A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Hope you can help. I have recently started a new relationship with a guy. Now I am not very sexually experienced but know we have to be careful, so am on the pill. Everytime we slept together I have had to prompt my boyfriend to wear a condom. Last week, we slept together and he did not wear a condom. We had never discussed having sex without a condom or me being on the pill. I did not prompt him to wear a condom that time and later when we spoke he said it was ok because he saw that I was on the pill and he withdrew.I feel unhappy that we did not speak but don't know whether this type of thing is common with guys or whether its worth breaking up over this. I don't know whether he just got a bit too carried away.
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (5 October 2012):
OP, I don't put an excessive amount of the blame for this on the guy. I think some of the response have been way off base. Comparing him to Assange? Bad form. I think the issue is some are not putting themselves in the frame of mind a young male has. I believe the crux of the matter is that you, and probably him as well, are relatively inexperienced. It's a new relationship, and what the two of you did was become sexually active together without having a proper conversation about protection. This can easily happen because it is an awkward conversation to have.
The fact is, guys don't like to wear condoms. The majority of men would much rather not use one because it lessens the sensation, and at some point almost all relationships transition away from condoms, assuming the relationship lasts. A lot of the women I have dated have disliked condoms just as much as I do, in fact. They are a "necessary evil" if you will.
That said, it is generally the younger guys who will make the mistake of assuming it is safe to have sex without a condom, or attempt to do so without discussing it. I'm 36 and have been single again since the age of 33, after going through a divorce. I am very careful not to have unprotected sex, so I wear a condom without being prompted. I don't assume I need to wear one, I know it as a fact. I'm making that decision regardless of what the woman thinks, and I'm doing it first and foremost to protect myself.
However, ten or fifteen years ago I didn't have nearly as much experience nor did I appreciate the risks of STD's and pregnancy. Young men feel they are invulnerable, or that those things happen to others but not to themselves. So the younger version of me would avoid wearing a condom unless I was asked to. Note there is a huge, massive difference between trying to get away with not using a condom by avoiding the question versus being asked to wear one and ignoring the request or deliberately breaking the condom, as was the case with Assange.
The fact is, your guy does wear one when he is asked. So he is a good guy. You just need to have the conversation with him that he needs to wear one every single time. I do not advise breaking up with him over this, as it is a communication issue that can be overcome. It isn't like he is a bad guy trying to pull a fast one on you.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I will be in the minority here and while I understand where other aunts are coming from, I'd have to say I dont see this is a huge deal. The first big problem I see here is that you never discussed protection with him. The two of you never discussed needing a condom, you never even told him you were on the pill. The only way he knew to wear a condom was if you told him to right before sex. You never told him it was mandatory every time. I can see easily how he could take you not mentioning putting on a condom as you not feeling the need for one, and his seeing you were on the pill he probably deduced that was the reason you weren't asking him for the condom.
This is why communication is so important. You didn't speak about any of this and so he made assumptions based on what he thought. I think when you brought it up afterwards he tried to downplay it because he saw it upset you. It was intentional to not wear a condom, but I dont think it was out of manipulation, I think he doesn't care about wearing them and when it wasn't mentioned then he didn't do it. He can't be a mind reader and know how adamant you are about his needing to wear a condom. You say you never discussed not wearing one but you didn't discuss wearing one either. Not until after this incident.
If you want to dump him feel free. But I think he was just being a wreckless guy that didn't care about condoms and didn't understand their importance to you. Now if after this incident and you explaining you want them in addition to birth control, he tries to talk you out of it or get out of needing to wear one then he doesn't care about your feelings and get rid of him. This was just an issue of miscommunication in my opinion. If you do stay with him try to work on better communication.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You need to break up with him. The pill doesn't protect against herpes, HIV, and a host of other really bad and permanent STD's. The withdrawal method doesn't protect one bit against disease either.
It's *not* a mistake in the heat of the moment. He is pushing you, overriding you, manipulating you, and trying to pressure you into not making him wear a condom. This is not love. Love would be him trying to protect you and himself, not exposing you to diseases.
What is the point of a relationship unless he cares about you? Trust me, he cares *NOTHING* about you if he's carrying on like this. He's not expressing love for you...he just wants a better orgasm for himself. If you became pregnant, he'd take off down the road, and if you get a disease, he'd abandon you as well, and your romantic future would be crippled forever with any guy you met.
