A
male
age
41-50,
*rish007
writes:I recently found my wife chatting with a man with whom she made friendship on Facebook. They have been talking on phone for past six months. She claims they never met each other and they were chatting as just friends. I am deeply hurt because she never told this to me, I accidentally caught her when I picked her phone and saw her messages sent to him.She says sorry and said would break all ties with him. Can I trust her?
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female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (7 June 2014):
 Again, you need to see what is missing in your relationship before you can figure out what really happened here. If she has cut ties with this man then that is great but she will do it again with someone else if you do not address the fact that your relationship has a problem, even if you're not quite sure what that problem is yet.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): I guess she isn't completely happy within her marriage, and felt it necessary to betray your trust, and seek another man's attention. I avoid any suggestion to a person that anything is lacking in your marriage. If anything is lacking, she had the choice to bring it to your attention. What did she expect from all this?
She feels guilty? It is difficult to measure the sincerity behind how sorry she is. That makes forgiving her a very difficult task for you.
It has obviously hurt you very deeply, and it's not like you can just breakup and walk-away. You may never be able to erase all this from your memory. Even if you try to forgive her. Once trust is destroyed. It is hard to avoid suspicion. That is what usually ends a relationship.
She has broken what holds a marriage together. Trust.
Now you have to wrestle with the decision whether to stay; or dissolve your marriage. It's hard to tell at this point how sincere she is. I guess that now all depends on how you feel about it, and if you can forgive her? Will your insecurity and suppressed anger make you keep her under a microscope from now on?
You've asked what to do now? Maybe you should pose that question to your wife. She's the one that felt she had to find what she needs somewhere else. Maybe you need to find out if she really wants out; or if she is begging for attention? Her reaction is only typical of a person who got caught! Of course they feel guilty. Certainly sorry she got caught.
It's easy to say, get marriage-counseling. What this all comes down to is the question of whether you have the ability to forgive her completely? Can you move past this?
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A
male
reader, krish007 +, writes (7 May 2014):
krish007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Just two days back I also found out that she has sent photos to that man in which she is showing her cleavage. They were sent in Jan/2014 before I discovered her friendship with that man ( this was discovered in March 2014)
They were self shot photos (about 15 photos), taken in different dresses. She says that the man was pleading to her for the photos with revealing cleavage.
Also, she strongly insists after March 2014 she has completely cut ties with him. She says she is sorry and has guilt feeling for the wrong doing.
What to do now?
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (11 April 2014):
Unfortunately there is no real way of knowing if you can trust her or not because the damage is already done.
I would suggest talking to her and finding out what she is missing in her relationship with you that she felt the need to be talking to someone else in the first place and take it from there.
There is still hope, but it might need a little work.
good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 April 2014):
 You can't trust someone who has just broken trust. That is a no-brainer. She didn't come to you voluntarily with this information, or it might be a different story. You caught her. This shouldn't be left at just "Trust that I'll cut all ties". You shouldn't then have to play husband and traffic cop, monitoring all of her devices and wondering what sort of feelings she has about him.
If you want to move on, you should consider counseling for the marriage. If this emotional infidelity is a symptom of something in the marriage or in her, then she owes it to the marriage to go beyond the "I won't do it again" to really put the time into rebuilding the trust, and that means going through some hard questions and answers about what got her to this point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): Is your question "can" you trust her; or "should" you trust her? I think for now your trust has been compromised.
She was carrying on this Facebook communication unbeknownst to you. It was discovered, not openly acknowledged. That to me says she didn't want you to know about it.
You and your wife need to sit down and talk this out. I think it warrants discussion; so you can get it all on the table.
She needs to know how you feel about it. She also needs to know the damage it has done to your trust. Then you need to determine if there is some issue in your marriage that makes your wife feel she needs to make friends with other men behind your back.
If it was innocent, it wouldn't have been kept a secret.
If you can't get past it, go to marriage counseling; and get to the root of your problem. Discover if there is a reason she may feel she can't have male friends; or if you have marital problems that she may not be happy about. If she is contemplating an affair, now is as good a time as any to find out what the reason is. Then you can either work out a solution under the mediation of a counselor;
or kick her ass to the curb if she wants out.
Trust is based on truth.
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