A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a gay female and feeling very confused. I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 years she was my first love but for the last two years of the relationship I was very unhappy and could not see a future . I hate to admit it but I cheated with men and women just kissing as I was confused about my sexuality and really wanted to be normal ! Part of me hoped that I would find a man and fall in love do I could be normal like my friends and get married. I felt very alone in that relationship my girlfriend refused to tell people that she was in relationship and I was miserable at pretending we were friends and I guess the in love feeling just faded as the relationship just wasn't nourished! My ex doesn't know I cheated her understanding is that the relationship finished was because she refused to publicly accept our relationship or her sexuality for the fear of what people would say . I walked away from that relationship as I know I deserved better and wanted better that being said I still love my ex not in sexual way and miss her very much. I met my new partner when I was in relationship. She was an old school friend and was in a relationship and was openly gay for years. We always had a spark and after meeting up we got on like house on fire we began seeing each other and soon after left both our troubled relationships so we could be together . We are together 6 months and I love her and fancy her and she does me . We have moved in together and things are going fast but I increasingly find myself frightened and am afraid of being hurt. I have told my family for first time and am dealing with coming out on top of ending a relationship and starting a new one .my life has completely changed and part me still finds it hard to accept I am gay ! I'm pretending to my work colleague that I still live at home and am embarrassed to tell them who I am as I don't want people talking or treating me different. At work the constantly make gay jokes ... Finding this all overwhelming and need advice on how to go ahead with things please . Also me and my ex are still in contact and she sends me mixed messages should I hurt her and tell of my new relationship or how to treat her .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Thank you so much I need to stop worrying and take action I really don't want to mess things up
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): OP first off out of respect for your new partner you should not be allowing your ex to send you any kind of "messages". That's called emotional cheating, you're not allowed to let people romance you while with someone. So yes, tell her you're spoken for and make sure she knows you and she will only ever be platonic from now and she's not allowed to romance you or talk about your old feelings etc.
OP people making gay jokes is normal, it doesn't mean they're homophobic and it doesn't mean they'd mock you if you told them the truth, so you may aswell go ahead and do that.
There's no point in still living a partial lie, people really don't care about sexuality at all anymore and those who do know better than to voice their beliefs in a negative way because they'e the minority.
OP you're going through a period of uncertainty at the moment, a lot has changed and of course being in uncharted territory is scary. But in the same sense you know that will fade too. The dust will settle.
You really need to stop playing games with your ex though, OP. If she's sending mixed messages to you then you're way too involved with her still, would really be happy that your new partner had an ex she had that kind of contact with? Still talking about missing each other, and mixed messages? No, it'd make you worry and with good reason because it would seem like she's not over and won't let go.
Above all though, OP, this is just a period of adjustment, it's scary but it's not going to go bad if you start taking the right actions. Seriously, you need to nip the ex thing in the bud right now, the idea that you don't want to put the final nail in that coffin because you don't want to hurt her, means your new woman can't trust you until you do. It's a mistake waiting to happen and you may already have crossed the line into emotional cheating.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 I cannot imagine how confusing it must be for you to be dealing with these feelings. I myself am Bi but I never had a problem being open about it. So I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel. As much as you don't want to hear this you really need to take a break from both of the lovely ladies in your life. You're not ready for a relationship if you are struggling to accept who you are. You will only end up hurting the ones you love. Take time to figure out who you are and what you want in life. Once you've done that seek out support and don't be afraid of what people will say. People will judge you no matter what (I was once judged on the shoes I wore...) so pay no attention to them. Only when you are at peace with yourself then you can successfully have a healthy relationship to whoever you choose.
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