A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I am a woman in her early thirties, and I think I have an addiction to chasing men. I know that many people will read this and want to give me the advice "just stop" but if it was that easy I would have done it a long time ago. I really want to change now. I have just come out of a long distance relationship which I ended. I ended it because it has become unsatisfactory for a number of reasons. Firstly, even though my boyfriend had wanted to marry me, and was planning on moving to be with me, he was a lazy communicator and would often 'forget' to call, didn't install skype. Secondly, he was a recovering alcoholic and still had the tendency to fly into nasty rages and say incredibly hurtful below the belt things to me. I started to sense I was in an abusive relationship and got out. The catalyst was a man I met while abroad who made me feel good about myself and in a moment of madness(?) I kissed him and came clean to my boyfriend about it. Even though he has actually slept with someone else before and then lied to me about it, of course this made me the evil one and the abuse got worse until I pulled the plug. The man I kissed is still here (I am an expat) for a few months. I don't want a relationship with him. I want to focus on my career and my phd. I want time to myself. But if I am honest, I am starved of attention and fun and would like some. I have told him I am single and we have had a kiss and he said he would see me soon. But even though all his friends tell me he likes me, he is not making any effort. I don't want to chase him. I don't want to chase another man ever again. But I am finding it torturous. My mum and my nan were in abusive relationships and I feel like I have been following their patterns of putting up with as much bad behaviour as men are willing to deal out. I just want to stop this addiction. It is becoming an obsession, and I realise that it is not about that person but about how I feel about myself. How can I make myself feel better, and not like I am constantly waiting for that email, text or phone call? I have deleted his number, I have made plans with girlfriends, I am keeping busy - but it is all making me feel drained and sad. Please help.
View related questions:
alcoholic, long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 I think your submittal "shows" that you view yourself as an "adjunct" or an "accessory" to a man...... That's not a terribly healthy position to give yourself....
Think about that... and whether or not you can adjust THAT "description of yourself".... meaning that you begin to look at yourself a a "whole person".... complete, WITHOUT having to have some man in the picture to have a complete picture, or description, of yourself....
ONCE you get to that point... you have a chance of breaking away from that complaint that you've voiced, herein, and an opportunity of getting on in life in a more balanced manner....
Good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): I think its just all in your mind. If you really wanted to stop chasing men, no one can really help you but yourself.How you think and what you think, controls you.if all your thoughts are just about them, most likely you will really feel like, wanting to be with them.But if you switch gear, get some rehab, (coz i really do think you need a rehab away from worthless men you met)In time you will realize that you really don't need someone who will just give you a headache.Give yourself a break. I agree with one of the advices given to you before me. focus on your career. it helps.It always works for me, I overwork, to the highest level, to forget the things that makes me sad.Its hard dealing with emotions, but you gotta do what you have to do, otherwise. never be afraid of letting go, no matter how you wanted something, if its not for you, Just LET GO and stop chasing. Most of all your an alpha female, you have a career, you travel the world, attracts men like a magnet, you shouldn't be dealing with this. Let men chase you.Why? your worth chasing for.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): First of all, your last relationship ended tragically. You invested a lot of emotion in that relationship, although it was long-distance. LDR's are gut-wrenching and laborious relationships that drain people. It takes a toll on you over time.I don't recommend them, I don't care what anyone says.You craved intimacy, while still pouring emotion into an empty vessel. That means a huge part of you hasn't healed. You beat yourself up emotionally. You sadistically allowed that bastard to verbally abuse and emotionally abandon you.You may feel that you need a man to validate you as a woman. Your fiance never fulfilled your most important emotional needs. You held on earnestly hoping that would change. You were desperate. You had low expectations.You were protected by the distance. Not contacting you was doing you a big favor. You could have been a victim of physical violence as well.You shut down a part of yourself in order to adapt to the most difficult type of relationship there is. Trying to love a person using mobile devices as your only real connection. There was a jerk on the other end. He didn't have a clue what type of woman you are, what you need, and he was too damaged of a person to even care.You settled, because you don't believe you deserve better.You don't truly believe there are men out there better than what you have found. So you set no emotional standard that he must reach in order to win you over. You take them as they are, and deal with whatever comes your way.You accepted text messaging and e-mails in the place of intimate talks. You