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female
age
51-59,
*anuary Doll
writes: I have been with my husband for over 13 years, married for over 6. We have had many challages but the past 2 years have been extremely difficult. I want children, he does not, this I did not know until after we were married. I have been a devoted, faithful wife, he is old fashioned beliefs and is not very affectionate, and we have communication issues. He does love me and we have a good, safe and stable life. I changed tremendously due to our challanges, and became a different person. I have begun realizing that I am not happy in the past year or so, and have started to become the person I used to be. About four months ago, I recieved an email from a old boyfriend from highschool. (we dated for awhile back then, but he was too sweet,I broke it off, this was over 16yrs ago) We began to talk daily almost immediately, at first it was friendly very innocent, but then it became more, we both opened up about our personal relationships, wants and needs, he revealed to me that he has always loved me, never forgotten, and feels were meant to be. We live over 90 miles from each other, yet I have seen him 5 times in the past two months, we spend hours chating and talking everyday. I long to see him, cannot get him out of my mind. I have not slept with him, but I have crossed lines that married woman should not have. My mother, sister and girlfriend in the last few months have all commented that I seem different and happy, my girlfriend even said, we have you back. They have told me to do what will make me happy.I am going to spend a night with my friend, I do fear I will cheat, I can not believe I would ever say that, but it is true. I want to tell my husband I am not happy I am thinking of leaving, I feel I have to try to work it out, but I do not know if my heart is there.I need help, I want to be happy, what do I do? I am afraid to leave and afraid to stay, My heart is being pulled, and I do not know what to do. How do you leave someone, do I have to give him a chance at couceling, or do I just think about me?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 March 2007):
Thank you for your response, sorry to have not replied sooner! Hopefully in this time you have continued to take councelling. It is good that you have initiated this, it will help you work through your own issues and help you really know yourself and what you want.
I would advise you to take everything as slowely and as honestly as possible. You don't need to make anyone any promises. Just go through this learning process, and as you go along you will know whether or not you want to choose to continue your relationship with your husband, whether you will choose to rather have a relationship with this other man, or choose neither. The most important thing is that you learn about yourself and what you want, because that is the best way for all of you to be happy.
It does not surprise me that things are harder than ever before. You will have to confront some of your fears and make really big decisions, neither of which you will want to face. Take your time and be brave. the more you get to know yourself and what you want, the more confidence you will gain to face your fears and make the best decision for you.
Good luck with everything.
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (14 February 2007):
 hi
i think the root of the problem was lack of communication in this marriage, he lived his selfish life and when you were mute about it he thought you were happy, only to find out you were not happy and doesnt have any energy left to make the marriage work.
i think it will be best if you guys get a legal seperation and work things out on your own first you seem to have a lot of issues so does he. right now you are not happy with him and doesnt have any hope that your marriage can improve and he is there everyday suffocating you and you are getting confused asto whether you should stay or leave, you are under a lot of pressure to make any objective decision about your life, so if u can move out to a place where you can think and be yourself it will help you and the guilt about this other man will go so that you can make a rational decision.
it will not be good for u to stay in a marriage because you feel he might commit suicide if u leave. he starting therapy its good. i think you can go to that marriage counsillor both of you while you continue with own therapy on the side there is no harm in doing that, if you are there together it is easy to understand each other and you will both know what the future holds for you both. it is not going to be easy but it will be good for you.
dont listen too much on what his or your friends and people next to you or him say because you will get more confused. this is the time to know who are your true friends and listen to what your insticts tells you so please draw the line.
the marriage is between you and your husband you are the one in pain, yes you appreciate what they are telling you because they are on your side but a true friend will help you to see both sides so that you dont end up confused like you are right now.
