A
female
age
41-50,
*mbrosia26
writes:Hello everyone, I am so grateful for this wonderful site and would really value your advice on a new contact I have made. I will outline my question and then maybe you well meaning folk out there can tell me if I need to be worried or not. I'm a young very attractive woman author and yes, you guessed it I have a solitary life being widowed. Recently I joined a good online dating agency for the discerning. I've done this before and been stung thankfully now I am more savvy, but I have met someone new who confuses me. Here we go. This person contacted me before Christmas but warned me he thought he was bad for me. I am a monogamous, kind and nice person and my friends tell me I am basically wasted alone. I love the idea of marriage and a wonderful man but it's not so easy connecting in solitary professions these days. Anyway, this man told me he liked my lovely personality more than anything and for once he did not rate me just by my looks, I am told I am very pretty for my age but I always seem deeper meanings to people and personally I value the soul and personality. This man was exceptional and everything I dreamt of. We gelled on intelligence, shared writing loves, arts and music and spirituality. Yes, I know it sounds too good to be true. At this point he asked to meet within a week of meeting me and since I had no offsite email detail or phone details on him I said no. I am well aware of privacy but I would not meet someone blind, that is not without some telephone communication or getting to know them better beforehand, that smacks to me of leaping into very hot water indeed. I will never date cold so to speak. What would happen if I vanished and had no details of this person - right I would be considered mad. Anyway, I told him I thought maybe I was not for him and he should look for someone else. He still would not define why he thought he was bad for me exactly. In due course he came back and things had changed. He said he liked me more than anyone else and wanted to take his time getting to know me properly, that he thought I was one in a million. Yes, I am a writer and live in an imaginative world but a few alarm bells rang. From his flowery way of writing I wondered if he could be a romance scammer. He told me he lived in the south I won't say where in case he reads this and clicks with my message - suffice to say though it was sketchy and he was in a sketchy job. Very well educated but sort of doing this and that, consultancy, creative and training - not being specific with any of it. Yes, we are now in July. I was happy with this online romance, have been enjoying it but have kept emotions in check. I have to say this man is gorgeous and would suit me perfectly but my intuition is niggling me.He has openly told me about past relationship, dreams and lifestyle but never actually detailed his work. He has also not specified the locality of his ex-wives of which he has had 2 and one very damaging relationship which he says has made him cagey with women. Well, I can agree with that I have had those kind of contacts too. Suddenly overnight though he takes off for a contract up North, there was no talk of this before he went, no lead up and it was very sudden. This was over a month ago. I have had no specifics on what his job entails, what kind of contract it is. Just that he is in temporary accomodation. He has made a brief mention that at some point he might like me to visit but it's only been mentions and no plan or nothing concrete. Of course I would have to really consider carefully before I visited. All details are sketchy and he is only writing to me at lunchtimes which seems at variance with someone in digs. I have strange feelings. What does he do all evening in a strange place? He is not around to write, neither is he in the morning. He nearly always writes at lunchtime and only once a day and constantly gives undying professions of love and will I be faithful. He says he has seen his children up there so does his one wife live up North? I have no details on this. Could he possibly be seeing her on more than a friends basis and stringing me alone. He has not offered me his tel. number in all this time, strange for a man after all this time as all my dates have wanted to speak to me at some point and I with them, especially after all this time. I now wonder if he is perhaps secretly married and has been trying to mislead lead me in some kind of romantic cyber relationship and yes it has been romantic. Professions of undying love from him are constant, that I am his destiny and yet no concrete signs of him truly wanting to meet or get to know me. It is almost like some kind of fantasy. I am feeling tired of it now since it is dragging on and wonder if anyone has any insight. If this sounds too dodgey I would rather cut and run despite how much I like him. I am sane, normal and reasonable and being mature I do not want a broken heart once more. Your comments are truly valued, thanks.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 July 2012):
 I think he's married, it's the only thing that explains his behaviour...married and unable to commit to you.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (14 July 2012):
 Life doesnt have to so complicated and dating someone certainly shouldn't be this complicated!
If it was me I'd stop contact and start looking for someone nearer to home. I know you've invested a lot of time in this guy, but why risk wasting any more?
I believe that with Internet dating, it best to meet up as soon as possible. You don't even know if you're going to like this person face to face, or of he'll like you! It HAS to get to get past that stage or you're both simply wasting time.
To be honest, it sounds very much like he's and putting off meeting you ... and he can keep doing that because you're waiting patiently. You're a good person. Your idea of coming down heavy on him is not being heavy at all, it's just being assertive. Only he knows what's holding him back, but I am seeing red flags.
You sound like a lovely and intelligent woman and I'm sure you can find someone/ something less complicated than this. And yes, you do have to be careful with meeting people via online dating but the whole idea is to meet someone (not be pen pals!). Just take the necessary precautions, but with the next guy you strike up conversation with I advise that you arrange a date sooner rather than later.
All the best and I hope things work out for the best.
