A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidsI was seeing a man for a few months and we were getting on really well and his behaviour towards me showed that he was really interested and keen. He said that I was fun, interesting, and pretty, and we had some wonderful times together. We didn't sleep together.However, he also had a very close female friend who he also spent time with and who he liked a lot. After a few months of us seeing each other, she suddenly became keen on him. As a result, he has just told me that he is very sorry, but he has decided to try a relationship with her. But he still wants to be friends with me (I am not sure about this, but that's another issue).Obviously, I am now extremely upset and suspect that she only really wanted him because he'd found someone else to spend time with and who he liked. In a couple of weeks we are due to go to a mutual friend's wedding. He will be taking this other woman. I will be going with friends, but without a partner (I don't have any male friends that I can ask as my partner).I am absolutely dreading the day because the thought of seeing him with this other woman is so upsetting. I feel like the loser, and that she will be gloating and all over him. I feel like such a foolish woman for pinning my hopes on him in the first place. Obviously, I am going to look as stunning as possible on the day. And there is no way on this earth that I am going to show them (or anyone else) how upset I am.My question is, how should I behave towards them on the day? There is no way I can avoid them. Should I ignore them and pretend they don't exist? Should I talk to them? Talking to them will be hell for me as I will be upset and trying to hide it - he knows how upset I am and, I imagine will have told her (which makes me feel humiliated). And if I do talk to them, what on earth should I say? Thank you all so much for your help.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2015):
 " The loser " ? " Gloating " ? I am sorry but I have to agree with the poster who says all this is a bit juvenile . Of course people can have negative feelings at any age, but hopefully the filter of their experience, maturity and rationality will help them to deal with them and to put things in perspective.
What happened, in practice, is just that you have dated a guy for few months, - the relationship did not get intimate so I doubt it was something very serious , intense and overwhelming, at least from his side .You were two people getting to know each other and having occasionally a nice time together, and of course he found you likeable ! otherwise you would not have gone past the first date, right ? BUT : as you already knew, he was also interested in another lady, he liked her a lot, he had made no mistery about that, he had no committment with you, ... and as soon he saw an opening with her , he took it.
Now I am not saying that you are not allowed to be disappointed, you liked the guy, and he liked somebody else better, and this sucks.
But, - that's life. That's normal. That's what dating is for, to see if you like person X enough to want her around permanently and seriously. You win some, you lose some. And that you have " lost " the competition with this lady for the role of his gf, it's very different from calling yourself a loser and feeling that you have to be ashamed of something !
If it had been a job interview, and she had won the spot, would you have felt as miserable and awkward bumping into her at some social function ? I doubt it. One spot, two contendents, that's all. A pang of envy is natural, I suppose, but not something that you should feel
" humiliated " or so upset about.
Why should he be " flaunting " her ? He is a guy with a gf, he's just bringing her along to a social function, as it is expectable. Why should she be " gloating " ? Maybe she will be happy of being with the man of her choice, but I really don't think she would have put the moves on someone she loathes and detests, - just to spite you ! She just liked the guy, and the guy liked her.
Relax. It's not all about you.
You do not have to make small talk with them, if you don't wish to do it. You are with your friends, you are busy looking great , having a good time , eating good food and making conversation with other people- a " hi " or a hand wave, with a smile, will be enough. But other than that, try and keep the happy couple out of your radar and out of your mind, and focus on enjoying this wedding with your friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): I'm sorry, I can understand completely how that would make you feel. Be thankful you weren't more involved with him and glad you didn't sleep with him.
If it were me, I'd simply smile and say hi as I walked by, nothing more. I wouldn't stress over what to say, you don't owe them small talk. He might be feeling just as awkward as you.
Don't let him or anyone make you feel like a loser, no man is worth it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): I don't quite agree with the poster who said all that seems like how a teenager would feel, after all you did start dating him and he was making you feel good while you were together. No matter how old somebody is, a spot of jealousy or hurt can always happen!