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A
female
reader, January Doll +, writes (13 February 2007):
January Doll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI need more help, I do not know if I should post it here or not, but my life is harder now than it was before. I have not stopped contact with the other man, I started seeing a phychologist for myself, my husband and I got into a huge arguement, a day later I stared a discussion, I admitted to him I was not happy, have not been for a longtime, confronted him on how he has been mistreating me, hurting me and making me feel, I told him he was severly depressed and needed to see someone, and I told him I am considering leaving and ending our marriage, because I can not live like this anymore. He was devistated, he said he did not realize any of it, He did not realize he was disrespectful, belittling, and hurting me. He has never showed me emotions before, he has been crying daily, telling me he loves me and wants to work things out, he went to a councelor the next day after our conversation, and swears he wants to change. I have never seen him like this and it does surprise me, but I still do not know how I feel about it. I have lost the love I should feel for my husband, I told him this too.He is overwhelming me trying to do everything right, and I am resentful that it came to this. Now keep in mind this has only been going on a week, and I am worried that this is just a phase and he will go back to the same way he was. He swears it is not, but I am not sure, I need to protect myself. At the same time this is going on the other man is too swearing to love me deeply, that it was meant to be and wants me in his life, I still think of him all the time, I feel more guilty than ever, I did spend more time with him, and it felt wonderful still. The other morning my husband woke me up saying I love you, and I responded I love you too, , I started to say the other mans name and stopped myself, I was muttering because of just being woke up, and do not believe my husband noticed, but it scared the shit out of me. I do not know what to do. I promised my husband not to give him false hopes, and that if I were to leave I would not just be gone one day when he came home, that I would be respectful, say goodbye and walk out the door, so that he did not have to continually have that fear of me just being gone one day. I am a strong enough person to do that, I realize it now. I do not think I can ever admit to my Husband about the other man, it would destroy him and he is I am afraid suicidal, if something were to happen like that I would not be able to live with myself. He now says he reaizes how severly depressed he is and wants to get help.So now, what should I do, my husband want me to go to a marriage councelor, but I told him we both needed to see someone seperatley to work on our own issues. I do not know if I can love him the way I should. All of my friends and the mutual ones that I have talked to feel I am in the right as far as wanting to be happy, they can not believe I have put up with it and stayed in my marriage as long as I have, and that they would have left. These are his friends saying this. So I am scared more so than ever, I little piece of me want to let him change and stick with it, I am skeptical and know it will take time but I am getting older and want children, but will not allow myself to have them with him unless I know I will stay in the marriage. I just do not know how much time I need to make these choices in my life. I do not know if I can find the love that a husband deserves and the attraction that should be there, but is not. I have made big steps, but can someone really change so much, things that he was raised with and has been doing his whole life. Any suggestion on what I should do or say?
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (16 January 2007):
Any time you need further advice, you are welcome. I am glad to hear you are considering councelling, I recommend it and have had it myself, and it is really great to help you work through a process. I just wanted to add one more thing:
Don't worry too much. Relax. Take a few deep breaths in, and remember that you are allowed to choose to be happy. You are allowed to make mistakes, becuase we can only make choices based on the amount of information and insight, and strenght, which we are given by life. Just be honest, and try to understand what you are going through, and the lessons learned, as best you can. Give yourself permission to follow your heart and be true to yourself.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, January Doll +, writes (15 January 2007):
January Doll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis weekend I did spend with my friend, I did not cross anymore lines and I did not sleep with him. I understand that by allowing us to see each other, hold me in his arms and share a kiss, that I have cheated. God that hurts to say that. But although I am ashamed, I have not lost all myself respect. I have been doing soul searching for months now. I think I am starting to face my issues head on. I will find coucelling for myself at the very least, for that is something I feel I need.
I am fortunate in the relationship I have with family and friends, for they have made it clear to me, even given the situation they will be there for me no matter what I decide. That really is a wonderful thing. I just hope I have the strength to make this deicisions while I still have my sanity.
My friend has told me that he is afraid that what we have is actually hurting me more than helping, be both know this to be true, and have admitted it to each other, yet neither one wants to say goodbye for now. I believe in the next couple weeks if not sooner, I will be working up the courage to stop it for now, I am know starting to understand "meant to be" and if I can really grap that. Then letting him go will be fine, because if it was meant to be we will find each other in the future, when I am in another time in life. He believes this strongly. I guess it is now up to me.
Thank you for your comments, they were wonderful, I needed to hear it. Unfortunatley I may need to hear more in the future.
Have you ever felt your heart beat so hard, and then tighten so that it hurt and you could feel the clenching, just by thinking about something as small as goodbye.
I know I am not a bad person, I know I have made some poor and hurtful decisions, I will try to make them in a better manner and with a clear head, no matter how difficult that may be.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (10 January 2007):
I would say that the first thing you need to decide is what you want to do with your marriage. This old boyfriend has sparked something in your life that has been missing, which is good, but before you run off with him you need to take a reality check.
