A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, sorry for writing a lot but I hope someone here can help me.I am 30 years old and desperate to be loved - if only for one day.All my friends all the people I know in my age group have had at least one relationship. I know that some of these relationships have gone bad but at least they have felt loved once in their lives. I have a good family and good friends but no man has ever loved me the slightest bit. I have never been asked out. No one has ever showed an interest in me. Not once. Meanewhile one by one my friends have fallen in love ang got maried and had kids and so on.What is so different about me? I am thin but not too skinny, average height, average face, very clean, very well educated. I'm not rude, I am not mean, I don't talk too much or too little, I don't smell bad or anything, I'm not stupid, ...Whats wrong? Why am I alone? In the past two years I have started to get worried about this. I mean if nobody loves me when I'm young what are the chances they would as I get older? I am so desperate for love I am physically hurting every single day. I feel an extreme pain like I'm being torn from the inside almost all the time.What can I do? I don't have the strength to continue like this anymore. If it wasn't for my family who would be hurt I would wish to just die rather than tolerate this maddening craving for love.Has anyone here ever felt like this? I had heard after 30 you would just stop caring about this stuff but I will be 31 soon. Do people really stop wanting love after a certain age? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
 I am going to make my standard suggestion for women to meet men.. Try Board Gaming…. I met my fiancé board gaming. You have to do it face to face in a controlled environment… many of the men are single… it’s mostly men to be honest… I’d say 80% men 20% women… and we have to meet face to face to game.
The thing about most Board gamers is that we all tend to be a bit quirky.. many of us have social skills issues…but that means we are way more accepting of other people’s quirks… I love board gaming… bright people with accepting attitudes.. and lots of relationships come out of board gaming.
Not sure where you live but if you are interested in finding a place to game (and meet folks) feel free to PM me… http://www.boardgamers.org/ is the website for our worldwide group. We meet yearly in Lancaster PA for 10 days of gaming…
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): (Original question asker here)
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies.
Someone mentioned here that I should try counseling. I have with 4 different therapists - with each for a very long time. It doesn't help. I honestly think that your answers have done me much more good than all the sessions of therapy I've gone through put together.
Thanks for the kind words. Thanks for the hug.
To the ladies who wrote that they are in the same situation: Thanks for sharing your stories. I so understand you.
Someone wrote being desperate makes me give out all the wrong signals and reduces my chances even more. I was not always desperate. Since a couple of years ago almost all my friends have expressed their concern about me being single. I wasn't really bothered too much at the time. I wanted love but I thought it will come when the time is right. But it's almost two years now that I feel like its not going to happen.
My point is even when I was not desperate I still didn't find love.
As for the way I dress, apparenly it's OK. I am not different from people around me. Many of my girl friends seem to be worried about me being single and they have never told me anything about how I behave or dress. Tho ofcourse I don't encourage them to talk about my being single because it's painful and I hate to see them pitying me.
As for asking guys out I would if I could. I honestly can't. And anyway none of the guys I know have any problem asking other girls out so it's not like they need any help. I just want some of the same attention other people are getting I guess.
And who should I ask anyway. Honestly everone I meet is already in a relationship. Of the only other few who I know one guy has been divorced once and does not believe in love any more. Another one mentioned to me the other day that he can't believe there are no single attractive girls around for him and that he thinks he should just move or go and find a whole new set of friend - he has had his fair share of relationships so he was rather cheerful about this. Two of my single guy friends have asked me to let them know if I get to know a nice tall blond girl under 28.
As for trying to be happy anyway and going out more and so on, I will. Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot to me that you all put the time and effort to reply and offer your points of veiw and advice. Thanks again :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): I've never been loved in my life. Not by my parents, not by my siblings, no-one. I fell in love over 12 years ago. I thought he loved me until he married someone else. I then had an arranged marriage and because we didn't love each other, he left. I then met a younger man and all he wanted was a FWB. I then met another guy who told me we should get married. I started to think that my life had finally started. I could have the family I always craved. A month ago he called it off. I am in my mid 30's and alone again. I won't ever have the family I want and I don't believe in love any more. I have vowed never to get involved with any man ever again. I just look forward to the day it all ends.
