and I have tried to be understanding as to how she feels about this chap and his role in her life particularly when she was single and she assures me that they are just good friends and nothing else.He was forming a close relation ship with other women and she was going to move in with him at which point we both agreed that that would partially remedy the situation, however they have now split up and as a result my new partner has been spending more time with him as he is obviously feeling down. They have also booked to go away together over Christmas( before I met her) and she has invited me but I have declined because I would not feel comfortable.I have asked her to let me know her feelings if she was in my position and I had a close female friend and she has told me that she would not tolerate it and understands how I feel. Therefore we decided that we would not talk about him but its particularly impossible to as he forms such a large part of her life and we find our conversation curtailed as soon as his name is mentioned which is uncomfortable for both of us.I am trying to be adult about this situation and be understanding, however I think that long term It would just drive me mad and I wonder if this is another relationship that I will have to end . Am I just being insecure or irrational or can someone help me resolve this problem as I really love this lady.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2005): My girlfriend told me her "friend" was only a friend for the longest time. She told me there was nothing between them, nothing at all and that he had been there for her asa friend.Then one night I got her very drunk ,and she admitted that she and her friend were actually "f^^k buddies" for years. THey were doing it as often as a couple of times a week until he found a girl.
A
female
reader, Mirabell +, writes (6 December 2005):
 There are many factors to consider in terms of opposite sex friends:1. How long have they known each other? If it is less than 3 years or so, he is probably still trying to sleep with her, diminishing the level of understanding you have to exhibit when being confronted with their friendship2. Have they EVER hooked up? Odds are she won't tell you the truth, but if they have slept together, that is a red flag. If they have hooked up (kissing, anything) within the last year and a half or so I would assume there is more than meets the eye going on here.3. How does he talk to her? Start noticing if he is on her side or your side when he talks to her. I know my real male friends because when I have a boyfriend, they are sometimes on his side. The ones that just want to get in my pants make him sound like a monster every time.If all three flags are red, he wants her. And if she spends that much time with him, he will get her.If not, he may just be her close male friend. In that case, I suggest hanging out with him. There must be a reason that she likes him. I'm sure there's a way you could get along, just as you do with her female friends.
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A
female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (6 December 2005):
 This lovely lady needs to put her relationship she has with you and this other guy into perspective.He seems to be spending more time with her than you are.There comes a time when one has to place friends where they need to be, and that is certainly not in your face all the time, drowning out the lover in your life.You have had to take a back seat for this friendship she has with him, and you need to adress this with her.As for the pre- arranged xmas trip ... inviting you to join them together is just so wrong.. she needs to get real and stop treating you this way. She herself said she would not accept you having a close female friend in the same situation, yet she expects you to put up with this?? This lady wants her bread buttered on both sides... and she's making a fool of you in the process.You have to draw the line somewhere...
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