Anyway! I love a good wedding and even if I went alone and single or with a partner I would spend the entire time eating and dancing and having a good time. Don't see it as a time to be all sad, see it as a day to have a really good time. Don't ignore them, just say hi and smile if he bumps in to you. Chin up and have yourself a nice day out.
There will probably be other singles there, may be a chance to meet somebody else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): Are you sure this a burdenfor you as a woman of your age.You are overinvesting in rejection just as a teenager does and your competitive streak is roused and you are looking for reaction.How many weddings have you been to.You mknow most people are there for the free food and drink just as they do for a funeral.You know the format.You know who sits where and who sits next to who in order of family and friend priorities.You are unlikely to be the ring bearer or the flower girl or the maid of honour so you will be part of the general rabble in the middle.In short you are not that important at the event and all the if but and maybe stuff is just whats going on in your head.If you were fifteen i could understand your angst but at over fifty i cant see why it would be a problem.Presumably youve had a man of your own at some time,youve possibly had children and lived through some of lifes dramas and then you think you could feel undermined because a bloke you dated but never slept with is settling for a girl he knew better than you and this is going to totally affect how you feel at a wedding.Hmmm on a scale of life dilemmas this is not the greatest.Youve even assumed he will have talked about you to her.But what if he didnt. What if it just wasnt as important as you are making out it is.What could he say if you never even slept together.I guess he could nudge her and say "oh look theres so and so..we never had sex you know!" but chances are he'll be looking at the bride and groom and you will be wilting or bristling according to your character type wanting to shrink into the background or make a scene.Why not just go to the wedding as just that..a wedding..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): There may have been previous sparks between these two before you met and things may have gone on in the past which he didnt confide to you.In all probability he was testing the water by seeing you to see if she would regret letting him go a little and on this account you should be very glad that you werent drawn into a love triangle or worse still a menage a trois.I think you have to review your loyalty to him and ask yourself what he really did for you.Perhaps he paid his way or lavished you with gifts..all pretty normal you may say..until you start to think about the workings of a couples mind.and then you can figure that he or they may have been after something.Worse case scenario is that she had a thing about girls and he was prepping you for a threesome! I'm not saying this is definately the case but you are only seeing black and white and ignoring the shades of grey.Now im not suggesting you go all weak at the knees at the thought because i am totally against guys beating women up in order to get their hard on or orgasm, but what i am trying to say is that you didnt really know this guy or this other woman very well at all.You sound like a wonderful person but you dont have to fret about these two.I suggest you say nothing to them at all and leave them to do the wondering what you are thinking...dont even smile at them, just see them as a couple of phonies who you have finally got out of your sight (nearly) so that you can find the real one.Good luck..you dont need to dress to impress but you will.You just need to say Amen and thankGod that is over and dont stay friends with him or her but change your cell phone nmber and tell yourself you are not to be messed with!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): Hi yes - I have been in a similar situation where another woman moved in on my man once we had started dating, so I know what you mean about feeling the 'loser'.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do - except maybe ignore the two of them. Say hello & then move on with your friends & just avoid them the best you can. At least you are still speaking - it could be much worse if you hated each other & had to spend time in each other's company.
He is the jerk - he chose her over you - so he should be the one feeling embarrassed.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (14 September 2015):
 Awww...I feel so bad for you sweetie! This is such a nightmare of a situation! I know its going to take every ounce of your courage but on the day of the wedding, just smile, mingle with the other guests and try to forget all about these two. You don't have to talk to them; at the most just smile and say "hi" and that's it. Don't look at it as a victory for her-no, not at all. The guy doesn't look like he has any integrity in any case.
Remember, no one, and I repeat, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Don't let them or anyone get the better of you. You don't have to feel bad. Enjoy the day with your friends, look glam and feel good about yourself. You're not upset...say it with me...you are *not* upset. This guy wasn't meant for you in any case. He was a flake. How can you be upset about someone like that? Feel happy that at least you didn't sleep with him!
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