A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am separated from the father of my child, mainly because he was addicted to cocaine and abusive. I barely knew him when I got pregnant, he told me got me pregnant on purpose (he was 10 yrs older).Anyway we are apart and still going through court for visitation and what not. He went to rehab and thinks now that I will go back to him. But I never will because I am afraid of him and do not trust him. My question is this, I now have a new bf and am afraid of how he will react. He's told me in the past that he will never allow any man to be in his child's life. What is the best way to approach tellin him? I know he's going to be angry and vindictive regardless, but how might I mitigate that as much possible?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Further, if you have a computer, immediately backup any information and pictures from your Blackberry onto your computer, and get tracking on your computer, or fingerprint ID so if that is stolen you can find the laptop or keep someone from accessing your private information....
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (24 August 2010):
Ok, sorry to hear that, but lesson learned, don't leave you valuables in your car where they can be stolen, ever...I learned that a long time ago when my car window was broken and my stupid sunglasses I left sitting on the console at my health club were stolen, the reason for the theft. I NEVER leave anything in plain sight in my car, if I have no other choice I lock everything in the trunk, and I have a lock inside the trunk that I can set so it can't be opened inside of the car with the trunk latch, and I have that locked as well.
From now on, don't leave those kind of things inside your car, and if you park you car at home, clean out your garage if you can so you can park it safely inside the garage. You have to do these things when there is a stalker in you life.
Let us know how you get on with things. And good luck in court.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ohgetreal,
Again more good advice on this site, and yep, I did do the things you suggested like recording the conversations...
But guess what, 4 days ago my jeep was broken into and my GPS was stolen (which contains my bf's address and the babysitter's address which I had refused to give him when he asked for it), also stolen was my blackberry which had all the recorded violent and threatening voice mails and text messages...as well as pics of the bruises on my body, the burn on my childs hand (which she came home with after his first unsupervised visit) and the pics of the bag of cocaine I found in his truck. Funny thing, there was a Coach purse and Versace sunglasses in the jeep that weren't stolen.... So anyway, I have virtually no evidence for court.
The one good thing was that the police who I reported the theft to, also agreed it was probably him, but without evidence they couldn't do anything, but that did help in granting me a restraining order which I have. Tomorrow we go back to court.....wish me luck, and thanks to those of you, and the others who are trying to help with your thoughts on my situation...
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (12 August 2010):
I would start recording your phone conversations with him and keeping any emails or texts that are threatening. Also, start keeping a written record of his violations to the court ordered visitation.. I don't know what the family laws are in Canada, but I can tell you the system here is completely broken and I feel your pain and your fear.
If you can get enough evidence against him to show his violent tendencies you may be able to get full custody and his visitation rights revoked. If possible having evidence you could press criminal charges against him, possibly, depending on the courts there.
Perhaps not participating when ever he verbally attacks you or tries to talk about your boyfriend would work, either hang up or tell him that you won't talk to him when he is verbally abusive...tell him to call you back when he is ready to be civil. In other words, try to manage his attacks with indifference and calmness so he doesn't get the pay off of upsetting you.
Do you think he would harm your child? I also, would only agree to let him see the child if he meets you in a public place where you can drop him off, or better yet have a third party do the exchange. The less contact you have with him the less chance of an explosive reaction from him.
I agree the restraining orders are pretty useless, but I would still have one on file if his threats escalate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, it is exactly what I did do...have supervised visits at an access centre. But he was able to pass a drug test so the court approved his unsupervised visits now for 4 hrs a week.
Trying to find the right way to tell him about my new bf is not an issue anymore cause someone just told him. After calling me every hateful name like the c-word and loser, he says he is keeping the baby overnight and I can call the cops if I don't like it. This is just going to be a life of hell. I don't want police in my life, I want a normal life. I won't blame my new bf if he gets out of this situation while he can....
I used to think the worst kind of father was a dead beat, but it's not, it's a father whose abusive and wants complete control of you and your child and uses the child to get even with you. He is going to mess up my child no matter what I do and I fear he is capable of harming me or both of us. "Injuctions' or restraining orders help yes, but when he makes up his mind to harm me, waving a paper at him while he's attacking me is not going to stop him.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Since you have limited contact with your ex I don't see why you should inform him of your new partner - it is none of his business who you are dating. If he finds out and starts threatening you, get the police involved and file the court papers for an injunction. You should also ask your lawyer to ask the courts to arrange visitation at a family centre where your ex will be supervised. I personally would not wish for my child to be in the sole supervision of a former drug addict with violent tendencies. Everyone has the right to change and be accepted for having changed, but if you are in any doubt as to the safety of your child then don't allow access unless it is supervised. You are entitled to a life and some fun. Enjoy the new relationship as it may heal some of what has happened in the past.
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