The lesson I learned in life is do not look for your happiness in other people, they will let you down. Look for it in yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): In response to Chigirl, about asking guys out, even girls who receive plenty of male attention often don't have the confidence to make the first move. You can't imagine what the absolute lack of male attention does to a girl and her self esteem. Where do you think a woman who is apparently invisible to men can find the confidence to ask a guy out? After a while you start believing you are completely undesirable and undateable. Otherwise, you wouldn't be in this situation.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 I'm sorry for your pain babes. It's difficult to assess why you do better at dating, we can't see you to judge how you dress and act. You have girlfriends, it really is best to talk to one of them. Swallow your pride, tell them you'd really like help to fix up, change, so you can signal to men that you available. It might be that your body language says "single and happy to stay that way". It might be that you miss the signals of flirting that men give out. It might be that you dress too old for your age or wear a face that says "leave me alone".. I don't know, your girlfriends can help, ask one of them to help you with this problem. Once she shows you what might be the problem, I suggest you try the internet dating thing... find decent guy and meet for coffee in a public place.. just as a practice test until you get used to it.
No you shouldn't be alone forever, but maybe your not displaying your self in the correct manner and that now needs to be changed. If men are bees and you is a flower, you need a little honey to draw them in. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 "I have never been asked out. No one has ever showed an interest in me. Not once."
Have you ever asked a man out? 3 out of 4 of the men who have told me they love me, I chased down myself. They didn't ask me out, they didn't show an interest in me. I approached them, I asked them out, I flirted. I did the chasing. If I was sitting on my butt I would have missed out on all of them, because they did not show even a slight interest at first. One was actually interested in another girl at the time, but I swept him off his feet and made him forget about her.
"I am thin but not too skinny, average height, average face, very clean, very well educated. I'm not rude, I am not mean, I don't talk too much or too little, I don't smell bad or anything, I'm not stupid, ..."
Me neither. I don't smell bad, I don't look particularly awesome unless I take my time doing make-up, hair, and two hours of trying on clothes to find the perfect outfit. Then I look awesome. Rest of the time I am quite plain.
So we conclude: no, there is nothing wrong with you.
" I mean if nobody loves me when I'm young what are the chances they would as I get older?" Big chances. Older people need and want love as well, and confident women in their 40'ties are extremely attractive to tons of men, believe it or not. Anyway, the main point though is that they are just as likely to love you young and old. If a man loves you he loves you, regardless of you naturally growing older. Because he will grow older as well, and will enjoy a woman within his age group, who's at the same level as him.
People don't stop wanting love at any age. Some do, some don't, but there's no natural development that says you will stop wanting it.
You ask us why you haven't found someone who loves you yet. I am going to send the question right back at you. There's nothing wrong with you, and no reason for why you shouldn't find someone. So why aren't you busy finding that someone? You tell me. I don't get why you haven't.
But from the sound of it you expect him to fall on your head while you are busy with your own things. That's not going to happen. You got to get out there, show an interest in the men that YOU think YOU might fall in love with, that YOU find interesting. And bag them. Nothing will happen if you sit and wait on a knight in shining armor. Hunt him down yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): Hi there. I'm 27 and in the exact same situation, I know how you feel. Reading your question felt like reading a description of myself. No man has ever been interested in me. Ever. I know the problem is not in my looks (because far less attractive girls have boyfriends) and I know it is not my personality either (because no guy has ever "met" my personality). So what is it then? I just can't find a rational explanation.
It is somewhat comforting to know I am not the only one with this problem. If you check this web site regularly you will find there are many people in the same situation. All of us are a good "catch", yet nobody is interested in ''catching'' us. On the other hand, there are so many people out there who have nothing to offer and, despite that, have no problem finding a partner.
What bothers me the most is that I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about having no romantic experience what so ever. As you said, people around me are getting married and having kids. And here I am, wondering what it feels like to kiss somebody. Making friends is not easy for me because getting close to people inevitably involves talking about those things.