Drop him from your life. He is no good for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): He did seem to make excuses tbh when we spoke. He said I was protected cos of the pill. And that he knows you should talk about it beforehand but withdrawal method was better than nothing.
My dilemma is seeing whether this was a silly mistake made during the heat of the moment or a genuine I dont give a damn. I am considering breaking up over this.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2012):
Listen, this guy is *really* bad news.
This guy does not respect you, because no guy should have to be "prompted" to wear a condom every time, and more disturbingly, you had the conversation with him already about always wanting a condom during every sexual encounter, and he deliberately overrode you. This is the type of guy who would pull the condom off in secret without you knowing it, if he hasn't already.
He is risking you for a disease, and his lack of respect could have you lying to you about being sick, cheating on you, and putting you in danger.
You need to leave him. This isn't a small thing, this is a monumental red flag about his lack of respect for you and for women in general. That sort of thing only gets worse.
The NORMAL procedure is that a guy, no matter if a girl is taking a pill or not, always wears a condom until it's discussed that a condom is no longer necessary. Usually, the relationship has long become exclusive and a lot of time has been invested in the relationship. Then, both agree to not use one in a discussion that's had when the lights are ON, not at the brink of penetration when a man is pressuring a woman.
You should leave this guy. He is horrible, and his lack of respect will show up in all ways, including his sleeping around on you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Just tell him that in the future you don not WANT to have sex without a condom. That it shouldn't be JUST your responsibility to try and prevent STD's and pregnancy.
No "glove" - no love.
And I would say most guys don't like the "hassle" of condoms, but I'm pretty sure they would like the "hassle" of an unwanted pregnancy a LOT less.
Talk to him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 "when asked claimed it was not deliberate."
Yes and when I didn't want to come home on time as a teenager I would tell my parents I didn't mean to be late, I just lost track of time. It was deliberate. Your boyfriend is at best incredibly careless and at worst a malicious person who doesn't care about your well-being at all.
I would be wary of him.
I have had guys pressure me to not use a condom, but a) they always talk about it and b) they listen to what I am saying.
You're not really at risk for pregnancy here, it's more the idea of him not respecting you. Did he seem apologetic when you brought it up later, or try to downplay how serious it is?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Just me the questioner again!
I did not prompt him to wear a condom that time, but had on previous occasions. I don't know whether not prompting him was my mistake.
I later did speak to him and he said you should always wear a condom unless otherwise agreed. So I asked what happened last time, he said I was safe because I was on the pill and when asked claimed it was not deliberate.
I dont know what to make of this. Was he just reckless or malicious? I dont know...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 October 2012):
You remember the Assange case? This was what one of the women was alleging, that she had consented to sex with a condom, but not to sex without a condom. So yes, not using a condom when you'd agreed to is a bfd.
A lot of guys don't like condoms. But a guy who sees you are on the pill and doesn't even ask if it's OK to stop using the condoms, he just does, that's very worrisome. It doesn't show a whole lot of regard for your well being, just for his own satisfaction. It also doesn't show a whole lot of respect for your bodily autonomy.
If for some reason you are too afraid to be assertive when you're about to have sex, at the very least you need to have a serious conversation about this and insist on condoms EVERY time you have sex. It's not just about pregnancy, also about STDs. If he is so careless with this, imagine how careless he's been with other women?
Though honestly I would be concerned about his attitudes with this. He's not thinking about you or your well-being AT ALL. I can't imagine someone like that wouldn't have that attitude in other aspects of your relationship.
It's normal for guys not to like condoms, but it's not normal or OK or even legal to skip them when you had stated you wanted to use them.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (3 October 2012):
Your body is yours, you decide what you do with it and you make sure guys know what your rules are. Dont be shy or afraid to make this totally clear. Guys will always try to avoid condoms. As you take the pill your chances of getting accidentally pregnant are almost zero. Condoms protect you from catching diseases which are sometimes much worse than unwanted pregnancy. If you both are young and 'clean' then you could skip the condom, but you both need to be tested and exclusive.
By the way, never EVER trust a guy to withdraw in time until you are married and ready for kids!!!
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