A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I hope someone can offer some words as I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I suffer from retroactive jealousy and I have for the past year been working on it. Its a conscious effort and an ongoing process but sometimes, like today it can get too overwhelming for me to deal with. My problem arises from the fact that my partner has had a significant relationship before this one with me. I don't care that he had sex, or that he has a child but its the fact that almost six years ago he lived with a girl (and her daughter) for two years. They lived like a family unit, they went out, they shopped for food, she made meals for him, they shared the same bed, he loved her and she loved him. The relationship ended when she cheated on him on the net. He was left with a lot of debt and he is still paying it off to this day. I can't deal with this today. I have tried to change my thoughts, tried to meditate and even watched tv to distract myself but today, its all too much. I know it sounds illogical but I just cannot get over it. I can't even put this into words properly, I cannot even articulate what it is that I fel, only that I have made up pictures running through my head of them together in the bed that I share with him now. He is a wonderful partner: very trustworthy, loving etc and I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that he is over his ex.. However, right now I cannot reconcile the fact that he loved a woman just as he loves me. I also keep looking at her facebook page. I havent in over eight months but today I had to go back and see if she had changed her pictures etc. I look at her and I see them together and I can't take it. I just wish all of this would go away. Just give me something. Please.
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female
reader, I see!  +, writes (20 April 2012):
Just to reiterate what other's have written before me. Talk to your partner, tell him how you feel, and am sure he will respond with kindness and love. Also don't judge him now as you initially accepted his love and his past knowingly. If you can't handle his past at all, then leave this relationship and meet someone who shares your values which will be tough....as most single adults are these days sexually experienced.
Just remember if you meet a virgin... he may take a dislike to your sexual past and make your life a misery?!!
A
female
reader, LublyuYa  +, writes (11 August 2010):
I know how you feel, it is unbearably painful sometimes, but like I keep telling myself, first of all this was in the past, and second of all it was before he met you. Perhaps if he had met you earlier he would have chosen you from the very beginning, or maybe it was only this path that shaped him into the person you met and fell in love with. Either way though, you can't control the past, especially a past you weren't a part of. Just remember - you had an entire past before this man came into your life too! The less you think about it the better, and try harder to stay away from things like her Facebook page because you will be able to get over it easier without looking and comparing -- that will only hurt you more.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): hey i haven't got any advice for you but just want to say i do the same things and feel the same things as you. I too cannnot stop looking at my boyfriends ex's facebook profile and obsessing about what he loved about her, whether she is better than me etc. it's so destructive but very hard to stop. I hate myself that i cannot just have the willpower not to look.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): One thing no one has really mentioned...is sharing your feelings about this with him. I'm not saying you should break down in front of him or make yourself out to be neurotic over it...but since this is a genuine experience you are having, even if it is one you can ultimately get through and move past, maybe it is worth cluing him in to what you're feeling so emotionally struck with here...but in a way that lets him know you are hoping and trying to deal with it, to work through it. Hopefully he would try to do some small things to reinforce that he loves you and is committed to you and dispel these currently overwhelming worries. That might include getting new furniture, but also just small behavioral and verbal gestures.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): I don't know if your a believer in God. But I'm asking you to be one in this situation. You can't put a question mark. Where God has put a period. He let the past happen for a reason. The past will haunt you. Look for tomorrow. How can you make it a good day. . I had the same problem and that mindset helped me get through it
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (11 August 2010):
I wish i could help you! but it's hard for even myself to grasp. that it eats you up like that. he has moved on with you. why can't you just let it be that? he loves you and yes was at one time inlove w/ another woman! why aren't you happy for him if you say you love him then why would it make you sad to know someone treated him good and once loved him the way you do now. isn't that a good thing? you now have him in your bed and not just because hes in your bed! it's because that is where he chooses to be w/ you. you cannot erase that part of his life! stop driving yourself crazy. i think what you have is an obession not so much that he was w/ someone else but that it's like it belongs to you and no other. get some counseling if you want to move on? we cant help you you need to understand it and deal w/ it and find away to let go and be happy for the both of you. i always tell people to laugh it is such a warm good feeling inside think about it really laughing is so spiritural and up lifting you'll catch yourself and think wow that was good!
Best Wishes!
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A
female
reader, Faith'sSoul +, writes (11 August 2010):
I'd have to ask myself in this situation, "Would I still be so obsessed about his past relationships, if I was with someone else?" I think it sounds like you have to work out some of your own issues before getting too involved with his. Those are his issues not yours. Focus on yourself first and then figure out what type of relationship you'd like to have with someone.
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A
female
reader, wordsoffaith +, writes (11 August 2010):
 You know, I have feelings like that sometimes too. My boyfriend was engaged to this woman and I can only imagine the things they did together, but what you need to remind yourself is that it was all in the past, and when you start thinking about it, find something to do that you enjoy to get your mind off of it. Or start thinking about what you two do together. Focus more on you and him being together, other than him and the other woman being together. Good luck, hope this helped a little.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 August 2010):
 I think maybe he isn't for you. Too much baggage for you to handle. Nothing wrong in admitting that.
But if you want to stay with him you need to look at the picture as a whole. PUT yourself in his shoes.
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A
female
reader, kayjaydeex +, writes (11 August 2010):
i think what you need to think about , is why he left her and why hes with you, maybe its because he knows he can trust you and knows he can spend his life with you , theres no point dwelling over the past because its been and gone , shes not in his life no more and you are and seeing as six years have gone by im guessing he loves you a great deal more than he loved her otherwise he wouldnt be with you now xx
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A
male
reader, Booshfan1 +, writes (10 August 2010):
You have no need to be jealous of her, in fact she should be jealous of you. You are the one he loves now not her just focus on YOUR relationship with him. When he was with her I bet he could have done alot better and now he has :-). I hope this helps you.
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A
female
reader, Sarah18 +, writes (10 August 2010):
You shouldnt compare yourself to her, you are completely different people in different stages of his life.
everyday we learn something new and go through experience that change our lives that little bit more, your partner loves and cares for YOU in this moment, and his past makes him who he is, and is able to appreciate you more for it and share his life with you.
In every relationship there is a feeling of jelousy, its a part of human nature to want him to yourself, his past included.
But you should try and stay clear of facebook and anything that reminds you of her, thats a different part of him that you have to accept and try and let go. but remember that it is part of him making him who you love today and how your paths collided.
Dont compare yourselves, as youll always feel worse coming from it, but there is no need to, you are your own worst critic. what matters is He loves you and wants you only.
I wish you all the best :)
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