1. You have a husband. Your priority is to decide what you want to do with him. Do you feel that some of this spark could be directed into your marriage, instead of towards this other guy, and if it could, would you want to? Do you want to work things out with your husband. If you don't believe there is any hope for your marriage, be honest about it and end it. If you do see some hope, if you were to be honest to your husband about how you have changed as a person, and how you would like your marriage to be, then maybe you would prefer to develope that possibility. Either way, the best way to do this is to start to communicate with him, or to seek councelling either on your own or as a couple, to get clarity on how you feel. This will help you make the best decision for you.
2. It's ever so exciting to be in a bored marriage and then have some guy come out of nowhere and light your fire so to speak. I would advise you not to just swing from one extreme to the other. With so much at stake, take your time to reach the right decision. With that in mind.....
3. Don't say you are going to spend a night with your friend and that you fear you will cheat. You have decided to spend the night with your friend because you WANT to cheat. You are just dying to get what you have been denied in your relationship. Allow me to be the first to say that is probably not the best way to go about things, if only because you stand to compromise your values and self respect. Make the decision about what you want to do with your marriage first. If you decide that your heart is not in it and you do end your marriage, there will be plenty of time for sex with this other guy, but sex is so much more rewarding when you don't have to feel dirty about yourself afterwards.
4. Don't live in fear. Be confident in who you are and what you want. Don't be afraid to give up your marriage if you decide that is right for you. And don't be afraid to try and save your marriage if that is what you want to do either.
5. You are not obligated to give your husband a chance at councelling. I would recommend councelling to help you make the best decision for you.
6. This new flame might be the best thing to happen to you. You might spend the rest of your life with him. You might try him and be single in 6 months. He might be the spark for you to repair and evolve your marriage to a greater success. Due to the future being unknown, I would recommend you take your time and do the right thing for you.
Remember, these bits of advice are just meant to be things for you to think about, at the end of the day, trust yourself and follow your heart.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2007): The question you really need to ask yourself is: do you want to leave your husband? Your 'affair' doesn't really come into it. He is just a symptom of the problem, not the cause. If you feel that you would not like to be married any more, and be free to pursue other relationships and lifestyles, then you should think about ending the marriage. There is no guarantee that you will be happier on your own, or indeed with anybody else. But that's a risk we all have to take sometimes; to go with the familiar or to strike out for the unknown.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (10 January 2007):
hi there
i was never married so i really dont know the easy way out, but i have an opinion or theory i can share with you.
i truly believe you are very unhappy in your marriege your whole post highlighted that so many times and its good that you do have some feelings you can express after all this years. although its not a good feeling at all.
i think the biggest mistake was marrying a man without the full knowledge of his hopes and dreams for a family, you wished to have a family package and he wished for a wife only and thats where you differ, unfortunately this a void that will never be filled on your side unless u leave him and look for someone with the same hope of a family package.
there is also lack of communication in this marriage its like you have built your own hut where you live alone talking to yourself, do things on your own, eat by yourself etc etc, my advice is start talking to your husband he might be inlove with you but i dont think we can say the same about you, your heart is not there and its like you dont have any energy to make it work, you can still try marriage counsiling but i dont know the reason for it because what u want is not in his list.
face your fears; take some time out and sort out yourself without him on your space and during this time dont be talking to your "potential bf" as well so that you can think objectively, if this is not a good idea, maybe u can try individual counsiling. good luck
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 You are doing everything backwards. And yes, if you've crossed lines, you have already cheated. Sometimes things in life don't work out, marriage being one. If you truly want kids, and you deserve this, then you have a right to leave. Be an honest person though. Why would you want to be so hurtful and devious? You say you haven't cheated yet. I'd bet your husband didn't know you were meeting up with this other man. If he did, I bet he didn't know your true feelings.
You will end this relationship with your husband and it will be your reputation that is tarnished. This relationship witht he guy from school is based on your unhappiness in the marriage. For him to write you and say he loves you is a little forward. He was saying everything you needed to hear and you fell for it.
You say you're going to spend the night with the guy and fear you'll cheat. If you really "feared" cheating, you wouldn't go. You want to cheat. That is the truth.
Stop what yo're doing and fix or end your marriage. Take the high road. Deal with things and the move on.
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