I'm trying my best to accept the situation. So what if I never experience kissing? So what if I stay single for the rest of my life? One day everybody dies, and then it won't matter anymore, it won't matter whether you have experienced something or not. In the meantime try having fun and enjoying your life.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 March 2012):
 Oh sweetie..I'm sorry that you're feeling so low and alone! *HUG* Its terribly frustrating to watch your friends one by one pair up with someone while you are wishing for the same thing. There are some people that really do want to be alone, but I think about 95% of the population wants to be in love and be loved..no matter what age we are. What you are feeling is so natural! The world really is geared up for couples, and when you aren't a part of one you feel like an outsider. Sad, but true. Love can come to anyone at any age, please remember that. So you are in your 30's...that's ok. People find love in ALL ages, from a teenager right up to people in their 90's! Please don't give up. You have to have a positive attitude and let your true colors shine out. As other aunts/uncles have said...you need to be happy and love yourself first. Be happy with yourself. I mean REALLY happy, not just faking it, but truly feel it. Once you are at peace with yourself, you will get to a point where you won't care if you are with someone or not..and that's when it will happen. When you are least expecting it...love will find you. Don't be shy though, help it find you! Ask your family, your friends, do they know anyone single? A brother, a cousin? a co-worker? Its ok to be bold and brave..who knows? Someone might know somebody just perfect for you! In the mean time, take up a new hobby, go out and join a club, somewhere that you can try something new, something exciting, mingle..MEET PEOPLE! Sometimes you really do have to help love along! If you feel comfortable, join an online dating club, you can be selective and just be smart and be careful. DON't GIVE UP! Your guy is out there..help him find you! Good luck sweetie!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): don't be discouraged, not everyone finds love within the first two decades of their lives! I met my soulmate when I was in my 30s. I have friends and family who met theirs in their 40s and 50s. I also have friends who rushed into marriage in their 20s and thereby never got a chance to find their true soulmates.
"I mean if nobody loves me when I'm young what are the chances they would as I get older?"
No, this makes no sense. Lots of people mature as they get older and start to appreciate what you have to offer. lots of people, when they are young, they are shallow and superficial and go for others who are just as shallow. But after a few years, when life's difficulties and experiences have opened their eyes, they change and start to appreciate substance and character. A lot of people then get divorced when they realize they married for the wrong reasons or married the wrong people. All this just means that, there is opportunity at all ages. There's always going to be people who are still single, or who are divorced, or widowed.
now let's get back to practical matters. if you would like to find a mate, what are you doing to bring yourself closer to the goal? Are you taking the time and effort to go out and meet people who are likely to be compatible (are you looking in the right places?), to let friends know that they can introduce you to others? are you making use of matchmaking services? are you making use of "singles events" ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): I would say stop worring about it so much and start hanging out with friends like going to social clubs, making conversations with people like in the grocery store standing in line, go to the gym, keep a happy face, smile, make yourself friendly, when you meet someone be very careful not to fall in love the next day, get to know the person so you don't get hurt. getting hurt is very painful.
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A
female
reader, Jingles +, writes (11 March 2012):
Hi there, People that are loving inside don't stop wanting love at any age. Love is what helps us survive as infants. It is a basic need. For you to be loving shows that you are loved by your family, but as a woman, it is not enough. Find yourself a good counselor; they can help you get a better perspective on things and it won't be bottled up in you making you ill. You are trying too hard and you are too hard on yourself. You are so sensitive that your emotions are like spaghetti that wasn't rinsed. If you belong to a church, speak with the pastor. They can be absolutely wonderful. Counseling will be the very best gift you will have EVER given yourself. Right now take care of YOU and the rest will come. It really will.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): There's nothing wrong with not having found love at 30. Be patient, and someone will come along. Instead of thinking constantly about it, throw yourself into life! There are so many different things you can do, so many different places to go, don't let your lack of a partner rule this all out. And who knows, maybe while doing all these things, you'll find someone.
And remember - it's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship. At least you don't have anyone to tie you down.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): HI, yes I have felt the same way as you have, and I understand how hard it is and how badlt it hurts. Nobody ever stops wanting to be loved, no matter what their age is. It is very hard to not feel that way when everyone around you is in a relationship, or getting married and having families. The hardest part is that while you are feeling this way and so desperate to be loved, people can see or sense it and it can be a big turn off, so they don't approach you. I know I went through that myself. Within time I came to a point where I felt that I needed to adopt the attitude that whatever happens in life, happens, but I was going to just make my happiness for myself and find new hobbies to occupy myself. It took time to adopt that way of thinking, but I did it and truly am happy with however things work out. Once I started thinking this way, it seemed that people suddenly found me more attractive, I was being asked out quite a bit, and managed to find the man whom I love with all my heart and who loves me just as much. I am proof that it can and does change, but desperation can turn people off trying to approach you or even wanting to start anything with you. I hope that you find your way through this. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): I don't know much about love but my aunt is just getting married at 41 so just give it more time is all I can say. There's true love for everyone ;-) hope this helps
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