starved for his emotional feedback, and his touch. He never exchanged any good emotions. He was a flashback to your father and grandfather. You relived the emotional agony of your mother, and her mother, with cold abusive drones. Misogynistic men void of human feelings. The only use those guys have for women is sex and bearing children, or housekeeping mother substitutes. So it isn't really just any "man." You aren't just "chasing" men. You are shaking down males for any sign of emotion you can find. You're on the rampage. You've lost it!You are seeking "love and affection" from men. You know it exists; but you don't know where to find it. It is the Holy Grail of emotional experiences for you. You are a woman of deep passion and capable of intense feelings. "Searching for love in all the wrong places." You've never had a positive male role model in your life; so you have no clue what you are really searching for.You've never met a man who has given you what you truly want from men. So you'll settle for a kiss, a hug, sex, or just his attention. With the hope that more may follow. It's like sucking the straw for the last drop of a drink in an empty cup. First, you need to get over your breakup before pursuing any further romantic interests. Control your compulsion to throw yourself at men. You are wrong to believe men have no feelings. You had an unfortunate childhood, where men were concerned; so there is a lot of work needed to change your mindset. That will also require some professional therapy.Meanwhile, healing is something you have to initiate on you own. You are on the rebound, and your intense emotion is also spurred by your hormonal changes. You are at your sexual peak, as far as women go in your age-group. That is between 30 and 45. There is a lot going on. So you need to regain focus.Your studies are a good haven for concentration and composure. You have a good mind, but your heart is all beat up. You are suffering from what most people go through when they've been through a series of failing relationships.You are frustrated and enraged. You want to know what the f-ck is wrong with men? I know you're at that stage.Right now, for the moment, you need to know what is wrong with YOU?Stress from your academic demands have also taken it's toll on you as well. You've got a full plate lady!Damaged people go recklessly through one relationship after another. They take what they can get at the time, and just move on to the next. Never stopping to heal and pull themselves together. Collecting baggage along the way.That is self-destructive behavior and you need to get a grip. That stuff about you "don't know how to stop" yourself is bull.You just don't want to. You want something horrible to happen to stop you. PLEASE DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF!Take care of yourself. Read-up on dealing with compulsive behavior and recovery from abusive relationships. Go online and do some homework. Find a professional group of women to join, who are recovering from breakups and abusive relationships. You have to repair your heart and soul, you have to mend your mind; so you can maintain a healthy relationship when the right man comes along.Right now, you are too vulnerable,and on a self-destructive path. You will not do anyone any good in your present state of mind; most importantly, yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, Agneta  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 You have just come out of an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships do things to you, it makes you feel low, worthless and unattractive. The attention from other men makes you realize you are not an unattractive person who doesn't deserve better. I thinnk you know all these things on the surface but regarding your history with your mom and your nan you may have developed strong unconscious patterna that causes you to make choices that you wouldn't if you had not been abused or seen abusive relations within your family as a kid. The way you write your question tells me though, that you know this and know how to change this, you just need confirmation that you are on the right path now. So: You are on the right path, girl! :)Shine a bit around men who gives you attention, that is good for you, but respect yourself enough to be the one who decides. A man is not Mr Right because he chooses you, a man is Mr right when you choose him. Take some time to concentrate on your PhD and carreer and think about what it is you are looking for in a man, a good man for you, and what are your deal breakers. Then go for that! And if you make mistakes in future, be forgiving to yourself, learn and continue this new good path towards non abusive life.Best of luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 The title seemed more serious than what it is but I think it is great that you are aware that something is not right. Dating should be fun and not torturous. You should not overanalyze the past and find things wrong with yourself. Both guys you mentioned don't live near you, and to expect the second guy to want a relationship is unrealistic, after you say you don't want a relationship. What kind of fun can you have just talking on the phone, what kind of men find it fun to just talk with unlikely sex in the far far distant future?
You are not over the last relationship and you need time to heal, and not find a replacement right after. "Stop" can sound very abrupt and forced. A smoother way to move on is to accept these are the things that happened, it couldn't be changed. You haven't met a man who is right for you. It's not your fault, you don't need to beat yourself up.
...............................
|
