A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:My boyfriend had mentioned that he is bothered because I seem analytical and cold. I am very affectionate. I give him hugs. I tell him I love him. I asked him why he is bothered by me being analytical. He said he couldn't tell me. Do men just expect women to always act lovey dovey, express mild feelings, and that relationships are all comfortable and no challenges? I wish I could be that soft spoken, peaceful girl that every man adores but our relationship has never felt solid. It's always a cycle of, "you are never sure about this relationship, and therefore I have to analyze you." and "you seem so analytical, therefore I am bothered by you and I can't commit to you." Why is he obsessed with what I am feeling? Am I less of a woman because I don't express feelings all the time? Does my being analytical make me less capable of love?I always wonder if I am doing something wrong in the relationship, or is he the wrong man. I wonder if I start a new relationship with another person would I encounter the same mistakes, such as thinking about what he said, why he acted that way, etc. Is there such a man who would stop me from worrying? Or do I just have to have a relationship with a man I am not attracted to? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 July 2011):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the question It was a night with full moon so my emotions were crazy. I started to ask him where we stood and he said he was unsure. I reacted strongly to that. We were bickering back and forth and I made a lot of complaints about him. Me being analytical actually meant I don't speak what's on my mind so if he couldn't read my mind he won't know what to expect, and might do something or say something wrong, or not do anything and I would be upset because I would expect him to know what I want.
We are still together because with each break up our relationship actually was moving forward each time. The break up is not to be taken as an insult, rather as a catalyst for change and progression. I believe I do have a part in the break up. He is just as guilty of not expressing what he wants. We had different exes. I was used to men leading the relationship, he was used to women being incessant chatters. It's not a problem in life for me to be analytical, it's just that he feels clueless in this relationship without me guiding the process. Being analytical is not the opposite of not expressing. It's only a problem when I don't simply ask for what I want, instead I would analyze his actions of why he couldn't just figure out, why he wouldn't want to care for me. I would prefer him to tell me to speak out, instead of just labelling me as an analytical person. In other words he wants me to be more vulnerable. We are now in a stage of power struggle. "If you commit to me more, I would appreciate you." "If you would appreciate me more, then I would commit to you." I guess it's always the women who have to yield first.
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (14 July 2011):
 Now that you really explain the situation, I see things in a new light. He's obviously unsure about you and I don't see why you keep taking him back. If someone dumped me once, that would really be it. He's done it three times and you've taken him back three times, he's going to keep doing it, and you know it.
I've read your answers to others on here and many times have enjoyed what you have written. That's why I'm a bit confused why you keep getting back with this guy. I think you're intelligent and have a lot to offer. What is it about him then?
You're almost trying to figure him out and it's hurting you in the process. You're right when you say that even the coolest woman would ponder about the situation. But do you really have to waste your time trying to figure him out? I don't know much about the situation and I don't want to come across as rude, but he's not going to change or commit to you. He's unstable and it seems that you two don't work together...whether that's because of him or it's just that for whatever reason the relationship doesn't work.
You're trying to figure him out but clearly it's a waste of time. Let's say you get to the answer...then what? You won't be any better off and he'll be the same guy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (14 July 2011):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe does not flirt with other women. I am analytical on everything, not just relationships. I was secure up until he broke up with me three times and got back with me three times. The reasons were ambiguous and they change each time. When I tried to ask him to clarify he got more reasons why he shouldn't be with me. Every time there was a break up he felt 100% sure about it and after we got back together he was 100% sure I was the one for him. After each break up I would not call him for a week and then he would have the guts to ask me why I didn't talk to him. Three break ups in a year. I still look at the break ups as fear of commitment. There is no way I am not going to analyze his behavior. Even the coolest woman would ponder on this. A lot of things would bother him. The newest one, is that I seem analytical and cold. I am wondering if this is a fact or is it just another excuse to keep a distance from him. Or is it possible that he is projecting his own characteristics on me. The thing that prompted me to ask this question on this site is that I asked him and did not get an answer.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (14 July 2011):
Well judging by the last bit of your post I am wondering whether or not you are not only over analysing everything he does but then also thinking the worst and questioning him about everything. If this is the case then this is more obsessional, insecure behaviour on your part and I can see why it would bother him as it shows no trust. Is it making you unhappy? Are you frequently questioning him about things you think he may have done based only on obscure speculation? Unless you have a very good reason, you need to stop this and whe you catch yourself beginning to analyse something stop and distract yourself and don't bring it up with him.If that's not that case then:"Do men just expect women to always act lovey dovey, express mild feelings, and that relationships are all comfortable and no challenges?"Yes some men do, they like to feel extra needed and emotionally in control. The reason he could be obsessing about it is that he's a little insecure. Or he might just not be used to it. Sit down, explain to him that you do love/care for him and being analytical is just part of your personality. So he will either have to trust you and put his doubts aside or it might be best for you two to go your separate ways. Also it could be that he is unsure about your relationship so is projecting that onto you and/or looking for ways to distance himself.Out of interest (I didn't get the last part) who are you saying you are not attracted to - a man who would stop you worrying? Or your bf? Which would explain everything your bf feels, you may not realise it but you're probably giving out signs you're not attracted to him and then my advice would be to leave as it just won't work out.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (14 July 2011):
This is either an issue of incompatibility or you being insecure in the relationship. Also I don't think the word here is 'analytical.'
If you're an analytical person, then you like to question the world around you, you like to have thought provoking conversations and so on. If that's the case and he doesn't like it, then you're incompatible.
But I think there is something deeper here, something completely different. Are you 'analyzing' him and your relationship? Do you constantly ask him about his feelings? Do you appear insecure? I say this because of what you wrote "you are never sure about this relationship, and therefore I have to analyze you." I assume this is you thinking he's not sure so you're left to analyze him and his feelings for you.
I also say this because you say 'I always wonder if I am doing something wrong in the relationship' and 'thinking about what he said, why he acted that way, etc.'
You appear insecure and unsure of his feelings for you. He has probably picked up on this and it's getting tiring for him having to reassure you all the time. I apologize if I'm wrong here but this seems to be the answer. Has he ever done anything to make you feel this way? Quite often it's not just you.
Also, if you are insecure, that will have to change with you, and not the man you're with. Would you say your boyfriend is an attractive guy (to other females I mean)? I ask this because you ask us whether you should have a relationship with a man you're not attracted to. To me this says that you don't feel good enough for your boyfriend and that you're scared he'll leave you for someone else, so you're willing to settle for someone you don't find attractive so that you don't have to worry. Is that right?
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. First step is to figure out why you're insecure with him. Is it something he's done or said? If so, talk to him about it. If he's not the culprit and you're just feeling insecure, ask yourself why. The answer usually lies in you thinking you're not good enough. Guess what? You are good enough.
The sad thing is...if you keep thinking you're not good enough he'll soon start feeling the same and your fears will turn into reality.
I hope this has given you something to think about. You need to get to the root of this.
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