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A
female
reader, Ambrosia26 +, writes (14 July 2012):
Ambrosia26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really want to thank you all for your answers. Of course I'd been thinking a lot of these things myself but we're funny aren't we and we like to have someone else confirm it? I do have to say this man has been very open in tellng me loads about his life. But those important things us girls want to hear like where exactly someone's working, what they're doing and where their family are are so important in forming a reliable picture. I have yesterday heard again. Having read all your words I wrote and came down a bit heavier asking for just a word or two on his job and what he was actually doing, whether he intended coming back down south nearer to where I lived at the end of his current contract and if his kids actually lived where he now was? The response was cool and not the usual friendly tone. No answers just the fact he now had iffy internet connection and couldn't now write as often as he wanted so would answer me later. He still felt the same etc etc.....I am stuck, it is such a long way to go and meet this guy for coffee being miles away. If he lived closer I would of course. I am so confused and wonder why he never asked about meeting again before he left for the North since then he would have known if he liked me enough anyway to carry this on. Alarm bells ring since he still will not disclose the important points and I would have thought having iffy internet he would want to give me his phone number more than ever now, but won't give any sensitive contact details. Yes, we have to be careful about internet contacts, but I feel after all this time and with the distance involved, any couple should have some trust. Anyway I valued all your comments so much and they were all useful. If you have anything to add it would be cool for me to hear it. Isn't life complicated :)
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (12 July 2012):
 How can he declare his undying love for you when he's never met you? Very strange! You never know what someone's like until you actually meet them. I think it's probably time for you to move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I think you are very right to have your guard up.\
The only contacting you at lunch time... well I do a lot of work at work.. BUT, no phone number, no details, it's been going on a while...
I would cut and run.... yes I would... he does not sound like a good bet...
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 July 2012):
He professes undying love for you but hasn't told you where he lives or given you his number?? That is very dodgy indeed.
You seem like a lovely romantic kind understanding woman who is won over by beautiful words and as a writer you will be familiar with those...what man would not want to spaek to you or imagine himself with you...the fact is that this man has had your attention for 6 months and more...SIX MONTHS and still no phone conversation or number...why do you think he was on a dating site if he had no intention of dating??? It's a bit odd isn't it.
I think aunt cmarieky is spot on...he's involved with someone else, maybe married and unfulfilled and is using your attention to casually fill the space.
This does not diminish you as a person, in fact it shows how kind open and honest you are to have gone along with it. He's telling you he loves you because perhaps he cannot tell his wife/partner...perhaps he just needs to say the words to someone who will listen but with no hope to follow through because he is attached (that is why he is telling you he is bad for you...because when you find out the truth he can say 'well I did try to warn you'
If I loved someone with all my heart and I really meant it and I was free, I would crawl over a mile of broken glass and swim through a shark infested sea to reach them...
You have to ask yourself why, in six months, he hasn't at least picked up the phone?...Do you really buy his excuses?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 July 2012):
It is certainly sounding odd, but don't you think it might be worth asking him for his phone number and speaking to him, even meeting up with him, before writing him off? Maybe he's waiting for you to offer your phone number/ ask him for yours so as not to seem pushy? He was rebuffed when he suggested meeting up the first time round (not unreasonably, but it might be holding him back anyway).
As for only emailing at lunchtime, it sounds as if he's writing to you in his lunch hour and doesn't have internet access at other times.
But ..... I am very wary of people professing such strong feelings before meeting up in real life. And it doesn't fit in with the lack of actual progression. Maybe, as you say, it's just a fantasy to him and he doesn't want to (or can't) act on it.
I would push it along a bit and see what happens. Ask him for his phone number. See how it goes on the phone. You might get more details about what he's doing job wise and get a better feeling about what's going on. Nothing ventured etc.
On the other hand, if you are having strong instincts telling you to drop him then you should listen to them. It's a toughy!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 This man sounds very intriguing to get your juices flowing but not good enough if you are looking for a life time mate. You will not have your heart broken because you already had your emotions in check. You will just be unsatisfied and will cut it off sooner or later. Your curiosity of him is not really not worth your time. Having soulful connection and a practical goal are equally important. Everyone has an internet connection and if you don't see how it would work out for you two to be together it will remain mostly an internet connection. Liking art is good, but when you are looking for a mate online, his ability to commit should take more priority than his ability to appreciate fine arts and spirituality.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (12 July 2012):
I'm with you OP this character's behavior does sound sketchy. I caution you to listen to your instincts, they're there for a reason and are being triggered for good reasons. Listen to them. He hasn't given a definite answer to when you can visit nor has he offered his phone number in all this time. He only contacts you around lunch hour. I will take a stab at this one. He's a guy in a relationship, looking to fill some void in the relationship. He can't give u any phone numbers....work, home, or cell bc you may call at an bad time.....say while he's with his family. I would definitely let him go. It's too suspicious. And u don't want to start anything with a person with whom u have doubts. Best to start the process again but with a person more open and honest.
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