A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I always thought that a marriage proposal should be a happy occasion but it’s left me struggling with the answer. My boyfriend is a really nice guy and we were living together. He was having a difficult time financially and with his ex wife. I have a decent job and my own house so could cover the major bills while he sorted himself out. Finances aside, we had a great time together and were like best buddies. He took a new job in another city, so now we live quite a distance apart, but hopefully this will sort his finances out because it’s supposed to pay better although he is still struggling financially at the moment - sometimes I have to send him money.But now he’s proposed and I suddenly find myself thinking I don’t want to leave the security of my job or sell my home, especially not while he’s in financial difficulty. I don’t want to begin a marriage having to take vindictive calls from an angry ex wife. I want to have a nice ring and wedding and honeymoon. I can’t pay for everything myself! I can’t bring peace between him and the ex.I don’t want to start out married life with the situation as it is and I don’t understand why I put up with these problems of finances and ex wives and even helped out while we were just living together, but they seem so unsavoury and distasteful if I think of my boyfriend as a husband. Have I read too many romantic novels? Or do I just want to keep a back door open and I don’t really want to commit to “for better or worse”?Am I holding out for someone “better”? Am I influenced by the fact that my sister has a wealthy husband and my mother never needed to work because my dad earned enough to support us? My dad always sorted everything out and solved all the problems, so I expect that my future husband should do the same?Should I give it a bit more time to see how things work out or should I just tell him I won’t marry him instead of stringing him along? He’s a good man in difficult circumstances, the problem is should I struggle through with him hoping things will get better or should I leave and rather find someone that ticks all the boxes, accepting that I may regret that move in time?
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ex-wife, his ex, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Re: the ex-wife. No kids, no contact. Period. There should be no reason for her to be in your or his life making it miserable. With that said let's move on to the finances. Finances are one of the biggest reasons for divorce. So YES you should think long and hard on this one. You sound like you have your act together. Let this man know you love and care for him, but that in order to have a REAL shot at making a marriage work he needs to work on becoming financially stable. Discuss your finances together and come up with a plan to reach a common goal. Re-assess your situation then.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Hmm. I am a guy who dated my girlfriend for a long time. It was a real long time. She kept dropping hint, but it just never felt perfect to me. Eventually, I even spent $8K on a ring waiting for that Perfect Moment. It never seemed to materialize even after almost a year. In fact, I still have the ring. I have two conflicting opinions:1) I think has to feel right. If it doesn't, then it isn't. There is no shame in that.2) You can spend a lifetime waiting for the perfect moment.I am not saying to accept or decline. Think about this moment and the opportunity it presents. You can accept or decline. Also, you seem very focused on material issues. What does your heart tell you?
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A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (28 May 2011):
If you are uncomfortable, don't say yes.However, then you have to make a choice. Imagine he gets himself sorted out - deals with the ex wife and stabilises his finances. Would you say yes then? And most importantly, and are you willing to wait?If the answer to both those quetsions is yes, then perhaps what you should do is say - I want to marry you. but not right now. And then wait to see if he can sort himself out - it would probably be a good idea to tell him hwat you are waiting for.But if you think you can't wait, or even then he might not tick all the boxes, set him free and find yourself a more suitable fish to take home.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunt Sabina +, writes (28 May 2011):
You're right a marriage proposal should be a happy occasion and as this clearly isn't that it is time to have a good long think and ask all the questions you are doing.
If he doesn't 'tick all the boxes' now its very unlikely a wedding will change that.
Have you ever said 'no' when he has asked you for money? You may feel better if you make an excuse next time he asks for cash and see a) how he solves the problem and b)how he takes your inability to send money.
You are quite right to think about this long and hard.
You say you were like best buddies - perhaps that is what you should be?
Take time and don't respond to pressure for an amswer. Take care.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (28 May 2011):
Do you love him and is he good to you? He might not be financially very good, but don't we apparently live in the age of equality where women can have careers, and be well paid earners? Seems like you might want your cake and eat it? If you weren't so financially stable then maybe he would feel a man urge to rise to the challenge and doing better for himself, but why should he?If you do get on like best buddies then you should be able to talk to him about how you feel. There is nothing wrong with being honest, and if he loves you, he will want to wait. You can then both address the issues and concerns that you have.I will say, he should man-up about his ex-wife. He shouldn't want to put you in a situation where you are dealing with that. He basically needs to force some boundaries about what his ex wife can, and can't do.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 May 2011):
 Don't marry him! That would be a huge mistake! I agree with you 100% he needs to get his sh** straightened out and become financially secure before taking on a wife. There is nothing wrong with waiting. It may be that since you are further in distance, you may start going out occasionally with other friends, you may even find someone else that seems more exciting and enjoyable to be around. Your relationship with him seems more "roommate" than sexually/romantically or compatible. And I'm sorry that the ex-wife is causing problems but if there weren't children involved, neither of you should put up with being harrassed. Hold your ground and do not commit to a wedding just yet. You'll know when the time is right.
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