A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is 16, and she came out as lesbian during the pandemic to us, in May 2020 when she was 15. We've no issue with her sexuality.What the issue we feel we're struggling to help her with is finding a partner, as she's asked us for help with dating.She's told us she's a "very camp girl who's flamboyant and feminine as can be" and that she's only attracted to feminine women, so dating butch women obviously wouldn't work since they prefer to dress more masculine.She's always been interested in fashion, but equally is also into cars, told us she would hate it if people thought she was a butch lesbian because of that.She told us she identifies as lesbian, not queer, says that queer just sounds odd as a word to use, she also said it means odd in the dictionary too.She claims that some people still think lesbians are just butch-looking women with spiky hair and masculine clothing, when it's obviously not the case.She told me she's got difficulty in finding a partner who would appreciate her for being herself and flamboyant.To be honest, I'd only ever thought of camp being used to describe men, not women. Is it true camp can be used to describe women?My daughter is asking for help and to be honest I understand nothing on lesbian dating and she doesn't know much either.Is she wrong to have worries about being camp etc.?We know little on LGBTQ issues, and our area doesn't have much for LGBT people, it being a town for either young families or retirees, so where to get help on this is the issue.Me and my daughter have an excellent relationship.What me and my husband can do, we don't know, which is why I've wrote in for help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2021): Irrespective of sexuality i dont really think it's your place to help your daughter with dating. That is something she will have to explore herself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2021): I found out that a lot of boys these days are very laddish and engage in ridiculous behaviour like dry-humping in the class room when the authority figure is out of the room.
They are it was all in good part, just a bit of boyish humour and so on.They enjoy being the centre of ribald attention for a few minutes. Somehow their status as boys improves in their peer group for this bizarre behaviour.
Well, if you are a sensitive female who doesn't want to be the butt of 'ladish' boys then it's natural for girls to want to dissociate from boys and seek only female company regardless of their sexual orientation.
Also boys get busy making their fictitious lists of who they have had anal, oral, or any other kind of sex with.And who they would like to have sex with.
Then they advertise loudly round their groups joking about who is available for what.
I think it may have been more respectful in the past.
These days everyone has access to porn and boys are growing up with some oddly manufactured beliefs.
I think they become more genuine after age 21 yrs or so.
Things girls do to 'have fun'..they watch films at each others houses and have pizza parties and sleepovers and so on.
They don't treat these events as an opportunity to get sexual with each other.
So I agree she just needs friends for now.
Ask about her day and who she talks to and how the boys behave.
Also how the girls get on with each other and suggest she defers dating until she is older.
Does she have any male friends who don't assume she is 'up for it!'
Quite a lot of boys are little angels around their mother's and little horrors around anyone else.
Some never grow out of this behaviour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2021): Helping a daughter or son find a partner is odd - unless you are famous and rich and have to fight off the no hopers and gold diggers who bang on the door. The the rest of the world your daughter is nothing special, no more special than anyone else they usually know or speak to. If she is grown up enough to date she ought to be grown up enough to find a partner on her own too. Some are married and/or with kids living in their own place at her age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2021): Does your daughters school have a gay straight alliance club??My daughter's did and she joined that.If not maybe she could start one? You can not find her someone...She has to do that on her own.For now tell her to get good grades so she can go to uni.It will happen tell her but this is just something you should not do.Teach her how to be more independent so she can handle being an adult in a few years.Please do not do everything for her...let her grow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2021): Hey, mom! Don't fly the rainbow flag just yet! She's a bit young!
You're a parent, and telling a parent not to be concerned for the happiness of their child is like telling them not to breathe.
In answer to your question about the word campy, it is more of a generic reference; but applies mostly to gay-men, who put on a sassy effeminate-persona. It's also used to describe a flamboyant female-character in theatre. That's how you correlate the terms. To refer to a lesbian as "campy," is a little out of context; but not completely wrong. She prefers "lipstick" lesbians, who like makeup and fashion. LGBTQ+ lingo is versatile and tricky; but if you use the wrong terminology in the wrong circle, you'll be eaten alive for being a novice or a poser. Not everyone who claims to be a lesbian is a lesbian; not everyone who claims to be a gay-boy is gay; but may be a girl or boy going through a phase, until they're mature enough to know for certain. It's best to let her mature just a bit more; before you start marching in the gay pride parade wearing your "I'm A Proud Gay Parent" tee-shirt.
She's a little young to be so decided on her sexual-orientation, or on dating for that matter.
