A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am concerned that I am choosing to marry someone out of guilt and poor self confidence. I recently got engaged after I dated her for three years long distance. She is almost 40 living on on the other side of the country with her parents in a small town a short distance from where I grew up and where my parents live. I have tried to break up i the past a handful of times only to end up making up and investing myself further into the relationship. Her business, a ballroom dance studio, does not make a sizable profit but its something we both share a passion for. I work seperately for the government on the other coast but have been dancing for over 10 years now. It seems as if there is always something that happens whenever I feel as though it is time to end the relationship such as a health problem with her mother or the exhaustion from keeping the distance affair going gets in the way. I have had to invest more each time I have decided to make up with her because I am worried that she will fall apart and also because I may as well. I've felt more vulnerable now that I am over 40 which has hurt my self esteem more than it already was hurt prior to meeting her. Having had a horrible break up 5 years ago from a woman I truly loved I gave up on dating women where I live to be with my hometown girlfriend who is sweet as pie and my biggest fan. I cant tell if I am doing the right thing because i am not sure if the distance makes her so needy all the time or if she truly is possessive or if its me. She knows I cheated on her a year and a half ago but hung in there with me when I apologized and gave me a second chance. We are on fourth chance or so based on my separate requests to end it but then doubling back. She is a good person but I always seem to be looking at other women who are less giving. Shes always buying me things and doing more for me in the relationship it seems. If its right should I be wandering so much? Shes the hometown girl with the same passion, and seems to always be in my corner and does things for me so whats wrong with me? I just cant seem to stop looking at younger attractive women.
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affair, confidence, engaged, long distance, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (25 March 2010):
 It sounds to me that you know that this is not a relationship that you really want to be in and that you are looking for some validation to do what you know is right.
I don't think anyone should ever stay in any kind of relationship out of guilt. That is not the basis for a healthy relationship. Eventually that guilt is going to turn to resentment. Basically it's a relationship that's doomed to fail.
You've tried breaking up with her numerous times and keep coming back. Is that out of guilt or loneliness? Either way, there is something there that is not working for you.
You need to talk to her honestly and you need to decide exactly what it is you want and need from this relationship and whether or not she provides it. It may well be that she gives you everything you need, but that there is still something missing. Life is like that sometimes, but if you are not truly into the relationship don't marry her. It;s not fair to you and her. Do you think she, or anyone, for that matter would want someone to be with them out of guilt, or for any reason other than love?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): It seems to me that you have a good woman here and one who shares your main passion in life, dance.
That is a great match for you don't you think? So you stare at younger more attractive women, well that means you are male not that you aren't in love.
You have been crossing the country to be with your hometown girlfriend, that has to be a pretty special woman to make that kind of an effort.
You know love is not a feeling....what you say? It isn't a feeling? Nope, where most people fail in relationships and marriages is to base their relationship on that feeling of being in love, of falling in love. That is just the honeymoon stage of a relationship where mostly infatuation and lust is playing a major role as well as a lot of projection. When that period ends and we realize the person we were once so in love with is human just like us and has needs of their own and opinions of their own that don't always agree with ours, we become "dissapointed". But is at this stage of the relationship where real love can begin.
If your girlfriend is a good match for you, I would hate for you to walk away from this only to find another butterflies in the stomach relationship with someone who is a much poorer match for you and you end up realizing you made the biggest mistake of your life.
If you think you are just settling and she isn't a good match for you, then yes break up with her.
No one can decide this for you. But ask yourself if you are unwilling to give up the fantasy of romatic love? Because you don't have real and lasting love until you make a decision to be committed to a person and to a relationship and you are willing to extend yourself for your own and another's spiritual growth.
IF you aren't capable then you are not ready for real love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): You need to think about what you really want. Its not worth wasting time in a relationship that your not sure of and plus your jeopardinzing chances of you finding the right person for you. The last thing you want is to be unhappy in a marriage or having a troubled marriage when it could have been avoided in the first place."Let her go" she will get over it and so will you. Don't underestimate yourself, you got over the ex girlfriend you claimed you loved so much.
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A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Hi, it sounds like your not truly in love with your girlfriend or you would not have any doubt if marriage was right for you both. You may be apprehensive but you wont have doubt.Its not a step that should be taken lightly and you need to be 100% sure of it before you get yourself into it and doing it for the wrong reasons will probably make you unhappy later on in your life.Ask yourself this question, if those emotional problems / guilt feelings were not there with this woman would you still be with her?You should find your own answer, take time to think about it, years if you need to.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 March 2010):
 I think "settling" for someone in marriage is the one of worst mistakes a person can make and lots do exactly that. Marriage is tough enough with someone you are deeply in love with let alone with someone who just seems convenient. Unless you are 100% sure she's the one, don't tie that knot. In all fairness to her you probably should cut her free so you both have a chance to find the right person. They are out there it's just a matter of time. Good luck.
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