A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm having a big issue in my life. I got engaged at the beginning of 2006 with my fiancée who's been with me since 2004. I'm 28 and she is 23. Initially in 2006 when we got engaged things went great..it was refreshing for our relationship…it jumpstarted exciting things ..a big upgrade from our gf/bf status, we were totally in love and planning the wedding together was amazing. Recently we both got new jobs in another big city...this was a big move for us so we decided to move together from our little college town and relocate. After starting my new internship a couple months ago I met some really great people at my work. .I never told them about my personal life therefore they no one at my office knew I was engaged or taken. I started hitting it off really well with one female coworker who was so intriguing to me and had the same tastes as film and music as I do...(note: my fiancee also has the same interests as well) but somehow this girl was just so brilliant and different that I became good friends with her during the workdays. We spent 9 hours a day together, ate lunch together and had really great conversations. She showed me around the city and it was so exciting to be in a big new city with someone new to talk to. After my internship ended I started a new job but i continued to hang out with her after work 1 or 2 times a week...we were always strictly friends and never flirted or hit on each other. Finally 2 weekends ago we went to an out of town concert together and out of nowhere we started kissing and holding hands. We both agreed we liked each other and to remain friends but not get involved in a relationship (which included no sex or anything intimate like that). Now mind you I was hanging out with this girl completely behind my fiancée’s back. I would always use the excuse I was out working or staying late with co-workers. So I’m very confused right now...It is exciting to be hanging out with a "new" girl but the same time the passion in my existing relationship is dying..and I love my fiancee..she is beautiful, smart and hilarious. The way my past relationships have been is I always get "comfortable" and then the relationship just get boring to me. I always start out intense and once I “score” the girl I get stuck in a 2+ year relationship that I eventually just let die. That is how a lot of my past relationships ended...with me just finding a replacement...but this time it's different..i'm engaged to someone at one point I thought i would never find anything better... which makes me feel horrible.We have been on rocky waters for the last month as far as intimacy goes..she complains that there is no passion in the relationship..and we act like "best friends" more than anything..but the weird thing is that I’m not looking to have sex or be passionate with anybody else. I just really enjoy the companionship, the thrill, the holding hands with the "new" girl...even when I have a feeling even if I did end the engagement and decided to pursue a relationship with the new girl it wouldn't work out..she's 22 and I’m pushing 30 in a few years...but then you never know what could happen in the future? sigh. so I guess I’m trying to figure out what I want. I’m hoping this is a phase and I’ll just get over it ..drop the new girl and get back on track before the wedding in a year.Anyways thanks for reading..any help will be nice. i know I'm a horrible person but I need advice to make things right. I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): my girlfriend and i have been together for four years. recently we split up because we can't seem to agree on anything. i recently found out she was interested in a guy 8 years younger than her. that she was basically cheating on me with him. i felt my heart being ripped out of me. she told me it wasn't to hurt me. but at the same time she felt it was. also it wasn't a sexual thing. she has fun and its more of a feeling younger thing. i'm only a year older than her. she seems like she wants to stay with me. even though she keeps talking to the other guy. i don't want to demand she stop because i feel i'll be forcing her to look at me as controlling. i've been on both sides of this sort of situation. i had asked her before why she was becomming so distant and wasn't able to get answers. now that i know whats up it seems to be driving me crazy. but i still feel we really do have a chance. i really do believe its something about new and exciting passion. but its the same he's not really interested in her at least not in a long term relationship way. although he's asked her to spend some time with her and she agreed. now i'm wondering if he is willing to make a commitment will i be left in the dust. i know it would be better for me in the long run. i still can't help but feel like the old and used toy that was forgotten for a shiny new one. she says shes not even comfortable with him and not sure why she is interested. he told her he doesn't even want to be in a committed relationship. i know its all out of my control. i guess what i'm saying is your fiancee is the one you care about. maybe you should put everything you can into your real love life. the new girl she is unknown and challenging but at the same time if you let it get stale again which you probably would because you haven't broke the cycle. make an effort with the woman you love. it will be more rewarding in the long run.
A
female
reader, SCNY +, writes (16 June 2008):
I see that this post is old, but it helped me a bit to know that there are other people in very similar situaltions to my own....though most of them seem to be men. I am 30, female and struggling with my engagement. I find myself hiding my ring, telling people I'm still single, and worse....cheating.
I feel terrible, my family is starting to suspect something is wrong and I'm having a very large engagement party in less than 2 weeks. Ugh. Where is my happy ending?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Hey you know im on the same boat, and i hate reading this posts 'cause eveyone judges so hard. At least you are attracted to your fiance, but the only thing that gives me perspective is to sit there, and imagine my future with the person, i mean every single detail. Most relationships end 'cause of another player anyways, so YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. As a matter of fact, i admire you for questioning your life, and trying to fullfill it, unlike other people who settle for what they find confortable. I believe you deserve that spark and happiness, you only have one life. I am a nurse, and i see old ppl die everyday, and i think "did this person fullfill his/her life completely"? In the end, we all die alone, and on that death bed, as i watch them die, i always hope they had the courage to question and live to the fullest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): If you are feeling the need to stray, even if it is not physically but just emotionally, that is a sign that something is missing from your current relationship. Maybe you are afraid to end it because you are worried that you will never find a similar relationship/partner again. But if your current partner is not completely fulfilling you, you will always wonder if there is someone else out there who might better fulfill you, and you will always be driven to stray.