Speaking from experience, let me tell you a little about the gay community. It's hard enough dealing with her peers in-general; regardless of her presumed sexual-orientation. People are a little "fluid" in our final-stage of puberty. You can crush on a guy, or a girl. Kids watch a lot of TV, and receive a huge amount of exposure to social media; so it's best to let nature take its course. Pushing her into gay-dating so soon; before she's psychologically ready to handle rejection, and cliquish-behavior, is setting her up for God only knows what(?). Let her find her way, don't rush it. Let it be slow and deliberate. She has to learn to interact with all kids. Remember, not all parents are so liberal. What's okay with you, may not be so okay with the parents of some girl she's attracted to. If she happens to meet somebody, it's better that it's by chance. You can't force or rush-it!
She has to go through a few bumps and over some humps to get her emotional-bearings, and to thicken her skin; like any other kid her age. Love doesn't appear on-demand, gay or straight!
Not everybody is out there flaunting their "gayness;" or shouting it from the rooftops. It's best she learns that now, for her own safety. She'll meet somebody when it happens. Regardless of your sexual-orientation, meeting someone is a matter of timing. Being attracted to someone, and their wanting to date you, is a matter of chance or choice. They may not be as into you, as you are into them. They may like you today, but not as much tomorrow. Is she ready for that? Things in reality are not as portrayed on TV! Being gay at home, and being gay in the world; are two entirely different things.
She's still referencing her sexual-orientation like it's the latest fad, or what's the coolest thing in pop-culture. I smell a social media influencer somewhere in our midst. That's an indication she's still figuring it out. She may still be in her experimental-stage before being decided as to what gender she's attracted to. She thinks she knows, maybe for the moment; but not know for certain if it's entirely her true nature. If she is a virgin, you don't know how, or what kind of sex you like; until you've had it. That's the deciding-factor.
You accept her for who she is, and that's good enough. Let her develop as you would any other teenager. Don't go overboard trying to prepare the way for her. She has to learn something about entitlement, and how nature really works. Most gay-people aren't ready to deal with our sexual-orientation; until we've reached full-maturity. Society put's-on a face of acceptance, and fake-tolerance; but there are secret-homophobes waiting in ambush. You have to reach a level of psychological-maturity to deal with your own hormones; then realizing that the people we are most attracted to, may not even be gay. Just because you're both gay, doesn't necessarily mean you're gay for each-other.
If she can't find anyone, she'll have to settle for finding friends who let her be herself. She is really too young, and hasn't faced heartbreak yet. Give her time, and trust nature to fill-in the blanks; and allow chance to fulfill its role, as life naturally plays-out for everyone.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 November 2021):
 I agree with Kenny,
She IS only 16, there is no rush to "find her a partner".
As for her "chosen labels" I wouldn't worry. It's a thing. Those may change over time. They may not. To be frank, I think they are ridiculous. (the labels) I have 3 daughters myself and have heard all about them, though I'm sure there are now 500 more than last year.
I think the reason this label thing has so much traction with the teens (especially) is that it's a way to make themselves feel special. And they think if EVERYONE and EVERYTHING has a label you can just figure people out in a snap of a finger. As an adult you know that is not how it works, but I digress.
Your daughter is who she is. Label or not.
LGBT people are just that, people. She will still have to navigate the "usual" social interactions all the other teenagers are going through. She just prefers girls over boys.
I would definitely NOT encourage online or dating apps. As she is 16. A child. Too many creeps and predators out there.
And while I get that many 16-year-old want to experience dating, she is more likely to meet someone through friends than she is through you guys.
Talk to her about, boundaries, consent, how to handle rejection, how to treat others and how to respect herself. Like you would, REGARDLESS of her preference in a partner.
Be open to listening when she wants to talk, vent, or ask for advice. And don't presume that because she is a lesbian that she is different from any other teenager new to dating.
Just love her, listen to her and guide her the best you can.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (15 November 2021):
 To be honest with regards to your initial question, helping your daughter find a partner i would say don't treat it any differently to if she was dating a male or female, dating is dating, a relationship is a relationship whether its two women, two men, or a male and female.
I don't think that you can necessarily help her find a partner, and at the tender young age of 16 why would you want to.
At the age its all about exploring, finding out who you are, what you want out of life and having harmless fun dating experiences. She has got to find her own way in life regarding dating, all all you can really do is be there for her, and try to offer the best advice that you can.
It could very well be given her age that in 6 months or a years time she may find that this path is not for her and might decide she likes guys.
Like i say, she is still very young, so just carry on as your doing, being there for her, supportive in her decisions, and carry on being the loving support network that you already are.
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