A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my partner haven’t had much of a relationship for about 14-16 months. Sadly, since my son was born we seem to have neglected our relationship but he is showing no signs of wanting to try. I try to talk to him about how I’m feeling but I can tell he has no interest, he doesn’t actually care. He’s more bothered about work and his car. He’s full of false promises. He always says one thing and doesn’t do anything about it. I always say ‘actions speak louder than words’ and he never gets round to doing things. (He’s a joiner and has been promising to do work on the house so we can sell it but hasn’t - but he helps his brother etc with jobs).I don’t think either of us are in love with each other anymore, we’ve been together since 2013 so he’s been part of my life for 7 years but things aren’t the same. I remember everyone saying they love their partner even more when they see them with their child but I didn’t feel that at all. Don’t get me wrong he’s a great dad. There are certain aspects where I feel very much alone, I work part time and I understand it’s difficult for him to find the energy after a day at work to cook, clean, bath or help out in any way with our son but I have no choice but to. He rarely ever does night feeds because he’s ‘in work’, but if I used that excuse then our son wouldn’t get fed. I have no choice. It’s my job as a mother. We don’t get a rest. He isn’t very supportive of that and doesn’t sympathise when I tell him I need a break. It’s hard, even more so at the minute because I can’t meet up with friends.Like I said he’s a great dad but I just think the relationship is sinking.Any advice or help on how to work on a relationship would be really appreciate.Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2021): Parenthood came too soon. Children should never be used to solidify or repair failing relationships. It is apparent he was not ready to be father; and if it wasn't planned, he considers it your fault. Thus, you get to deal with it!
Harsh as it may sound, men don't like it when babies suddenly happen into a relationship. If he wanted a child, and it was all planned; then he has emotionally prepare to take on the responsibility of fatherhood. If a child is suddenly sprung on a guy who isn't ready for marriage or a family, he might feel trapped. You're both probably in your early 20's; and this is a huge expense, and a very serious responsibility thrust into your lives. Everything changes. A responsibility that will be with you for the next 18 years or more. He didn't have the chance to decide if or when he wants to get married; but now he's a dad. There's no walking-out on his responsibility. He's dumping it all on you. That's an indication to me, parenthood wasn't expected. I wouldn't say he's a good father; if he won't help with feedings and childcare. That should come naturally and voluntarily. He should care if you're tired and need some help.
Now you know. Having a baby does not necessarily improve a relationship. If he is resisting any participation in caring for the baby, all you can do is keep asking him for help. If he still refuses, that means he's noncommitted and wants out. I speculate, the relationship is on it's last legs. You can't force anything out of him that isn't there. He may love you and the baby, but he's not enthusiastic about fatherhood. You said he only cares about his job and his car. That's because he's too immature for all this.
No matter how this turns out, make sure he pays child-support; and he takes some kind of responsibility for the child he fathered. Even if only financially. If this shows up twice, I had to click more than once.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2021): I don't think he's a great dad.
That's the first thing that came to mind.
Why?
Because great dads don't have to take care of their children they WANT TO. They don't need to be reminded or forced to do so. They are not too tired to take care of their kids.
I'm sorry to say this, but he's either depressed or he has lost interest in your relationship, or both.
More often than not, these behaviors do not come out of nowhere. When I hear the words "Oh, the kid has changed everything" (meaning the relationship for the worse), I don't buy it. It just means that the partner that is complaining didn't want to see the red flags. And more often than not, that partner was the one who wanted to have a family (the kid) and ignored the fact that the other one was just going along. And yes. Women tend to be predominant in that group - partners who ignore red flags and push and push...
My sister could have written your post. And I can tell you how things went for her... 8 years after having the kid, she could still have written that very same post, with slight changes (changing months for years, night feeds for homework...).
If you don't change things, they won't change by themselves.
What do you want? If you want to leave, can you support your kid with a part time job?
They way your husband acts shows what I have already said: disinterest and/or depression.
I'd stop complaining and just talk to him and by talk I mean listen, REALLY listen. There's a reason why he's working on his brother's house and not yours. I mean, maybe it's not a valid reason for you, but it might be for him. Maybe he's just looking for excuses to get out of the house. He won't be the first (or the last) man to act that way.
And this is sad and it hurts, but if it is true, that's your reality and you need to face it.
But before jumping to conclusions, you need to have and open mind and talk to him, ask him how he feels, what he wants, reassure him that you are his friend and that you are ready to listen.
Complaining won't get any of you anywhere and at least one of you needs to be the grown-up.
Maybe he misses too much the way things were before the kid. Who knows... you need to see how things really are and accept them and decide what to do.
Is it worth saving or not.
The way you describe it, it's pretty much over, but that's just your interpretation.
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