Take it from someone who has been married for ten years, had similar feelings during the engagement and has continued to struggle with them throughout the marriage: it doesn't get easier after you are married. What is missing in your relationship now will continue to be missing... Once you are married, have kids, etc., you will be even more conflicted. You will feel even more stuck because ending things would mean divorce/breaking up the family, or you will end up the cheating spouse.
You should think hard about your current relationship, and get premarital counseling. Not telling your fiance about your other "friend" and associated feelings will really be starting the marriage out on the wrong foot. Honesty is an essential basis of a successful relationship.
Good luck! But don't just settle because it's comfortable if you are not completely happy. Marriage is forever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): omg! I am in a similar situation, and I do not know what to do. I totally love my fiance, but this 'new' guy is exciting and I am 28 and he's only 21, ugh! I hope this is just a phase. Its been awhile since this post, was it just a phase?? Did you get caught or what?? How have you handled it??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): thanks everyone for the advice. your right about being "infatuated" i think that is my problem.. once i find something i like..i quickly focus all my energy on it until it burns up..what i really need to work on is how to refresh or renew what fire i use to have with my fiancee..the ironic thing is that she looks 10x better than she did even when we first met..so it's not the attraction that is missing. The funny thing is that the "office girl" wants nothing as far as a relationship goes cause she is too busy with her career to worry about a BF. So it is not like we are going to amount to anything more at this moment.,...but yet i'm still drawn to her! i'm so confused that i can't even properly concentrate on anything
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A
male
reader, PhilManco +, writes (31 October 2007):
 You say that you feel the need for a "new challenge" once you've "won" the girl. That's another way of saying that you're taking for granted what you have. Well, then why not give yourself the "challenge" of really knocking your fiance's socks off?
Believe me, impressing someone new isn't very hard. Long term relationships require MUCH more work. The rewards, though, are also MUCH greater. If you're looking for a challenge, I think you've found it. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (31 October 2007):
 You're putting your energy into this new woman, so no wonder your fiancee says there's no passion.
You're infatuated. It's always exciting. Once you burn through that (which you ALWAYS will, infatuation by nature can't last) you may not have the love for this new woman that you have with your fiancee.
Start putting your energy back where it belongs and make it work with you fiancee. If, after you really work on her and not on your new squeeze, you don't get back what you've lost, then do the woman a favor and let her go. She doesn't deserve the treatment you've given her behind her back.
Don't date the office girl until you're free of the other. Anything else just isn't honest.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): thanks philmanco.
i've been trying to do a lot of thinking...i agree that partly with the female anounymous writer below ..if i blow this engagement thing off and run to a 22 yr old..it's not even a a sure thing..i don't even think the 22 yr old is looking for a long term thing probaly..who knows..she is young.. i just need to take a step back and try to focus all my strengths to making the relationship i have now solid. we have discussed the loss of spark these past weeks..it's really all on my side it seems..i'm the one that always seems to be drifting...i always fall into this pattern every 5 years..i meet a girl and then do everything for them and once i get them I tend to start over again with someone else.
what is driving me to this other woman is that she is "new" and a challenge for me to try to win her over. this new girl has never had a real long term relationship because she is afraid to get "emotionally close" to someone. the fact that she is so complicated and different than my fiancee is what makes me attracted to her. I guess i want the challenge to be "the one" that actually gets to be close to her.
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A
male
reader, PhilManco +, writes (31 October 2007):
I'm going to disagree with "Female Reader, Anonymous" and say this:
If you're having these kinds of feelings, I DON'T think you should just brush them off and rush into your wedding. You need to really examine your situation RIGHT NOW. You probably need to discuss the loss of spark with your fiance. What's _really_ driving you to this other woman?
I would just hate for you to ignore a warning sign now and then decide that marriage is a mistake after the fact. That would be even more painful for EVERYONE involved. Now's the time.
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A
male
reader, PhilManco +, writes (31 October 2007):
No real advice, but some perspective. You're not a horrible person. You're human. Yes, you've betrayed the trust of the woman you love. The road ahead will likely be painful for you both. But, these things happen in relationships. If you were a "bad guy," I don't think you'd be here for advice.
Besides, it's better to confront these issues now, during the engagement, than after you and your fiance are married and/or have children together. Maybe some time apart from your fiance is called for? You don't need to be rushing in to marriage just because you're nearing 30 (so am I). It sounds to me like you're not really ready for that strong of a commitment--just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Well you are pretty matter of fact about all of this aren't you - very 'oh well'. You need to get a grip and quick because if your fiancee so much as found any evidence you have cheated (which is very possible) she could well drop you like a stone. Where would you be then? Wedding cancelled. So off you run to the 22 year old who has showed interest in you... trouble is... the spark will have gone because the hurt you have inflicted on your wife-to-be will make the whole thing turn sour. The solution - stop cheating right now. The only reason your relationship is becoming stale is because YOU are not making an effort - your energy is being invested elsewhere. Little miss 22 year old would be less than impressed knowing you have Little miss fiancee on the go too. Why make your life complicated? Why don't you decide how to make it brilliant and start building that future with the woman you already made a commitment to. Just one final point...how would you feel if your fiancee was doing precisely this behind your back?
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